nausea

Woke up feeling sick to my stomach today. I literally thought I would throw up, and not on purpose either. I didn't even want to stand up it was so bad. But I got up and went to class and now i'm feeling a bit better. I haven't eaten anything yet today, I'm just sipping a black coffee. I always come so close to giving in and giving up on this whole thing. I just can't though, I can't go back to eating and being hugely fat. I've calculated it, and if i stay on track, in exactly 50 days I will be comfortable with myself. Not skinny, mind you, definitely not my UGW, but I won't hate my body quite so much. And I just want to be able to go out in public and not be ashamed of the way I look, of how much weight I've put on since "recovery". I can't believe I used to be 115...How did I let that slip away from me? I know, by trying to recover for myself and for everyone important in my life. I thought it would make me happy, make me normal. But all it does is make me hate myself more for the weight I've gained, and I'm desperate to get it back off. 50 days of sticking to my 200 calorie meal plan and working out whenever possible. It will happen. I will be able to look at myself in the mirror again.