Out of my mind

123.2

I really just wish I could live outside of my head for awhile. Escape. My therapist has scheduled me to start sessions with an eating disorder therapist as well. So I'll have two therapy sessions a week now. Also my school made me go to the clinic to have a full evaluation done to make sure I'm not in any medical danger, and now I have to go back every single friday morning for them to weigh me... I'm not sure what I expected, but I kind of expected things to be better than this. Like great... now I'm "getting help" but I still can't let myself eat. So I'm just suffering while everyone watches instead of suffering in secret.

This weekend was my ethics competition so I traveled with the team for that. Skipped breakfast and lunch on friday, but I had to attend the formal dinner that evening. I picked at everything and only ended up eating the broccoli and two bites of the corn. I still felt really guilty though, because I'm sure it was cooked in oil. And it was crazy stressful having to sit there and eat with all of these strangers around me. When the waiter tried to put dessert down in front of me I just made him stop. I didn't want to even have to look at that. Honestly, I felt like running out of the room crying, but I somehow held myself together until that night where I cried myself to sleep in the hotel room. Then the next morning I ate fresh grapefruit, pineapple, and grapes. I'm not sure how many calories, but I estimated about 200-250. I felt better about that, my mind can handle fresh fruit. Then the rest of the day I just drank black coffee and water. My team and I went out to ruby tuesday after to celebrate and I of course had to make it awkward by only ordering a water. I said I wasn't feeling well. Oddly though, I actually did start feeling nauseous and ended up running to the bathroom to throw up, which was mainly just stomach acid. Weird. Then we came back to campus and I went out to a party with my boyfriend and afterwards he came back to my dorm and we watched tv in bed, so it was a nice ending to the day. Today we slept in and then I showered, worked on homework, had a sorority meeting, ate raw broccoli and carrots (80 cal) and now I'm here typing an update.

It's strange. I mean, I know recovery takes a long time and it will be hard. I just feel like even though I confessed, I'm not actually in recovery. My intake and my thoughts are just as bad as they ever were and I don't know when anything will start improving. I know I need to get better. I just don't know what else to do.