Waiting

Still waiting for my weight or my scale or whatever to stop messing with my head. I know ideally I should just stop weighing myself, but easier said than done. I've done my best to eat and keep down some fruits and veggies, so I think that's been good for me, or at least the rational part of my mind thinks that. The other part of me is pissed at myself because now I weigh even more. The weird thing is that my clothes are bigger on me though so I feel like maybe my scale is just broken? I don't know, I still feel hugely fat, but I put on leggings to wear today because the weather is miserable outside and I had to put on two pairs because they're too big to stay up. Which is weird because they're leggings... I don't know. I can't think straight anymore. I don't know what's going on with me. I wish I didn't care so much about that stupid number. I wish I had someone to talk to about this too. I don't know what I'd do without this blog. I keep wanting to tell someone in my life what I'm going through, but even the one person that knows about my issues I don't want to tell because he'd be so disappointed in me and I know he'd watch me even closer and I can't stand the thought of that. I also don't want to talk to my new therapist about it because let's face it, I'm still "weight restored" and she'd just tell me to go back to eating properly, like it's that simple. I'm too sick for anyone to understand me, and not sick enough for anyone to take me seriously. I know I've been down this path before, I know where I'm headed, and as much as I don't want to get there, I don't really want to stop.

More coffee and tears today. I just want to disappear.