insomnia

it's 2 in the morning, i meant to post at 9 last night. oops. oh well. I really ought to be sleeping too...I've only gotten about 3 hours of sleep a night for the past few months, I just can't sleep. but i still get tired. really tired. exhausted actually. i hate insomnia. 

I was 127 when i weighed in yesterday morning. I'm waiting till before class this morning to weigh in again. 

so far i've been going strong on my fast for 77 hours. mentally i feel like i could fast forever, but physically i know i'm reaching my limit. I had 4 grey-outs today, and if tomorrow is similar i might end up having to cut my fast short. I've found that for the past few weeks i have a mantra running through my head when i walk across campus to get to class. "don't pass out, don't pass out, don't pass out. focus. breathe. don't pass out." it's the combination of lack of food and lack of sleep, but still..it's kind of sad when you have to concentrate on staying conscious. anyway, point being i can't actually pass out, so i'm monitoring myself carefully and this fast might have to be shorter than i intended, although still very successful :)

so today i got up at 7, went to my morning class, went to the bakery to get my black coffee with splenda (mmm) then sat there for 4 hours and wrote a 13 page term paper for my afternoon class, went to class and turned it in and presented it, came back to my dorm and did my squats, crunches, wall sits, leg lifts, and dips, listened to music and attempted to take a nap but ended up just lying there, then my roommates decided we were going to the bakery for dinner. I went with them without a fuss, I've missed them and it's fun to catch up. so i just told them my stomach felt weird and all i got was an ice water. it wasn't as hard as i expected it to be to go with them and not eat even a bite of anything. now let me share something about my roommates and our friend who i'll probably refer to as my roommate several times because she practically does live with us. they eat HEAPS. and it's all junk too. 2 of them are really really skinny (one is my real life thinspo) just because they were unfairly blessed with the best genetics ever, and 2 of them are actually kind of heavy. not like FAT, but you know, heavier than they ought to be. but all four of them eat loads. so at the bakery they each got a sandwich that has like bacon and cheese and mayo and other fatty stuff on it, then got the homemade potato chips as their sides, and they got honey mustard or ranch to dip the chips into, plus they all drank full calorie soda and ate a dessert each. which was like either a huge piece of chocolate cake or cheesecake. as if that wasn't enough, they continued to eat for the rest of the night once we all got back to the dorm. I'm talking popcorn, chips, pasta, cookies, ice cream, and pumpkin pie. ohmygosh. it's like every day they have a nightmare of a binge all day long. depending on my mindset, it's either really good or bad. on days like today, watching them eat that much just grossed me out and made me feel really good about myself. on bad days it makes me insanely jealous and is oh so tempting. 

but i haven't given in. not even a bite. almost 78 hours now. 

the best friend from home that knows about my ed called me again tonight. we talked for a few hours. he worries. i lie. i feel guilty. same old same old. but they're not even really lies. i tell him every time I gain weight (like on that one awful binge night, and then all of thanksgiving break), because i promised him i was working on recovery on my own (ok that is a lie, but it was necessary), then i just conveniently don't mention when i lose all the weight i gained back, plus extra. so now he's under the impression that i'm ten pounds heavier than i was a little less than a month ago, when really i'm about 15 pounds lighter. something like that anyway. i know it's a big difference between what he thinks and what i am. i lose track a little bit. i'm kind of worried he'll freak when i see him over christmas though...but i'll deal with that when it comes. wish i didn't have to lie to him, but i hate to hear him so worried about me, and he feels better when he hears about my "progress"

I'm going to try harder to fall asleep. i have class again in a few hours.