braced myself for the goodbye

so 119.8 pounds this morning. sorry i haven't posted for a few days, it's finals week for me, and i've been stressed with that, stressed with my weight, and stressed with the boy. so it basically made me want to curl up in bed and never leave...how depressingly pathetic. of course i couldn't. i had too much stuff to do. but i did shut myself off from pretty much everyone (so sorry that included you guys though!). anyway, thursday i was 121.6, friday i was 121.6, saturday i was 121, this morning i was 120.2, then i took my bra and underwear off and i was 119.8. haha. i just really needed to see my weight be in the 110's for the first time, even if it's just barely.

I had two finals yesterday (yeah... saturday finals. uni is sadistic). but they were my hardest ones so it's good to have them over with. now just two left before break! my absolute most difficult class is political science, i love it but the professor is so hard! i studied for over 20 hours for his final alone, and i think i did really well. he even told me when i was leaving that he expects me to be the only person in his course to end up with an A! eeeeeeppp!!! I'm so proud of myself. and i was so so so excited when he said that, that i just got really really happy, and i felt good about myself for once. so since by now i'm sure you're aware that i stop eating when i'm upset, guess what i do when i'm that happy? yepp. i ate. don't worry, it wasn't awful, i just felt awful about it. but it's ok i guess because i felt so awful about it that i went to the gym instead of to dinner and burned it all off. so here are yesterday's stats

yesterday-
intake
breakfast: low fat latte (100 cal), fiber one bar (140 cal)
lunch: low fat latte (100 cal), 5 chips (50 cal), 10 cheez-its (55 cals), 6 quaker oat squares (25 cals)
dinner: nothing
total: 470 calories

burned
4.5 miles bike - 132 cals
5 miles elliptical- 468 cals
total burned- 600 cals

so not awful by the end of the day. why do i still feel so guilty about it? because i ate. and i ate shit food. even if it wasn't really much of it. ugh. it's just something about finals that make me want to eat...i remember i had trouble friday too, but i ended up just eating my leftover salmon and spinach and then i binged on celery at 3 in the morning haha. so i wasn't as mad at myself.

the boy came over last night. it was...confusing. I am glad i got to see him. I did miss him. and I know he missed me because he told me, and he said several times how it felt like it'd been forever, and it was too long. i kept reminding him it'd only been a week since i'd seen him. idk. I guess i'm not mad at him anymore. i never really had a good reason to be anyway, i was just drunk and hurt because i thought he didn't care about me. i was feeling really insecure i suppose. what's new? haha. oh but wait, i'm sure you're waiting for the weird part. ok so we're not like boyfriend and girlfriend, but we spend every weekend together, and we don't see other people, so basically we're together even though we're not...but that's going to change because we're going to have a talk about that before we both leave for break, and we'll see where our relationship is going. but here's the deal, because he's not my boyfriend, i don't expect him to act like my boyfriend, so it confuses me when he does. so all his talk of it's been too long, so this is what i've been missing, just the way he looked at me and held me, it was very..sweet. plus he asked about my shoulder (i have a serious shoulder injury for those that didn't read like months back in my blog haha) and then he started talking about how he was always worried that he was going to hurt it by accident and he doesn't want to hurt me, then he just repeated how i mean alot to him and he doesn't want to hurt me...sweet again. then at some point last night i got up to get something and when i turned back around he had picked up one of my prescription pill bottles and was reading it. i gently took it out of his hand and put it back on my dresser. he looked at me and said "what? i don't have a right to know what you're taking?" my mind just went..whoah. intense. no actually you don't have a right to know because we're not together, and because you should have just asked. but i don't have anything to hide from him (well except my ed) so i just said "no you can look at it, i don't care." and gave it back to him. whatever. the only meds i have are prescription painkillers for my shoulder, and antibiotics for my skin. i don't care if he knows i take those. it was just weird that he was so...sure that it was his right to know that about me. oh and then the weirdest part was when he was leaving he said he couldn't find his keys, so we were both looking for them. I would look through normal places like under my bed or on the floor in case it fell, and then the kitchen counter and my bedside table. but he looked through my stuff. like legitimately looked through things that it's no possible way it would be in. for example my jewelry carrier case, the little zip up bag i keep my hair ties in, and my clutch. i pretended not to notice, but wtf?? like why did he feel the need to look through my things? what does he think i'm hiding from him? did he even lose his keys or was that an excuse to snoop around? it's just. so. weird. idk like i'm not even angry, just really confused.
oh well. sorry about the really really long explanation of the boy drama. i'm not sure anyone cares? haha.
but basically i'm not eating today because my mind's a jumbled mess and i need to clear my thoughts.

DolceCaramel and Mel- thanks for helping keep me sane when i was so frustrated. the scale just pisses me off so much sometimes. i know when i should be losing, and it should be showing much lower numbers than it is. ugh. hopefully it'll get better.