nothing matters anymore

126.6
It's like I don't even care. I remember back when I would have been so relieved to be back in the 120's, especially right in the middle of them. But it doesn't matter. I have homework to do. I don't care. I have new sisters to meet at a super important chapter tonight. I seriously have no emotions about that except that I don't want to go. My roommate took me out to a party last night and I tried to have fun, but I just spent the whole time wishing I was with my ex. Honestly the only thing I care about right now is my ex and how much I want him back. I know that's pathetic, but I can't help it. He makes every day better, and I could really use that especially right now. I never thought I would care about anyone more than my disorder but yeah, he's that for me, and not having him here anymore is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. I want to tell him how I feel, but I know I need to give him space and let him try to move on. I just want to know if he's struggling as much as I am.

Probably not. I'm sure he's having a great time being single.

Fuck. I feel like I just lost the biggest and most important part of my life.

More coffee today. Maybe soup or an apple later if I can stomach it. I hate myself.