"My independence is calling my name
A doubtful voice divides my faith
My independence only hesitates
An unsure choice I can't embrace
You're gonna have to carve me,
Carve me from stone
Right to the bone or
I'll end up alone
Playing the role
Of someone in control" - Trapt: Lost Realist
118.6 this morning. two and a half pounds away from having a BMI below 20. I know I can't possibly be fat. I know it logically, but i just can't see it. I feel huge and overweight even though i'm in the lower end of healthy. 110 would be medically underweight for me, so in my twisted mind that means i'm currently 8 and a half pounds overweight. because if i'm not underweight, i'm overweight. how messed up is that? I know i need help. I know this isn't normal. but i just can't stop those stupid voices. I can't be normal. I want to, I really want to, but i just can't. you know the weight loss isn't even making me happy anymore? because it's not something i can be proud of, it's something that needs to happen. I hate myself on mornings that i don't lose, and mornings that i do lose, it's never enough.
I don't want to go home for break. I don't want all the stress of being around food, and trying to get out of my parents and friends making me eat it. I want to stick to the routine i have here. I know how to deal with everything here, it's safer. I'm scared to go home. I'm terrified i'm going to get fat(ter) no matter what i do.
I watched some episodes of Supersize vs. Superskinny. They analyze the calorie content of their daily diets and figure out how much they're undereating or overeating by. the "superskinny"'s usually are undereating by like 1 or 2 days a week. I calculated mine...I usually undereat by over 6 days a week. I'm supposed to be eating 2,000 calories a day at least, but i usually end up eating less than 1,500 a week. that's bad. even i know that's bad. but then the other part of me hates myself for eating at all.
today's intake:
black coffee with splenda x2
last final tomorrow morning. thank goodness. i can't wait for this semester to be over. wish me luck.
great intake <3
ReplyDeleteand congrats on the BMI thing, you're doing awesome.
and i LOVE supersize vs superskinny!!
watching the food come down the tubes...geck. so gross.
i know exactly what your talking about. how not being underwieght means your overweight.It's a horrid, wretched feeling and the voices keep on screaming. But congratulations on the BMI thing, it truely is wonderful
ReplyDeleteI feel and think the exact same way. It doesn't matter how much I weight, what I'm wearing, or what I ate, I cannot see me as thin. It's just not possible for my eyes and my brain to function properly together. I hate getting mad because then I have a fight, logic versus scale. It's so annoying.
ReplyDeletehey, i jut started reading your blog, and i must say you are like an inspiration. im 5'3" 128 lbs(natural weight) and trying to get to 110. i'm going to keep reading you because unlike others, your getting alot of peogress and we are abot the same height
ReplyDelete