Fighting myself

120.6

It's so hard. Sometimes I just feel like I'm two people: the ED version of myself, and the person I was really meant to be. Most of the time I think I can even pick out which side is talking or thinking, but that doesn't mean I can choose which one to listen to. Not yet. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to get there. Right now the huge battle in my head is still over recovery. I mean technically I'm already in treatment. I have a treatment team: therapist, psychiatrist, GP, and they're really pushing the nutritionist. But my thoughts and behaviors haven't changed at all. It's sort of like I've agreed to be monitored, but I'm not actually moving toward recovery. Everyone's just watching my struggle now like it's some reality show. I know I need to take responsibility for myself and my own recovery, but I just haven't been able to get to that point. I'm still in the stage where I feel like maybe someone will swoop in and save me. I've been researching the MinnieMaud approach (Your Eatopia i think will eventually end up saving my life once i'm brave enough to follow it) and I really think that's the path I need to take. Eventually. Not yet. Prime example here of my ED talking but I have to listen. All the good and rational parts of me are screaming to start recovery right now, right this second, I don't want to waste a moment more of life, but the ED is putting off a proper recovery for three reasons:
1. Recovery requires eating. This scares the absolute shit out of me and I just don't think I can do it yet.
2. I'm not sick enough yet. I'm at a weight restored bmi and my stupid thoughts keep telling me that I don't actually need help unless I land myself in the hospital. But even then I know I would still think I didn't deserve help because others would always be sicker than me. It's messed up.
3. I will gain weight in recovery. I know I have a distorted perception of my body, but just because I realize that doesn't mean I can choose to see it the way it actually is. I still feel huge. I still want to lose more weight. I know I can't commit to recovery if I'm also trying to lose more weight.

Recovery is so hard. I deluded myself into thinking that this would all be way different than it is. I "got help" and for some reason I thought that would fix everything. It doesn't. There are so many more struggles ahead of me and I just hope I can eventually move past them.