Nothing makes sense anymore

I'm so tired of this. Completely exhausted. Out of my mind. I gained .2 this morning. I know that's not a lot, but from what, black coffee? Other than coffee and one piece of gum and two tic-tacs, I haven't eaten anything. I keep getting on the scale day after day and I just don't know how that's possible. I have to walk around campus to my classes all day, I have dance practice every day, and I'm on my feet for sorority recruitment all night for 6 hours every night this week. Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why? I can't make this stop. I can't just get better because my disorder isn't making me lose weight. It's a disorder. I can't stop. God I've tried so hard to stop before. I just can't take this. I'm so weak and empty and I hate myself so much. Knowing the number will drop when I starve myself is the only thing i've ever been able to rely on and it's failing me. And I'm so weak I keep almost passing out during recruitment and all I want to do is stay in bed with the covers pulled up over my head and hide from everyone and everything. How can they expect me to talk to girls that want to be me? How can they think I'm pretty? How can they want my life? Can people see this in my eyes or is it truly a secret? I hate representing my sisters like this. They are all so gorgeous and wonderful and I feel like the black sheep. Like those word puzzles I played when I was younger: one of these is not like the others. And I don't want to try to make them idolize me or want to be just like me. I don't deserve that admiration. I don't even care about it. I shouldn't even be there. Every second I'm there and talking about why Greek life is so incredible, I just want to leave. Go anywhere else. Go home. Hide in a closet. Curl up in my car in an empty parking lot. It doesn't matter I just need to get out. I judge myself more than 1000 freshman girls ever could, but their stares torture me. I just want to make everything stop. Breakdown after breakdown, on and off the scale, nothing ever gets better.