nothing's changed

I haven't posted in a few days. Maybe because nothing's changed. Maybe because I'd rather try to escape my head than write about what's in it. I've mainly been torturing myself with what ifs and hoping that soon my ex will take me back. Pathetic. I can't help but believe that if I hadn't relapsed we'd still be together. Just another thing this disorder has ruined for me. Please don't take law school away from me, it's literally the only thing I have left.

nothing matters anymore

126.6
It's like I don't even care. I remember back when I would have been so relieved to be back in the 120's, especially right in the middle of them. But it doesn't matter. I have homework to do. I don't care. I have new sisters to meet at a super important chapter tonight. I seriously have no emotions about that except that I don't want to go. My roommate took me out to a party last night and I tried to have fun, but I just spent the whole time wishing I was with my ex. Honestly the only thing I care about right now is my ex and how much I want him back. I know that's pathetic, but I can't help it. He makes every day better, and I could really use that especially right now. I never thought I would care about anyone more than my disorder but yeah, he's that for me, and not having him here anymore is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. I want to tell him how I feel, but I know I need to give him space and let him try to move on. I just want to know if he's struggling as much as I am.

Probably not. I'm sure he's having a great time being single.

Fuck. I feel like I just lost the biggest and most important part of my life.

More coffee today. Maybe soup or an apple later if I can stomach it. I hate myself.

action reaction

127.4
I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. I hate early classes. At least now it's the weekend though, so I can catch up on sleep, tv, and homework. I got starbucks with my ex this morning to talk through some things. We're still broken up, but I think it really helped just to talk to each other about what's been going on. I told him about the relapse. He knew. He said he just didn't say anything because he was afraid to upset me. Fair enough. He wants me to get help though. I told him I was fine. He said I obviously am not, but he's not going to fight me on this right now. Anyway, we're going to try to be friends somewhere down the road when it's not so fresh and new. Also, I got a skinny caramel macchiato, which is one of the very limited treats I allow myself. And it's normally only 160-170 calories in a venti (i like my coffee ok?) but this time it tasted sweeter than normal so I kind of panicked that they might have put real syrup in it by mistake or something. So I got home and ran 3 miles and did an ab workout. Appropriate reaction right? i'm such a mess. I sit here and talk about how I'm trying to get into a healthier state of mind and all and then freak out over possible extra sugar that my mind more than likely just made up in the first place. My therapist hasn't even read my files yet, so I didn't tell her about my eating disorder. she'll read it before our appointment next week and probably ask me why i avoided telling her. I don't know, because I'm too scared to get better? Because I don't think anyone can actually help me? who knows.

Begin Again

Ok so maybe it's cheesy, no, I know it's cheesy, but I've been listening to Begin Again by Taylor Swift on repeat pretty much all day. This break up sucks, and it's especially hard to handle at this time in my life, but it's my chance to start over. I've always thought of myself as an independent person, but I'm realizing just how much I relied on my boyfriend, and to be honest, I'm just not ok with that. I need to start handling my own problems and making my own decisions. Taking care of myself essentially. This is a shock and it's devastating, but it's also an opportunity to try to figure out who I am, since I feel like that has gotten lost somewhere along the way. I'm going to spend more time painting and reading, which I have always loved to do, and I'm going to focus on applying for more internships that I'm interested in this summer. Hopefully I can get a handle on my grades as well. I can't let my GPA slip or my chances at Harvard Law are shot. Also I'm kind of looking forward to meeting my new therapist tomorrow. I mean, I spent so much time being anxious that my old one left, but what if I actually like this one better? I don't know, I'm trying to be positive about it all. It will certainly be stressful to dredge up old memories with her, but maybe it will be like a mental cleanse. Also, I'm meeting up with my best guy friend from freshman year for coffee tomorrow. We haven't talked in ages and I'm excited to catch up with him. He's one of those truly decent people and he kind of reminds me of a puppy with the way he gets so excited about everything. Moving on, moving forward. I can do this.

Also, 128 pounds this morning. Probably because I haven't eaten anything since...wow I actually can't remember. Wait, I think I had soup on saturday. Other than that, black coffee and the occasional splash of nonfat milk or unsweetened almond milk. I know that's super unhealthy but honestly I've been so upset that I haven't even been hungry. I might try to stop at the shops and buy some apples and celery or other safe foods. I should tell my therapist about my relapse...but I probably won't. Benefit to her being new: she won't see the drastic weight loss.

Him

I can't help but think that maybe if I had told him the truth, if I'd been honest with him, that he wouldn't have broken up with me. I know this disorder turns me into a different person. I know I get snappy and reclusive. I never want to go out to lunch or dinner, but he doesn't get it, it's not because of him, it's because I don't want to/ can't let myself eat. I should have told him what was going on, why I was so mad and upset all the time. I suppose I still could, theoretically. But I can't, I'm not ready for help yet. It's not like I'm choosing this over him, it's really not. God I need him here, especially because I'm going through this. But that's what eating disorders do, they tear everything that's important in your life away from you. I hate those inspirational messages like "your weight does not define you" and "you're more than just a number". Just give it some time, that might be all I have left.

Everything falls to pieces, and I fall with it

130.4
So my weight's going down again.

My life is a terrible mess though.
My boyfriend just broke up with me today. We dated for two years.
My best friend and my Little, the two people I turn to for everything (other than my now ex) are studying abroad and no longer available.
My grades are already low and it's only two weeks into the semester.
None of the jobs I applied for even got back to me.
I can't afford to pay my speeding ticket or my sorority dues.
and (somewhat obviously) I'm in the middle of quite the relapse with my eating disorder.

So today has basically been a sobfest. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I can't handle any of it. Now I officially have no one to talk to about my ED as well. My ex was the only one who knew. I still can't believe he broke up with me. He knows everything about me. I opened up to him and trusted him with things that I was always too scared to talk to anyone else about. And now I'm just on my own, completely shattered. Numb, but only because i've been feeling way too much, way too intensely, for far too long, and emotions have ceased to make sense. Sadness, anger, disappointment, it's all just kind of this one huge weight on my chest that I can't parse out, but just ends up being a general fear of the world and everything in it. I'm just scared. Scared of what else might happen, what else I might have to feel. And I'm tired. Tired of pretending I'm ok.

Waiting

Still waiting for my weight or my scale or whatever to stop messing with my head. I know ideally I should just stop weighing myself, but easier said than done. I've done my best to eat and keep down some fruits and veggies, so I think that's been good for me, or at least the rational part of my mind thinks that. The other part of me is pissed at myself because now I weigh even more. The weird thing is that my clothes are bigger on me though so I feel like maybe my scale is just broken? I don't know, I still feel hugely fat, but I put on leggings to wear today because the weather is miserable outside and I had to put on two pairs because they're too big to stay up. Which is weird because they're leggings... I don't know. I can't think straight anymore. I don't know what's going on with me. I wish I didn't care so much about that stupid number. I wish I had someone to talk to about this too. I don't know what I'd do without this blog. I keep wanting to tell someone in my life what I'm going through, but even the one person that knows about my issues I don't want to tell because he'd be so disappointed in me and I know he'd watch me even closer and I can't stand the thought of that. I also don't want to talk to my new therapist about it because let's face it, I'm still "weight restored" and she'd just tell me to go back to eating properly, like it's that simple. I'm too sick for anyone to understand me, and not sick enough for anyone to take me seriously. I know I've been down this path before, I know where I'm headed, and as much as I don't want to get there, I don't really want to stop.

More coffee and tears today. I just want to disappear.

still

Still no weight change. I ate a fiber granola bar yesterday (140). Maybe scientists should study me. hmmm so just how fucked up is your body that you eat less than 200 calories every day for a week and instead of losing weight you actually gain .2? Goodness gracious. Part of me wants to eat more today to try to get my metabolism running or at least make this weakness go away. Hunger I can deal with, but i'm so exhausted all the time, and I'm really busy so I can't just stay in bed. The other part of me knows I probably won't eat. I just can't face it. I'm fucking terrified that if I eat more than I have been I'll just gain more weight and I really can't handle that. TMI alert here but I also haven't had a bm in like 2 weeks.. when I do eat it always has fiber so what can I do to kind of fix this situation? I feel like maybe that is what's messing with my weight. I really don't want to take laxatives though. So far I've stayed away from those and I don't need to start any new bad habits, got quite enough of those already.

I already dropped one of my classes this morning. I was taking an extra one just because I'm really interested in it so it's not a huge deal but I find it to be kind of a wake up call that I really don't have my mental health together and this is probably going to be a terrible semester. Also I have a new therapist because my other one got married and moved away. So now I have to explain all my issues all over again and relive everything I don't even want to think about. yay.

And tonight I have rush from 5pm-3am and I have two papers due in my classes tomorrow that I don't have time to write. I need to get away from here. I just want to be alone. Or with my mom. And now I'm crying again. Officially the 3rd breakdown of this semester and it's only the 4th day.

Nothing makes sense anymore

I'm so tired of this. Completely exhausted. Out of my mind. I gained .2 this morning. I know that's not a lot, but from what, black coffee? Other than coffee and one piece of gum and two tic-tacs, I haven't eaten anything. I keep getting on the scale day after day and I just don't know how that's possible. I have to walk around campus to my classes all day, I have dance practice every day, and I'm on my feet for sorority recruitment all night for 6 hours every night this week. Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why? I can't make this stop. I can't just get better because my disorder isn't making me lose weight. It's a disorder. I can't stop. God I've tried so hard to stop before. I just can't take this. I'm so weak and empty and I hate myself so much. Knowing the number will drop when I starve myself is the only thing i've ever been able to rely on and it's failing me. And I'm so weak I keep almost passing out during recruitment and all I want to do is stay in bed with the covers pulled up over my head and hide from everyone and everything. How can they expect me to talk to girls that want to be me? How can they think I'm pretty? How can they want my life? Can people see this in my eyes or is it truly a secret? I hate representing my sisters like this. They are all so gorgeous and wonderful and I feel like the black sheep. Like those word puzzles I played when I was younger: one of these is not like the others. And I don't want to try to make them idolize me or want to be just like me. I don't deserve that admiration. I don't even care about it. I shouldn't even be there. Every second I'm there and talking about why Greek life is so incredible, I just want to leave. Go anywhere else. Go home. Hide in a closet. Curl up in my car in an empty parking lot. It doesn't matter I just need to get out. I judge myself more than 1000 freshman girls ever could, but their stares torture me. I just want to make everything stop. Breakdown after breakdown, on and off the scale, nothing ever gets better.

New Year, Old Habits

133.4
Lost about 12 pounds over christmas break. Still fat. For some reason I haven't lost weight for like the last two weeks though. I'm on my period right now so that explains part of it, but I have been fasting on black coffee for the last 3 days because it just makes me sick to my stomach that I keep seeing that same number on the scale every singe morning. I want to get down to 129 by next friday, I honestly thought I was going to be there like a week ago. I guess I would have if my body hadn't completely stalled out on me. My boyfriend and my best friend were both really pissed at me for not eating yesterday though. Normally college is so busy and I just lie my way out of everything, but they were with me all day. I just said I felt nauseous. That wasn't even a lie. Yesterday was terrible and my anxiety was through the roof so I really did feel sick to my stomach. Not hard to avoid food on days like that. I wonder how long until I start losing weight again. Like seriously, how long can my body hold on to all my fat when I'm only consuming 7 calories a day (approx 2.4 calories in a cup of black coffee)? That calories in calories out nonsense is a load of bull. I've monitored my eating and weight for long enough to know that the correlation that scientists and nutritionists preach just does not work out mathematically in my experience. And they wonder why I'm afraid to eat normally. They don't know my body like I do. I will absolutely gain weight if I eat over 1000 calories.