why?

I lost 7 pounds in just under a week. That should make me really happy right? Except it doesn't. I'm still hugely fat. Disgustingly so. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror. I don't want other people to look at me. I just want to lie in bed all day and starve, over and over. It's weird how I always say that the scale sets my mood. It really doesn't. If I gain, I'm distraught. If I stay the same, I'm frustrated. If I lose, it's never enough. There's never a number that I look at and am like "yay! great job, you did so well and now you're thin". Right now I'm still huge. I want to fall asleep and not wake up until I'm at least 20 pounds lighter. I think I'll be ok staying on plan again today. It's tomorrow that I'm worried about. I have to go out to dinner at this Italian restaurant for my friend's birthday. They all eat so so much unhealthy food too, they're just the lucky ones that stay skinny no matter what. Anyway, I already have my plan: a greek salad with no cheese and dressing on the side (which i won't use). I think that should be around 200 cals, maybe less if i only eat a few bites. I just hope no one says anything. I guess I can say my stomach is upset. I mean, that's not even a lie. I've been SO nauseous lately. It's awful. Oh well. I'm thinking of not going to class today... No particular reason except I want to huddle up under my covers in bed and hide from the world. I haven't really missed any classes yet so it would probably be fine...But let's be real. I'm such a perfectionist that I'll probably make myself go anyway. Ugh. I just want to either be thin or be normal. Not fat with an eating disorder.