Stuck

117.4

I feel so stuck. Like I really do want to recover, I just feel like no one's helping me. I can't do this on my own. My therapist gave up on me yesterday so now I'm being transferred over to her boss and I have my first appointment with her tomorrow. They keep talking about a higher level of care, but then they don't want me to start it yet because my grades are still good and i'd have to withdraw from this semester. Like I know my health is the most important thing, but it's hard to justify it when even my therapist won't. So I think I'm stuck just kind of half-assing recovery on my own until the summer when I can get into a proper program. I don't know, that sounds like hell but I'm not really sure what other option I have. I mean, I don't want to withdraw from classes. I've worked so hard already this semester to just waste it all. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be free from this. People keep telling me to just try harder when I get back from spring break. But I really am trying. I just need more support than I'm getting here and I finally realize that. Now it's just a matter of how long I can wait to get that support. Well spring break starts this friday if I can survive my last few midterms. It feels weird. I should definitely be looking forward to it more than I am. I just don't know if I can pretend to be normal and carefree for a whole week on the beach with my friends. At the very least, I get to escape from here for a bit and hopefully get some sand and sun. I'll try to keep a positive attitude.

Ultimatums

So my therapist just told me that she's been talking with my nurse and if i lose any more weight at this friday's weigh in then they will have to tell my parents because they can break confidentiality under the "danger to self or others" clause. I wanted to yell at her. scream. cry. I'm not even underweight yet. Why won't they let me get to like 100 pounds, or 95, or 90? I know that sounds ridiculous, but I can't control my thoughts. I just don't feel like I'm sick enough yet to start getting better. And of course I'm going to lose weight at the weigh in..I still can't bring myself to eat anything except an apple or some grapefruit every day. Although my weight actually has been plateaued this weekend... of course now i'm thinking about trying to waterload or something. I don't know. I know I need help. I just don't feel like I deserve it yet. And they said I need a "higher level of care" and won't be able to stay at college. I'm so embarrassed. Ashamed. I should be able to pull myself out of this. Stop this madness so I don't have to lose a semester and hurt the ones i love. God I wish I could. I'm all for getting better until I realize that it means eating and then I just feel too panicky to even breathe properly. I want to fix my head without fixing my body. Recover from the neck up, as my therapist pointed out to me. I know I can't do that. I just feel like I can't change my behaviors without getting rid of the demons in my head first. I feel like this week is just me waiting for my execution on Friday.

Fighting myself

120.6

It's so hard. Sometimes I just feel like I'm two people: the ED version of myself, and the person I was really meant to be. Most of the time I think I can even pick out which side is talking or thinking, but that doesn't mean I can choose which one to listen to. Not yet. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to get there. Right now the huge battle in my head is still over recovery. I mean technically I'm already in treatment. I have a treatment team: therapist, psychiatrist, GP, and they're really pushing the nutritionist. But my thoughts and behaviors haven't changed at all. It's sort of like I've agreed to be monitored, but I'm not actually moving toward recovery. Everyone's just watching my struggle now like it's some reality show. I know I need to take responsibility for myself and my own recovery, but I just haven't been able to get to that point. I'm still in the stage where I feel like maybe someone will swoop in and save me. I've been researching the MinnieMaud approach (Your Eatopia i think will eventually end up saving my life once i'm brave enough to follow it) and I really think that's the path I need to take. Eventually. Not yet. Prime example here of my ED talking but I have to listen. All the good and rational parts of me are screaming to start recovery right now, right this second, I don't want to waste a moment more of life, but the ED is putting off a proper recovery for three reasons:
1. Recovery requires eating. This scares the absolute shit out of me and I just don't think I can do it yet.
2. I'm not sick enough yet. I'm at a weight restored bmi and my stupid thoughts keep telling me that I don't actually need help unless I land myself in the hospital. But even then I know I would still think I didn't deserve help because others would always be sicker than me. It's messed up.
3. I will gain weight in recovery. I know I have a distorted perception of my body, but just because I realize that doesn't mean I can choose to see it the way it actually is. I still feel huge. I still want to lose more weight. I know I can't commit to recovery if I'm also trying to lose more weight.

Recovery is so hard. I deluded myself into thinking that this would all be way different than it is. I "got help" and for some reason I thought that would fix everything. It doesn't. There are so many more struggles ahead of me and I just hope I can eventually move past them.

down and..downers?

I was going to title this ups and downs, but I really haven't been feeling the up part of it. I feel bad and then worse depending on the day and the time. Right now I'm all panicky. My lovely roommate/sister made me a valentine with an entire bag of Dove milk chocolate promises. I can't. I want to cry. It's such a sweet gesture so why is it destroying me like this? I want to be normal. I want to eat chocolate on valentine's day like a normal girl. Honestly, I want to eat real food like normal too. I stop by Starbucks to get my coffee most days and I always pass the dining hall where normal college students are eating meals and enjoying it or barely thinking about it like normal people. How long has it been since I even went in the dining hall? Must have been last semester. I can't believe I've completely and utterly ruined my college experience with this. This is supposed to be a wonderful time in my life and I avoid everything because it just causes too much anxiety and I'm too afraid of everything. I really do want to get better, so desperately. I just don't know how. I have another weigh in tomorrow morning, then a meeting with my therapist. I wonder if we'll get anywhere this time. I'm not feeling hopeful. It sounds terrible but I feel like I might need residential. I just can't make myself eat and being weighed and talking about my feelings isn't going to change that. I don't know what to do. I slept for maybe around 3 hours last night. The insomnia is terrible. I did manage to finish both of my papers that are due tomorrow though. I'm really proud of myself for that. It's so hard to juggle an eating disorder and a full course load at college. I have a quiz in a few minutes though that I'm not expecting to do very well on. I guess I have to pick my battles. So tonight is Valentine's day and at least my boyfriend is completely understanding of the fact that i can't handle any normal things today like dinner or chocolates or anything so we are just going to watch dvd's in bed together. I'm so thankful for him. I really can't handle any more anxiety inducing situations today.

My intake has pretty much been the same every day. I'm in a routine that I can't get out of. I have black coffee in the morning (3), an apple around noon (80), a venti skinny caramel macchiato (170) in the afternoon, and unsweetened tea in the evening if I want it (1). So about 254 calories a day. And I try to go to the gym almost every day as well to burn that off. It's scary how I've gotten to the point where a net above zero makes me feel so guilty. Oh and don't think I'm losing tons of weight on this plan either. My body is so messed up. I really only lose like 1-2 pounds a week. When you think about it, I should be losing like 5-7. Oh the joys of eating disorders... more dysfunction than my brain can handle and fewer results than your typical healthy diet. Such is my life.

I'm feeling fat. Really fat. I'm massive. Why am I even trying to recover right now? I'm too big already to ever be ok with getting any bigger. Ugh bright side of losing weight so slowly is maybe the nurse won't yell at me for losing weight this week. Hah. They probably think I don't even have an eating disorder.

Limbo

I'm definitely in some sort of limbo. I'm tired. Too tired to do much of anything really. It's exhausting just to get up and attend classes, I'm honestly not sure if I'm going to be able to keep up with the work as well. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. I know my lack of energy is from starving myself and if I could just eat then it would start to get better. I just can't. I feel like I'm screaming out for someone to help me because I can't live like this anymore, but I also can't stop. But they don't get it. They don't get how bad it is because my weight and my health are acceptable to them right now. How low do I need to go? Should I lose 5 more pounds? 10? 15? 20? When will someone save me from myself?

Out of my mind

123.2

I really just wish I could live outside of my head for awhile. Escape. My therapist has scheduled me to start sessions with an eating disorder therapist as well. So I'll have two therapy sessions a week now. Also my school made me go to the clinic to have a full evaluation done to make sure I'm not in any medical danger, and now I have to go back every single friday morning for them to weigh me... I'm not sure what I expected, but I kind of expected things to be better than this. Like great... now I'm "getting help" but I still can't let myself eat. So I'm just suffering while everyone watches instead of suffering in secret.

This weekend was my ethics competition so I traveled with the team for that. Skipped breakfast and lunch on friday, but I had to attend the formal dinner that evening. I picked at everything and only ended up eating the broccoli and two bites of the corn. I still felt really guilty though, because I'm sure it was cooked in oil. And it was crazy stressful having to sit there and eat with all of these strangers around me. When the waiter tried to put dessert down in front of me I just made him stop. I didn't want to even have to look at that. Honestly, I felt like running out of the room crying, but I somehow held myself together until that night where I cried myself to sleep in the hotel room. Then the next morning I ate fresh grapefruit, pineapple, and grapes. I'm not sure how many calories, but I estimated about 200-250. I felt better about that, my mind can handle fresh fruit. Then the rest of the day I just drank black coffee and water. My team and I went out to ruby tuesday after to celebrate and I of course had to make it awkward by only ordering a water. I said I wasn't feeling well. Oddly though, I actually did start feeling nauseous and ended up running to the bathroom to throw up, which was mainly just stomach acid. Weird. Then we came back to campus and I went out to a party with my boyfriend and afterwards he came back to my dorm and we watched tv in bed, so it was a nice ending to the day. Today we slept in and then I showered, worked on homework, had a sorority meeting, ate raw broccoli and carrots (80 cal) and now I'm here typing an update.

It's strange. I mean, I know recovery takes a long time and it will be hard. I just feel like even though I confessed, I'm not actually in recovery. My intake and my thoughts are just as bad as they ever were and I don't know when anything will start improving. I know I need to get better. I just don't know what else to do.

Today's the day

123.8

Today's the day I have to confess my relapse to my therapist. No more extension for me since my boyfriend said i'm not improving any on my own. He's right, but I also think he expects too much of me. I'm not ready. I also know I never really will be. I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned for hours with way too much on my mind. Everything I think is a contradiction. It's like I'm split down the middle, or I'm two people. Get better and get sicker. Gain weight and lose weight. I'm dying and not that ill. I want to be healthy but I need to feel all my bones. I want people to be concerned but without noticing what's wrong. And the biggest realization of last night...

I want recovery, but not if they make me eat.

I know that probably sounds ridiculous. Like duh, it's eating disorder recovery, they're going to make you eat. But I made a list last night of 100 reasons I want to recover. I was feeling pretty motivated about everything and maybe even a little brave. Then I realized that all of those reasons are things that are only going to come way down the road, like changes in my mindset. The right now part, the actual chewing and swallowing and trying to get better, I don't think I can do it. I'm completely terrified. Calories, textures, smells, sugar, butter, oils, fats, portions, meals...please don't make me. The last time I ate a complete meal without purging was December 12th and I was on a road trip with a friend. Before that it might have been October. Like it's not even just the idea of gaining weight that's freaking me out, although that is scary too, it's the actual eating. I used to at least think about foods that I wish I could let myself eat, like yum I miss this or that or that would be delicious wouldn't it be nice if I could eat that? but no. Not anymore. Now even what used to be my favorite foods terrify me and I don't even want to be near them. I just hope they don't give me a meal plan and think that will help. I seriously know that I should be eating I just can't. Telling me what and when to eat isn't going to help that.

I think even though I weigh more than I did last time I recovered, my mental state is in much worse condition.

Conflicted

I'm not sick. I'm fine. I'm not emaciated. I'm not underweight.

I feel like I need help. I also think I don't deserve it.

I got my period yesterday. That was proof to myself that I'm still healthy. Less than 24 hours later it was already over. It was barely anything. I expect the next one won't come at all.

I broke down crying to my boyfriend about how I'm not ready to tell my therapist everything on Thursday. It's just too much to wrap my brain around right now and it makes me feel all panicky and like I can't breathe. He agreed to let me wait until my appointment next week, but he said he's not backing off on that one. At least I have some time now. Will it get any easier? Probably not. But my competition is this weekend and I was afraid they wouldn't let me go. I thought about backing out anyway because the extra pressure on top of everything i'm dealing with is really overwhelming and I think i'm going to end up letting everyone down, but at least this way I'll be there instead of backing out on my team and one of my favorite professors. The only thing is it's lunch friday, dinner friday, breakfast saturday, lunch saturday, dinner saturday. Yeah, no. Especially not in front of people. Especially not food prepared by someone else that I have no idea what the calorie counts are. I can pretty much guarantee you right now that I won't be eating anything at competition, except maybe some apples that i pack in my suitcase. I know, I'm so terrible at recovering.

Speaking of, I'd promised the boyfriend to try to eat a little more as well since i'm supposed to be taking baby steps toward recovery. I added a luna bar to my normal intake. It took me 45 minutes total just to eat the damn thing and i split it into halves with like 2 hours in between. My day ended up looking like this:
wake up at boyfriend's place and go home to work on homework
drink coffee with a splash of unsweetened almond milk (20)
panic about the fact that I got my period so I must be healthy and therefore fat
panic about the fact that my weight stayed the same (probably due to mentioned period)
go to the gym to "wake up my metabolism" and run 1 mile before my leg muscles give out and then resign myself to the elliptical for another 3 miles (-300)
eat a mini fuji apple (60)
take a shower and cry at all the fat in my reflection in the mirror
go to class
eat half of a luna bar, then sorority stuff, then the other half (190)
lie in bed and cry due to exhaustion and confusion
total: 270
burned: 300
net: -30

see? I told you I was good at recovery... ugh. It's not like I didn't try. I did. And trust me it was so so hard just to make myself eat that luna bar. I'm still kind of convinced it's going to make me fatter. I just, don't know what to do. I need help but I feel this compulsion to prove how sick I really am first. This is all so messed up.

Ready or not?

So my boyfriend and I are back together finally. He needed time to figure everything out, but I do believe that now we will be stronger than ever. The only thing is..he made me getting treatment a requirement of this working out. I know he wants what's best for me, and us, and he's right that this disorder changes me, but I am so so so scared. I feel like I'm not ready to get help yet. I'm 125 pounds for goodness sake, no one's going to believe that I have an eating disorder. How am I supposed to recover if I'm not even sick yet? I want to get better, I do, I just keep thinking that I want to put it off. Just let me get down to 110, 100, 95, maybe i'll be sick enough then. He asked me to eat lunch with him, I said no, he pushed, I agreed to a salad bar. I picked at my dry lettuce, carrot sticks, celery, raw broccoli. He kept asking what was wrong. I really didn't know. They were all safe foods. Couldn't have been more than 100 calories total. Probably closer to 50. I think it just felt like a meal. I was sitting down and eating in public. It was overwhelming. I started crying and we had to leave. I just really don't even know how to recover. I'm too scared of getting fatter. i'm too scared of everything. He thinks I'm tiny and bony. I think I'm huge and gross and blubbery. Which one of us is wrong? My logical brain says me, but my disorder says it's him. I want to go out and be carefree and eat at restaurants with him and my friends and my sisters. I want to eat a cookie if someone makes them for me instead of crumpling it up in a paper towel and throwing it away when no one's looking. I want to go to all of the things that I make up excuses to miss. I just...want to starve myself away at the same time. It's the hardest thing in the world to be constantly at war with yourself, because there's no way you can win. Guys, I really don't know what to do. I'm so scared.