down and..downers?

I was going to title this ups and downs, but I really haven't been feeling the up part of it. I feel bad and then worse depending on the day and the time. Right now I'm all panicky. My lovely roommate/sister made me a valentine with an entire bag of Dove milk chocolate promises. I can't. I want to cry. It's such a sweet gesture so why is it destroying me like this? I want to be normal. I want to eat chocolate on valentine's day like a normal girl. Honestly, I want to eat real food like normal too. I stop by Starbucks to get my coffee most days and I always pass the dining hall where normal college students are eating meals and enjoying it or barely thinking about it like normal people. How long has it been since I even went in the dining hall? Must have been last semester. I can't believe I've completely and utterly ruined my college experience with this. This is supposed to be a wonderful time in my life and I avoid everything because it just causes too much anxiety and I'm too afraid of everything. I really do want to get better, so desperately. I just don't know how. I have another weigh in tomorrow morning, then a meeting with my therapist. I wonder if we'll get anywhere this time. I'm not feeling hopeful. It sounds terrible but I feel like I might need residential. I just can't make myself eat and being weighed and talking about my feelings isn't going to change that. I don't know what to do. I slept for maybe around 3 hours last night. The insomnia is terrible. I did manage to finish both of my papers that are due tomorrow though. I'm really proud of myself for that. It's so hard to juggle an eating disorder and a full course load at college. I have a quiz in a few minutes though that I'm not expecting to do very well on. I guess I have to pick my battles. So tonight is Valentine's day and at least my boyfriend is completely understanding of the fact that i can't handle any normal things today like dinner or chocolates or anything so we are just going to watch dvd's in bed together. I'm so thankful for him. I really can't handle any more anxiety inducing situations today.

My intake has pretty much been the same every day. I'm in a routine that I can't get out of. I have black coffee in the morning (3), an apple around noon (80), a venti skinny caramel macchiato (170) in the afternoon, and unsweetened tea in the evening if I want it (1). So about 254 calories a day. And I try to go to the gym almost every day as well to burn that off. It's scary how I've gotten to the point where a net above zero makes me feel so guilty. Oh and don't think I'm losing tons of weight on this plan either. My body is so messed up. I really only lose like 1-2 pounds a week. When you think about it, I should be losing like 5-7. Oh the joys of eating disorders... more dysfunction than my brain can handle and fewer results than your typical healthy diet. Such is my life.

I'm feeling fat. Really fat. I'm massive. Why am I even trying to recover right now? I'm too big already to ever be ok with getting any bigger. Ugh bright side of losing weight so slowly is maybe the nurse won't yell at me for losing weight this week. Hah. They probably think I don't even have an eating disorder.