I sometimes wonder if i'll ever fully recover from this. if there will ever be a day where I don't feel guilty for eating. not overeating, but just eating at all. It's my spring break, so i'm home with my parents (i know, exciting, right?) and it's really hard for me. it always is. it's the combination of the stress of being around them with the difficulty of hiding my eating habits from them. I could deal with the stress better if i didn't have to eat. I'm still restricting. just not as much as i would like to. I've been at about 500 calories a day since i've been here. it feels like way too much. I really just want to fast until i can get rid of this gross heavy feeling. I can't wait until break is over and it's more likely that i can get away with a fast. I'd still have to hide it from my boyfriend, roommates, and sorority sisters, but somehow that's still significantly easier. I wonder if i'll ever be thin enough to be happy with my body. If i'll ever reach a point where i deserve to eat carbs, or, heaven forbid, ice cream or something. It's not like i'm doing this to please anyone else. I'm already in the sorority i want, I already have the perfect boyfriend. and he thinks i'm beautiful and hot and sexy and well, tiny. so i don't need to lose weight for him, but i need to for me. I just feel like i don't belong in my own body. there's too much of it. I want to feel light and airy and weightless so so badly, that's nothing new. what is new is that i want to not hate myself when i "give in" to an apple or a few baby carrots. That guilt...it's like i feel like a fraud. Like if i really had an ED i wouldn't be eating at all. I'm not disordered enough, and at the same time, i'm too disordered.
I'm never good enough. at anything.
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