and the world keeps turning

so it's been at least two months since I last posted. maybe three. I'm sorry. but then I'm not, because honestly I can't help but think that everyone would be better off without reading about my issues. I don't want to "inspire" anyone. I wish I could save you to be honest. but i'll be damned if I don't know as well as anyone that sometimes we just can't be saved. which is why I'm back. because I can't escape this.

so to get you up to speed, i'm going to give you a list of what happened in the past few months. a list because honestly i'm obsessed with lists, and because it's so much easier/faster to read that much info.

-went home for winter break (at 116 pounds)
-mother mildly freaked out about how "thin" i look
-doctor expressed concern over my weight and "suggested" i get up to 130 and stay there. um. ew.
-coach expressed concern over my weight, and my muscle deterioration and "suggested" i get to 125 and stay exactly there. that's the same bmi as an olympic gold medal backstroker. so he sees it as the ideal.
-mother sided with the doctor and decided i had to gain the weight all over break so she could make sure i did it
-ate. and ate. and ate. tried to avoid eating. didn't succeed.
-being home with friends and family (as much as my fam pisses me off sometimes) calmed down some of my rather psychotic tendencies and I guess i realized how blessed i am and how i need to just enjoy it like a normal person.
-decided to seriously try recovery again
-temporarily recovered. made my mother so happy. 130 pounds. so she stopped worrying.
-really truly believed that even though it was hard, maybe i could stay recovered.
-went back to school for sorority rush week.
-fasted all week.
-dropped down to 123
-accepted a bid to my top choice sorority
-tried to be normal around the girls
-gained back the 7 pounds
-the boy asked me to be his girlfriend
- I said no
-I realized I made a mistake and I said yes (we've been together for a month now)

I just can't do it anymore. recovery. it's too hard. I hate myself too much. I hate the way I look in the mirror. I hate the way I look in my mind. I hate the guilty feeling I get every time I eat a meal (that never went away). I hate the way I have love handles again and I can't feel my hipbones like I used to (at least I can still fit in my size 0 AE jeans...even if they don't look as good on me). I just can't live with myself like this. so i'm back. but this time it's all for me. feel free to read, but i'm not writing for you all. I'm writing to keep a smidgeon of sanity in the midst of all this. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. I'm probably going to whine and complain heaps. sorry not sorry. if you choose to read anyway, what i can offer you is realness. and a connection. you know i'm always there for you girls. not as inspiration, but as support. we go through hell every single day. no one realizes that more than i do. and i can never get away.

failed recovery number 2.

cycles of starvation, guilt, recovery, and more guilt. it keeps repeating.

and the world keeps turning.