Limbo

144.6 this morning. I hate even typing that. It's a healthy weight and yet...it has such a poisonous affect on my mind. I'm stuck in some strange limbo. I obviously want to be healthy, both physically and mentally. There's so much I want to accomplish in my life. I'm supposed to go to law school after I graduate, and my plan is to be a criminal prosecutor. I've always pushed myself really hard, partially because I'm a certified genius and I felt like it was my responsibility to use that gift to give something back to the world. I feel like my IQ is an unfair advantage and I need to prove that I'm not coasting in life. So I need to do something amazing, I expect it of myself and I feel like the world expects it of me. Also I want to get better for all the important people in my life. My family went through some pretty hard times dealing with my brother's issues so I feel like I can't let them down too or it will break their hearts. And my boyfriend's been so supportive of me and knows what I'm struggling with, and he's just always so scared that I'm going to end up in the ER again like last time. I've never seen him cry like he did that night, and he still never left my side. But I still can't get rid of the voice that won't let me eat, or if i do, won't let me keep it down. I'm fat. I don't want to be healthy, I want to be underweight. I want the bones back. I miss stepping on the scale every morning and watching that number go down. I miss watching my clothes go from tight to baggy until I'm huddled up in layers of loose fabric. I miss my stomach growling as I try to fall asleep, and knowing that I'll be a little thinner in the morning.

I'm the "perfect" American size 6, and all I want to do is watch my body waste away.