halfway through

so it's wednesday night. I'm halfway through my week at home. only 3 more full days here. it's weird, i know i'm going to miss it as soon as i'm gone, but it's just so hard to be here. it's emotionally draining.
today I ate about 400 cals.
then I went to the gym and burned about 400 cals on the treadmill and the elliptical.
felt good to control my total a little bit more. especially since it's so hard to control my intake here.
plus i know i'm definitely getting malnourished because the cravings are back full force. i dreamed that i ate french fries last night. woke up absolutely panicked, trying to add it to my calorie log before i realized that I didn't actually eat them...goddamn. i'm fucking insane. i've been craving ice-cream pretty hardcore. and peanut butter. haven't eaten either though. i just have to keep telling myself that it's because i'm not eating enough that i want these foods so badly. and then i have internal battles like crazy because part of me still really wants to do the healthy thing and try to recover again. I know recovery is what i need, but i just can't let myself. because i got so huge these past few months being "recovered" and i just can't live with myself this big.
I miss my boyfriend heaps. Somehow he's the only person that can drown out all my internal panic. When i'm with him i'm just happy, I just *am*. simple as that. I never would have thought I could find someone who would make me feel like that. It's like he brings me peace, and honestly that's the best gift in the world.