weight tracker

Saturday, December 8, 2012

stand up seven times, fall down eight

I honestly keep thinking I'll stop tomorrow. And I do try, it's not just that I'm putting it off. Tonight I even cooked dinner with my boyfriend and when we ate, I really wanted to purge but I told myself if I just waited and distracted myself I would feel better. Two hours later, the full feeling was still unbearable and up comes dinner. ugh. I disgust myself. I want to stop the purging at least. Before this summer I really hadn't purged since like sophomore year of high school. Restricting's just what's normal for me. I would say I don't know why I started up again, but I do. Intense emotions have always made me feel nauseous, combine that with my panic attacks from stress and I end up heaving over the toilet anyway. After I throw up I always feel better, calmer and emptier. Add in a history of eating disorders and I feel like I never really stood a chance against this. Oh and my Little made a joke about eating disorders yesterday. Like really? In what way could that ever be funny?
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6 comments:

  1. Katie ElizabethDecember 9, 2012 at 3:52 PM

    That's how it is with me. Each night I say that I will do better tomorrow, and tomorrow comes and I'm not any better. I hope you can at least stop the purging dear. Stay strong.
    XOXO

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    1. belle_of_the_boulevardJanuary 8, 2013 at 1:47 PM

      Thanks:) I hope maybe things are better for you, I know I haven't been on in awhile. I would like to say the purging has stopped, but it hasn't. I have cut down at least, mostly because I can avoid food more now, but it still makes me feel better that purging is more of a rare crutch than an addiction again.

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  2. Loopy LucieDecember 9, 2012 at 4:14 PM

    I know exactly how you feel about the calmness. Its a lovely feeling :( Its sad we have to put ourselves thru all this just to feel it :( x

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    1. belle_of_the_boulevardJanuary 8, 2013 at 1:51 PM

      I have read that many people hear voices and being empty is the only way to stop them but for me it's never really been voices. I can't separate anything even into words. It's just sort of this thought jumble kind of static and I can't make sense of anything or focus on anything until I feel that calm emptiness. It's just like this really intense panic that overrides my brain when I eat. what about for you?

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  3. AnonymousJanuary 6, 2013 at 9:45 PM

    I keep trying to get better. I gain 5lbs, freak out, lose 10. It's a never ending cycle. I totally get the way you're feeling.

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    1. belle_of_the_boulevardJanuary 8, 2013 at 1:52 PM

      I'm so sorry you're not having any luck with getting better either, but I really do understand that cycle.

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