nothingness

I know I need help. I'm not in denial about that. The thing is, I tried to get help before. I put weight back on (too much) but the stupid voice in my head hasn't gone away, and I can't help feeling that it never will. I stepped on the scale this morning and saw that I lost another 2 pounds, so 9 pounds lost since March 10th. If this was just a diet, If i was normal, I would be pleased with progress. But that voice in my head was just telling me that thank goodness I lost that much because I'm still so fat so I must have been huge to begin with. I skipped breakfast. and lunch. and dinner. again today, and I still feel like a massive failure. Partially it's because with this disorder you're never good enough, but the other part is that I know what I'm doing hurts the people around me and alienates me from the most important people in my life. Truth is, I just don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to lie in bed by myself. I'm always making excuses not to go out with people, lying to my boyfriend and my friends. I watch everyone eat at events and I'm just sitting there, sipping my water, staring at how happy and carefree they are, even while they eat. I'm not jealous of the food they're eating really, just how easily it seems to come to them, to be able to eat what they want and enjoy it. I want that back, I really do, but I have a hard time believing that it will ever happen for me. And I'm just so lonely because I feel like no one understands, and there's no one that I can really talk to about this. I just, i don't know, i don't really care about anything anymore. I'm not myself.