stand up seven times, fall down eight

I honestly keep thinking I'll stop tomorrow. And I do try, it's not just that I'm putting it off. Tonight I even cooked dinner with my boyfriend and when we ate, I really wanted to purge but I told myself if I just waited and distracted myself I would feel better. Two hours later, the full feeling was still unbearable and up comes dinner. ugh. I disgust myself. I want to stop the purging at least. Before this summer I really hadn't purged since like sophomore year of high school. Restricting's just what's normal for me. I would say I don't know why I started up again, but I do. Intense emotions have always made me feel nauseous, combine that with my panic attacks from stress and I end up heaving over the toilet anyway. After I throw up I always feel better, calmer and emptier. Add in a history of eating disorders and I feel like I never really stood a chance against this. Oh and my Little made a joke about eating disorders yesterday. Like really? In what way could that ever be funny?

Limbo

144.6 this morning. I hate even typing that. It's a healthy weight and yet...it has such a poisonous affect on my mind. I'm stuck in some strange limbo. I obviously want to be healthy, both physically and mentally. There's so much I want to accomplish in my life. I'm supposed to go to law school after I graduate, and my plan is to be a criminal prosecutor. I've always pushed myself really hard, partially because I'm a certified genius and I felt like it was my responsibility to use that gift to give something back to the world. I feel like my IQ is an unfair advantage and I need to prove that I'm not coasting in life. So I need to do something amazing, I expect it of myself and I feel like the world expects it of me. Also I want to get better for all the important people in my life. My family went through some pretty hard times dealing with my brother's issues so I feel like I can't let them down too or it will break their hearts. And my boyfriend's been so supportive of me and knows what I'm struggling with, and he's just always so scared that I'm going to end up in the ER again like last time. I've never seen him cry like he did that night, and he still never left my side. But I still can't get rid of the voice that won't let me eat, or if i do, won't let me keep it down. I'm fat. I don't want to be healthy, I want to be underweight. I want the bones back. I miss stepping on the scale every morning and watching that number go down. I miss watching my clothes go from tight to baggy until I'm huddled up in layers of loose fabric. I miss my stomach growling as I try to fall asleep, and knowing that I'll be a little thinner in the morning.

I'm the "perfect" American size 6, and all I want to do is watch my body waste away.

Christmas Wish

All I want for Christmas is to be recovered. Not like be in recovery. Not be assigned a new therapist. Not be fighting myself every single damn day, but actually be recovered. I want to eat normally, and keep that food down, and not hate myself. I wish that wasn't too much to ask. I know I'll still have problems in life, but I just wish I could cope with them healthily instead of constantly reverting back to either anorexia or builimia or my recent sick combination of the two. People don't realize what hell eating disorders are. If I could get out I would. I would give up anything. 

Just ate and purged an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's. Happy Holidays everyone.