Empty

and cold...really really cold. I've been water fasting for 3 days now... well technically water and sugarfree gum.. so I guess about 10 cals a day because i only let myself have 2 pieces of gum. Anyway I forgot how much it sucks to fast when it's so cold outside. I just can't warm up no matter how many layers I wear. Also my boyfriend doesn't like it when i touch him now because my hands are too cold... ugh. I feel kind of bad about that. Well, that and the fact that i'm keeping this secret from him when i promised him i wouldn't do this again. I felt extremely feverish last night and incredibly nauseous this morning. I know it's my body rebelling against this, but I still didn't eat and in a sick way I guess I'm really proud of myself for that. For practicing self control above all else. I'm actually not even hungry right now, although i do still get food cravings and all. Temptation is a bitch and a half. Honestly I just really wanted to eat baby carrots and hummus so badly last night. I just hate messing up a fasting streak. Also, I haven't weighed myself in awhile, so I kind of want to fast as long as i can before i do. just to see where i'm at now. But my boyfriend and i's one year anniversary is in a few days, and we're going out to dinner. So at most this fast can only last 2 more days... and then we're spending the weekend together in a hotel so there's no way I can pretend i've already eaten. oh well. I can always start fasting again on monday. I just wish people didn't push food so much. why do people have to ask me to eat lunch and dinner with them so often. I still want to hang out with them, but can't we just talk and watch tv or something?? Well this week will be super stressful academically. but i turned in a 6 page paper and did my 25 minute presentation this morning, so at least that's over with. I just can't wait to feel normal again.

Starting Over

So I guess I say this a lot, but I'm back.

The thing is I keep legitimately trying to recover and for awhile I fool myself into thinking that I can and that everything will be ok. I even have a therapist and a psychiatrist now, I got assigned to them in August so I mean, to be fair I really did give it a shot. I just can't do this anymore. I'm at a new high weight, gross. I can't even type it. My clothes don't fit. I just can't handle it. I don't like being touched or looked at, and I hate hate hate pictures of myself. The thing is I don't even enjoy eating really, like I feel so incredibly guilty after, so honestly I just think I'll feel better if I stop. It is going to make it hard though that the people close to me know about my past. Idk I just don't have a choice, I can't do this. Today's been a pretty good start though. I've had 2 salads and that's it. I want to fast though. It's so addicting but it just makes me feel so much better. I just want to get this weight off as quickly as possible. Maybe one day I can look in the mirror again.