playing the role of someone in control

"My independence is calling my name
A doubtful voice divides my faith
My independence only hesitates
An unsure choice I can't embrace
You're gonna have to carve me,
Carve me from stone
Right to the bone or
I'll end up alone
Playing the role
Of someone in control" - Trapt: Lost Realist


118.6 this morning. two and a half pounds away from having a BMI below 20. I know I can't possibly be fat. I know it logically, but i just can't see it. I feel huge and overweight even though i'm in the lower end of healthy. 110 would be medically underweight for me, so in my twisted mind that means i'm currently 8 and a half pounds overweight. because if i'm not underweight, i'm overweight. how messed up is that? I know i need help. I know this isn't normal. but i just can't stop those stupid voices. I can't be normal. I want to, I really want to, but i just can't. you know the weight loss isn't even making me happy anymore? because it's not something i can be proud of, it's something that needs to happen. I hate myself on mornings that i don't lose, and mornings that i do lose, it's never enough. 


I don't want to go home for break. I don't want all the stress of being around food, and trying to get out of my parents and friends making me eat it. I want to stick to the routine i have here. I know how to deal with everything here, it's safer. I'm scared to go home. I'm terrified i'm going to get fat(ter) no matter what i do. 


I watched some episodes of Supersize vs. Superskinny. They analyze the calorie content of their daily diets and figure out how much they're undereating or overeating by. the "superskinny"'s usually are undereating by like 1 or 2 days a week. I calculated mine...I usually undereat by over 6 days a week. I'm supposed to be eating 2,000 calories a day at least, but i usually end up eating less than 1,500 a week. that's bad. even i know that's bad. but then the other part of me hates myself for eating at all. 


today's intake:
black coffee with splenda x2


last final tomorrow morning. thank goodness. i can't wait for this semester to be over. wish me luck.

braced myself for the goodbye

so 119.8 pounds this morning. sorry i haven't posted for a few days, it's finals week for me, and i've been stressed with that, stressed with my weight, and stressed with the boy. so it basically made me want to curl up in bed and never leave...how depressingly pathetic. of course i couldn't. i had too much stuff to do. but i did shut myself off from pretty much everyone (so sorry that included you guys though!). anyway, thursday i was 121.6, friday i was 121.6, saturday i was 121, this morning i was 120.2, then i took my bra and underwear off and i was 119.8. haha. i just really needed to see my weight be in the 110's for the first time, even if it's just barely.

I had two finals yesterday (yeah... saturday finals. uni is sadistic). but they were my hardest ones so it's good to have them over with. now just two left before break! my absolute most difficult class is political science, i love it but the professor is so hard! i studied for over 20 hours for his final alone, and i think i did really well. he even told me when i was leaving that he expects me to be the only person in his course to end up with an A! eeeeeeppp!!! I'm so proud of myself. and i was so so so excited when he said that, that i just got really really happy, and i felt good about myself for once. so since by now i'm sure you're aware that i stop eating when i'm upset, guess what i do when i'm that happy? yepp. i ate. don't worry, it wasn't awful, i just felt awful about it. but it's ok i guess because i felt so awful about it that i went to the gym instead of to dinner and burned it all off. so here are yesterday's stats

yesterday-
intake
breakfast: low fat latte (100 cal), fiber one bar (140 cal)
lunch: low fat latte (100 cal), 5 chips (50 cal), 10 cheez-its (55 cals), 6 quaker oat squares (25 cals)
dinner: nothing
total: 470 calories

burned
4.5 miles bike - 132 cals
5 miles elliptical- 468 cals
total burned- 600 cals

so not awful by the end of the day. why do i still feel so guilty about it? because i ate. and i ate shit food. even if it wasn't really much of it. ugh. it's just something about finals that make me want to eat...i remember i had trouble friday too, but i ended up just eating my leftover salmon and spinach and then i binged on celery at 3 in the morning haha. so i wasn't as mad at myself.

the boy came over last night. it was...confusing. I am glad i got to see him. I did miss him. and I know he missed me because he told me, and he said several times how it felt like it'd been forever, and it was too long. i kept reminding him it'd only been a week since i'd seen him. idk. I guess i'm not mad at him anymore. i never really had a good reason to be anyway, i was just drunk and hurt because i thought he didn't care about me. i was feeling really insecure i suppose. what's new? haha. oh but wait, i'm sure you're waiting for the weird part. ok so we're not like boyfriend and girlfriend, but we spend every weekend together, and we don't see other people, so basically we're together even though we're not...but that's going to change because we're going to have a talk about that before we both leave for break, and we'll see where our relationship is going. but here's the deal, because he's not my boyfriend, i don't expect him to act like my boyfriend, so it confuses me when he does. so all his talk of it's been too long, so this is what i've been missing, just the way he looked at me and held me, it was very..sweet. plus he asked about my shoulder (i have a serious shoulder injury for those that didn't read like months back in my blog haha) and then he started talking about how he was always worried that he was going to hurt it by accident and he doesn't want to hurt me, then he just repeated how i mean alot to him and he doesn't want to hurt me...sweet again. then at some point last night i got up to get something and when i turned back around he had picked up one of my prescription pill bottles and was reading it. i gently took it out of his hand and put it back on my dresser. he looked at me and said "what? i don't have a right to know what you're taking?" my mind just went..whoah. intense. no actually you don't have a right to know because we're not together, and because you should have just asked. but i don't have anything to hide from him (well except my ed) so i just said "no you can look at it, i don't care." and gave it back to him. whatever. the only meds i have are prescription painkillers for my shoulder, and antibiotics for my skin. i don't care if he knows i take those. it was just weird that he was so...sure that it was his right to know that about me. oh and then the weirdest part was when he was leaving he said he couldn't find his keys, so we were both looking for them. I would look through normal places like under my bed or on the floor in case it fell, and then the kitchen counter and my bedside table. but he looked through my stuff. like legitimately looked through things that it's no possible way it would be in. for example my jewelry carrier case, the little zip up bag i keep my hair ties in, and my clutch. i pretended not to notice, but wtf?? like why did he feel the need to look through my things? what does he think i'm hiding from him? did he even lose his keys or was that an excuse to snoop around? it's just. so. weird. idk like i'm not even angry, just really confused.
oh well. sorry about the really really long explanation of the boy drama. i'm not sure anyone cares? haha.
but basically i'm not eating today because my mind's a jumbled mess and i need to clear my thoughts.

DolceCaramel and Mel- thanks for helping keep me sane when i was so frustrated. the scale just pisses me off so much sometimes. i know when i should be losing, and it should be showing much lower numbers than it is. ugh. hopefully it'll get better.

really now?

back up to 121.6. this is making me crazy. y'all read what i ate yesterday. enough to make me gain a pound and a half? apparently i gain a pound for every 100 calories i eat. wtf??? ugh. I'm just so sick of this.

however

I actually got my period today. i think. ok i'm not sure. I thought i got my period at noon, but it seems like it's already over...and i'm really really confused?

went to the gym today. i was desperate to work off that extra 1.6 lbs. went 4.5 miles on the elliptical. burned 400 calories. not enough, but it was hard. i was feeling weak :( oh well. maybe it at least got my metabolism running or something.

we had reservations at the steakhouse for tonight. I had to eat. I tried to eat as little as possible. I didn't eat much, but it still feels like too much. ughhh. at this rate i'll probably gain another 4 pounds or something, even though anyone else would lose weight on a day like today. whatever. i hate the way my body works.

intake:
breakfast- 2 pickles (0 cal)
lunch- coffee (15 cal)
dinner- half of the vegetable minestrone (60 cal), one fourth of the grilled salmon (175 cal?), grilled spinach and onions (15 cal), half of the mango sorbet (90 cal)
total: 355

cals burned: 400

so i still ate less than i burned in my workout...but with my luck the scale won't show that in the morning :(

on another note, finals week has officially begun. wonderful. and the boy's getting annoyed because i won't see him. but i'm still kind of pissed about saturday night, and i mean, it's finals week. my hardest final is saturday morning so i need all the study time i can get. speaking of..i should be doing that right now. haha. but i had to post once today! wish me luck :)


struggle2bethin- thanks! I know i can do it, i just wish i was patient haha. all this fluctuating is making me crazy. i just want to be in the 110's! and it sucks that i keep gaining for no reason.

Mel- thanks :) i wish today's intake was as good...

better

so i'm definitely feeling better than yesterday.

scale said 120.0 this morning :) I'm still not sure what happened, but i'm glad whatever it was is over now. anyway, this means i officially reached my second goal weight! now just ten more pounds until my UGW. it finally feels like it's possible and not just some sort of fairytale wish for the future. no, it actually will happen. I actually will get there. nothing can stop me. it's just a matter of time. In the more immediate future however, i have to lose another pound by next thursday. I promised myself that i'd be in the 110's by the time i went home for break.

other good news: I ate today :)

breakfast- nothing

lunch- celery (10 cal), apple slices (35 cal), pineapple chunks (43 cal)

dinner- greek salad, no dressing (80 cal)

total- 163 calories

Ashley- thanks for helping to keep me grounded, i think it must have had something to do with water retention, although it obviously wasn't period related since..well..still no period haha

struggle2bethin- i like your suggestion and i might use it in the future, thanks. i was able to eat today though :) i guess i was just too upset yesterday. ugh. my emotions definitely get the best of me.

confession

so I haven't been writing for a few days because i haven't had anything good to post, and y'all are all doing so well..but that's not fair because this is all about honesty. and plus, I really really am proud of each and every one of you :)

basically these last two days my scale has gone back up to 122. which sucks. and confuses me. because it's not like i binged. or even really ate that much. sunday i didn't eat at all, and that's when i gained the 1.5 pounds. which i really didn't think/ don't think is possible? yesterday i did well. i tried so hard to eat, and i managed veggies and fruit, which i thought was perfect. yay me. ok sorry for the sarcasm, i really did need it. i have to keep telling myself that. I can't beat myself up over keeping my body alive. but i figured the weight would go back down today, and no such luck. 122.2. it's torturing me. so i figured as hard as it is, i cannot punish myself for that because even though i feel like i failed, i guess i know in my mind that i didn't do anything wrong. so the plan was to eat healthy again today, fruits and veg. but...I've been going through some tough shit lately. idk if y'all remember my post about saturday night. but yeah. it's just really really hard for me. and unfortunately, that means i have a tendency to get even worse than i am normally, and i'm normally pretty bad. so I didn't eat at all today. I had every intention of eating. I wanted to make myself eat. when i realized just how hard it was going to be, i even went to the bakery and got a bagel, because i absolutely love them so i thought i could tempt myself with it. i bought it, i toasted it, i split it into exactly 16 pieces and spread a tiny bit of cream cheese on each piece. and then i stared at it. and sipped my coffee. and stared. and then nearly cried and got up and threw it away. and then i didn't even try to eat the rest of today because i feel so hopeless. and it hurts me to do this to myself, but it hurts me worse to do this to others. when one of my best friends came in to ask why i wasn't going to watch tv with her, she looked so sad, and i couldn't even barely move in bed because i just want to hide under the covers forever. and then she said she was making mac and cheese and offered me some, and when i refused, i saw a flash of something cross her face for just a split second, and i nearly cried. i hate doing this to her. i hate this. i hate this. 

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry everyone. I know y'all are all doing so well and feeling so good. congratulations :) sorry to make this such a depressing post. but i had to be honest. 

 I was supposed to start my period sunday..could that have anything to do with the weight gain? it seems strange that it would since i haven't actually started it...but that's all i can think of. 

struggletobethin- thanks for your concern girl. i did eat yesterday so that's good. and thanks for your compliments on my fast! but i mean, i wouldn't recommend 8 days really, i'd rather do like 3 day fasts, i don't know why i just couldn't stop haha. oh but i read your blog and congrats on the recent loss! keep it up :)

terrified

I'm terrified to eat again. I still haven't done it since I started my fast that's supposed to be over. it's been a little over 8 days since I ate food. I drank alcohol last night, that's why my fast was broken, but i'm supposed to be eating. I was supposed to make myself eat an apple today. but all i can think is calories calories calories. and I don't want to give up this emptiness. and I know it's not logical but I'm afraid of what the scale will say if i eat. not alot, but anything. I was even going to make myself eat a pickle, which is zero calories.and i couldn't do it because it's food so zero calories or not i know it weighs something and then i'd be putting that weight in me, so then i would weigh more. I couldn't even eat a zero calorie food...I know i've gotten progressively worse and worse but i never thought i'd be that bad. but here's the deal: I was doing my crunches a few minutes ago and when I sat up and saw my feet, the toenails on my big toes are blue. I'm kind of freaking out. I need to eat. I just can't do it tonight. but tomorrow. I have to. I will. just some fruit or veggies or both if i'm lucky, but I have to eat something. I'm sorry I know this is kind of a scary and depressing post but I'm just so scared. and i feel so alone. and i think some of y'all will understand how i'm feeling. 


Ashley: thanks so much for your kind comments :) I hope the scale shows 120 or less in the morning so I can have good news to report back to you. then hopefully on to restricting, but eating at least. and i hope with all my heart that i won't gain weight back.

I don't deserve this

121.6 yesterday, 120.8 this morning. less than 2 pounds till i'm an even 119. that's great. it really is. but I can't enjoy it because I'm so disgusted with myself. 

yesterday started out well, I didn't eat anything. yay. go me. but then my roommate and I decided to go out to a party one of our friends was having. well, I had decided to end my fast after a week, and the week was over after all. by the way, that's 168 hours without food, something I never thought I'd be able to do. and actually I guess technically I still haven't eaten, but I still consider my fast broken because of all the calories. basically I drank, alot. about 6 shots of vodka, and at 50 calories per shot, that's like 300 calories of pure alcohol. what a waste. and of course because I haven't eaten in so long and my body had absolutely nothing to absorb the alcohol with, I got completely trashed.

I wasn't originally going to drink so much. I had about 3 shots and noticed I was pretty bad off so I decided to stop. then I got into a sort of fight with W (the boy), and because I'm so emotionally stable, decided another 3 shots would make me feel better. then decided I wasn't going to go home and mope around pathetically so I went to the frat parties and got hit on for a few hours, which should have made me feel better, but it only made me realize that I didn't want any of them, I only wanted W. Which made me feel bad for even considering hooking up with anyone else. so then i got depressed and decided to go home, but I wasn't really in good shape. luckily my best guy friend walked in to the same frat and saw me and kind of freaked out and said he was taking me home. (future reference to myself: just because I could handle alcohol really well at like 145 pounds and when I was eating at least one meal a day, does not mean that I can handle alcohol at 120 pounds and starving...) anyway I'm really lucky he was there. He walked me home and I bawled my eyes out about my fight with W and he laid on my bed with me and listened to me cry drunkenly and talk about my feelings for over an hour, and it was like 4 in the morning. wow. what kind of guy does that? the best kind. he's truly amazing. I wish I could have feelings for a guy like that instead. when he left I started feeling guilty about the calories I consumed that night, so even though I was still drunk, I got up and did 200 crunches. haha. which is so hard when you're that dizzy. and then i went to bed. woke up this morning with the worst hangover ever. did my morning crunches anyway, and weighed in.

thank goodness for the loss on the scale. i couldn't have handled bad news after last night, but i still don't feel like i deserve the good news. I'm sorry everyone, I'll do better today. I haven't eaten anything yet, just sipping on ice water, trying to get rid of my headache. the good news is hangovers always make me nauseous, so my roommates aren't expecting me to eat today. and they ordered 3 large pizzas, cinnastix, and cheesy bread. haha. thank goodness i'm not pressured to eat that shit. I know I probably should eat something today though. maybe an apple later tonight. we'll see what I can get down. ugh. the thought of food makes me feel even sicker. I'm going to focus on the feeling of progress instead. good feelings. tomorrow should be 120 pounds even. just ten pounds from being underweight  which is my goal weight. It feels like it's starting to get close enough to feel possible. I can do this. I will do this. I've never ever been clinically underweight before. I've been underweight for what an athlete at my height should be, but never medically underweight by bmi. I want this so bad. and I am so close.