scared

Well yesterday I had 2 cups of light chicken noodle soup (140 cals) but I should have eaten that before the gym instead of after it. I got so nauseous, and actually some pretty bad back pain while I was running, so I only ran 1 mile (-100 cals) and then I had to stop. Still that's a net of 40 calories for yesterday, which is well within my plan. I officially stuck to my plan with no binges for a full week! yay! I'm mostly pleased about the no binges part, i know 200 calories is really bad for me...I just, can't eat more than that and feel ok with myself. I felt guilty even having the soup at all yesterday. whatever. I'm f-ed up. I already knew that. And on that note, I haven't eaten at all today in preparation for tonight. I'm terrified. Going out to dinner at an italian restaurant. Why on earth do social things have to revolve around food?? I want to hang out with my friends, but i am so so scared to eat there. The restaurant doesn't provide nutrition info so i calculated the calories in what I'm going to get by individual ingredients, and i'm looking at around 400 calories. Which is not enough for normal people, but way too much for me. So hopefully i can just pick at it and then hit the gym after. This is what sucks about having a boyfriend that knows about my past eating disorder struggles. He picks up on the tiniest things i say or do. Which actually, i love about him when it's not related to this. Just, please don't say anything about it tonight. please. 

Tomorrow (as long as i don't overeat today) I am off to buy another scale, and maybe some raw veggies. I love carrots, celery, and green pepper all cut up. Sometimes I eat them with salsa, sometimes just by themselves. I guess they're some of my few safe foods, maybe my only safe foods? Oh and then I have zumba tomorrow night with my sorority sisters, yay for fun exercise! And then the rest of friday and saturday will be spent crafting for my Little and doing homework. I like having a schedule like this.