Conflicted

I'm not sick. I'm fine. I'm not emaciated. I'm not underweight.

I feel like I need help. I also think I don't deserve it.

I got my period yesterday. That was proof to myself that I'm still healthy. Less than 24 hours later it was already over. It was barely anything. I expect the next one won't come at all.

I broke down crying to my boyfriend about how I'm not ready to tell my therapist everything on Thursday. It's just too much to wrap my brain around right now and it makes me feel all panicky and like I can't breathe. He agreed to let me wait until my appointment next week, but he said he's not backing off on that one. At least I have some time now. Will it get any easier? Probably not. But my competition is this weekend and I was afraid they wouldn't let me go. I thought about backing out anyway because the extra pressure on top of everything i'm dealing with is really overwhelming and I think i'm going to end up letting everyone down, but at least this way I'll be there instead of backing out on my team and one of my favorite professors. The only thing is it's lunch friday, dinner friday, breakfast saturday, lunch saturday, dinner saturday. Yeah, no. Especially not in front of people. Especially not food prepared by someone else that I have no idea what the calorie counts are. I can pretty much guarantee you right now that I won't be eating anything at competition, except maybe some apples that i pack in my suitcase. I know, I'm so terrible at recovering.

Speaking of, I'd promised the boyfriend to try to eat a little more as well since i'm supposed to be taking baby steps toward recovery. I added a luna bar to my normal intake. It took me 45 minutes total just to eat the damn thing and i split it into halves with like 2 hours in between. My day ended up looking like this:
wake up at boyfriend's place and go home to work on homework
drink coffee with a splash of unsweetened almond milk (20)
panic about the fact that I got my period so I must be healthy and therefore fat
panic about the fact that my weight stayed the same (probably due to mentioned period)
go to the gym to "wake up my metabolism" and run 1 mile before my leg muscles give out and then resign myself to the elliptical for another 3 miles (-300)
eat a mini fuji apple (60)
take a shower and cry at all the fat in my reflection in the mirror
go to class
eat half of a luna bar, then sorority stuff, then the other half (190)
lie in bed and cry due to exhaustion and confusion
total: 270
burned: 300
net: -30

see? I told you I was good at recovery... ugh. It's not like I didn't try. I did. And trust me it was so so hard just to make myself eat that luna bar. I'm still kind of convinced it's going to make me fatter. I just, don't know what to do. I need help but I feel this compulsion to prove how sick I really am first. This is all so messed up.