Changes

Down half a pound this morning. I'm not happy about it because it's just the same weight I gained inexplicably yesterday. So now I'm back to Wednesday's weight. No progress on that front. I don't understand. Restricting has never let me down like this before. I used to lose between half a pound and a pound every day. I wish I could just stop because it's clearly not working, but I can't. I can't let myself eat normally when I'm so huge. I don't deserve to eat regular meals. I need the calmness in my head that comes with the hunger pangs. The only real difference I've noticed is that the light has gone out of my eyes once again. They're just so...dead. And the deep bags under my eyes just make my face look hollow. Also my ribs are getting gross again. Not because I'm skinny, but just because that's where I always lose weight first. I can have ribs poking out everywhere and still have a belly, it's indescribably frustrating.

I still have one more class this afternoon, and then sorority stuff tonight. All I've consumed so far is black coffee and unsweetened green tea. I might have a latte with nonfat milk later to avoid dinner. I hope the scale doesn't let me down again tomorrow.

Can't give in

Ok so today I pretty much woke up and cried because I gained half a pound somehow and I'm really not sure why. Almost binged but I stopped myself and I'm really glad I did. I know that wouldn't make me feel any better, it would only make me fatter. I wore my new skirt from J Crew today. I was relieved that it fit, and it actually looks pretty good on me, it's the right length and the color (a flawless coral) is stunning. It's in a size 6 though...so I'm upset that it's not too big. Being a 6 makes me feel gross. Like I was a 6 in high school, and that was fine for some reason, but after getting down to a 0 my freshman year of college, a 6 just makes me feel huge. Plus I'm not that tall. I know a lot of girls that can pull off like an 8 or 10 and look so skinny but on my tiny frame it just doesn't work. 

So today I had two classes, a meeting, a workout, and in about an hour I have dance practice. I've had a granola bar (140) and a skinny venti latte (160) and that's it. so 300 cals. But I ran a mile (-100) and I have dance practice for 2 hours tonight so I should definitely have a negative intake for today. If I haven't lost anything when I weigh myself in the morning I just don't know what's going on. 

back again

Well it's been awhile since I've updated this blog. Every time I try recovery I keep myself from the blog because I find it triggering, but then every time recovery fails I seem to find my way back here. So as you can guess, another attempt at recovery has come and gone, and now of course I'm way too heavy and I can't live with myself like this. I have lost about 12 pounds of the recovery weight since I relapsed but I still have a long way to go to get to my pre-recovery weight... I pretty much only consume coffee now...the occasional granola bar if I have a long day or something. I mean, in a strange way it feels a lot better to be back again, to feel lighter and emptier and see the number on the scale steadily going down. At the same time, I remember all the reasons i tried to recover. My family, my friends, my wonderful boyfriend, the terrible cold, the insomnia, the passing out, the hiding away from the world because i'm afraid someone might try to feed me. Ugh. I guess that's what it is about this disorder. You can't win either way.