back again

Well it's been awhile since I've updated this blog. Every time I try recovery I keep myself from the blog because I find it triggering, but then every time recovery fails I seem to find my way back here. So as you can guess, another attempt at recovery has come and gone, and now of course I'm way too heavy and I can't live with myself like this. I have lost about 12 pounds of the recovery weight since I relapsed but I still have a long way to go to get to my pre-recovery weight... I pretty much only consume coffee now...the occasional granola bar if I have a long day or something. I mean, in a strange way it feels a lot better to be back again, to feel lighter and emptier and see the number on the scale steadily going down. At the same time, I remember all the reasons i tried to recover. My family, my friends, my wonderful boyfriend, the terrible cold, the insomnia, the passing out, the hiding away from the world because i'm afraid someone might try to feed me. Ugh. I guess that's what it is about this disorder. You can't win either way.