Ready or not?

So my boyfriend and I are back together finally. He needed time to figure everything out, but I do believe that now we will be stronger than ever. The only thing is..he made me getting treatment a requirement of this working out. I know he wants what's best for me, and us, and he's right that this disorder changes me, but I am so so so scared. I feel like I'm not ready to get help yet. I'm 125 pounds for goodness sake, no one's going to believe that I have an eating disorder. How am I supposed to recover if I'm not even sick yet? I want to get better, I do, I just keep thinking that I want to put it off. Just let me get down to 110, 100, 95, maybe i'll be sick enough then. He asked me to eat lunch with him, I said no, he pushed, I agreed to a salad bar. I picked at my dry lettuce, carrot sticks, celery, raw broccoli. He kept asking what was wrong. I really didn't know. They were all safe foods. Couldn't have been more than 100 calories total. Probably closer to 50. I think it just felt like a meal. I was sitting down and eating in public. It was overwhelming. I started crying and we had to leave. I just really don't even know how to recover. I'm too scared of getting fatter. i'm too scared of everything. He thinks I'm tiny and bony. I think I'm huge and gross and blubbery. Which one of us is wrong? My logical brain says me, but my disorder says it's him. I want to go out and be carefree and eat at restaurants with him and my friends and my sisters. I want to eat a cookie if someone makes them for me instead of crumpling it up in a paper towel and throwing it away when no one's looking. I want to go to all of the things that I make up excuses to miss. I just...want to starve myself away at the same time. It's the hardest thing in the world to be constantly at war with yourself, because there's no way you can win. Guys, I really don't know what to do. I'm so scared.