So as some of you may have suspected, i totally failed at recovery again. I've been restricting to under 200 or 300 calories for about 2 weeks. this weekend was really tough though and after my boyfriend making a bit of dinner for me on saturday night, i felt kind of like my whole life was out of control again. crazy overreaction, but it is what it is. anyway today was really really bad because i wast still emotionally dealing with yesterday, and not in a healthy way. i wrote a little bit about what happened. i'm thinking of writing a book, probably just for myself, like a diary or blog, only in a bit of a different style. anyway, here's a section of it to explain what happened.
"I felt that I had already failed. I’d already ruined everything. I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to get rid of cravings before I fasted my weight back down. I started the day with a full serving size of cereal. For months I hadn’t allowed myself more than maybe 4 squares, 8 on a good day. 180 calories. Just because I was allowing it didn’t mean I could stop counting it. Then chips and salsa, which I’d been craving daily for about a month. 300 calories. Two rice krispie treats. 200 calories. A cookie. 100 calories. A packet of cheese ritz bits. 220 calories. A spoonful of nutella. 200 calories. Then I made the box of cornbread stuffing that had been sitting in the pantry since November. A few mouthfuls in I was too stuffed to continue. I rounded up to 300 calories. Then I scraped the rest into the bin. I don’t believe in leftovers, because it’s not like I’d allow myself to eat it the next day anyway. About an hour later I felt I hadn’t fully taken advantage of my free day. What if I had a craving the next day? I certainly wasn’t allowed. I was supposed to stifle them all that day. I needed to eat just a bit more. One more cookie shoved into my mouth. 100 calories. It didn’t even taste good. I just felt sick. Suddenly, overwhelmingly, painfully sick. It felt like my stomach was going to burst out of my skin. I needed to shower. I needed to wash away the day, the calories, the food, the memories, the emotions, the unbearable agonizing pain. I turned the hot water on and stepped in. Cold water burns more calories, but the hot water burns away the thoughts. Maybe ten seconds in I realized everything was tilting. I had no idea which way was up or where the water was coming from, and soon I couldn’t see anything at all. I started grabbing madly at everything around me, knocking down shampoo bottles and body wash in a desperate attempt to stay upright. Then my head seemed to feel 20 pounds heavier, and it snapped back against the wall as I crumpled to the ground. I was aware of maybe a few seconds of panic, of trying to breathe normally as the water streamed over my body, lying motionless on the cold tile. Then I lost consciousness. When I came to, shaking on the ground, I thought that surely I was about to die, and a single word cycled through my brain repeatedly. Sorry. It was not a half-hearted wish for suicide. I did not want to die. I believed so deeply that I was a failure, that I was shockingly quick to come to the conclusion that I had failed at the most basic of things: living. I apologized to everyone. The voice whimpering in my head “I’m so sorry baby, it’s not your fault, you don’t deserve this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry mom, dad, I should’ve done better. I could’ve been more. I could’ve made you proud. I’m so so sorry”. The words swirled around in my thoughts, apologizing to everyone but myself."
So I'm feeling a bit better now. but i don't know. i'm just going to try to sleep it off. tomorrow's a new day.
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