drained

So I finally weighed myself this morning. ugh. not good. even after what is (so far) a 36 hour fast, I'm still 2 whole pounds heavier than i was before my sunday binge. which confuses the hell out of me because i calculated it to be about 1600 calories total for the day, which is awful for me, but not enough to gain even half a pound according to doctors and all. I must have gained about 5 since i still have 2 of them left. This is why i don't believe in all the 3,500 calories equals a pound nonsense. maybe it works for other people, but it definitely doesn't apply to me. I'm just sick of this. I'm sick of myself. I want to get back down to my low weight as quickly as possible. And I have to keep fasting until i reach my pre-binge weight. maybe longer. I hate how weak and tired i feel. and how absolutely exhausted i know i look. but i'll hate myself more if i eat even an apple or a cup of soup. I don't deserve any food. not yet. especially not at this weight. Last semester i fasted for a really really long time. i don't remember exactly what it was, 6 days? i'll go back and check. It would be pathetic of me to not make it for at least half of that. I just want to go to bed. sleep until i'm thin. I pretty much failed my calc test this morning. i had a 99 in the course before, so maybe i'll be ok, but it just sucks to be ruining all my hard work. in all areas of my life. I just want to press fast forward sometimes, but mostly i just want to press pause. take some time to breathe. and sleep. god i need sleep.