confession

so I haven't been writing for a few days because i haven't had anything good to post, and y'all are all doing so well..but that's not fair because this is all about honesty. and plus, I really really am proud of each and every one of you :)

basically these last two days my scale has gone back up to 122. which sucks. and confuses me. because it's not like i binged. or even really ate that much. sunday i didn't eat at all, and that's when i gained the 1.5 pounds. which i really didn't think/ don't think is possible? yesterday i did well. i tried so hard to eat, and i managed veggies and fruit, which i thought was perfect. yay me. ok sorry for the sarcasm, i really did need it. i have to keep telling myself that. I can't beat myself up over keeping my body alive. but i figured the weight would go back down today, and no such luck. 122.2. it's torturing me. so i figured as hard as it is, i cannot punish myself for that because even though i feel like i failed, i guess i know in my mind that i didn't do anything wrong. so the plan was to eat healthy again today, fruits and veg. but...I've been going through some tough shit lately. idk if y'all remember my post about saturday night. but yeah. it's just really really hard for me. and unfortunately, that means i have a tendency to get even worse than i am normally, and i'm normally pretty bad. so I didn't eat at all today. I had every intention of eating. I wanted to make myself eat. when i realized just how hard it was going to be, i even went to the bakery and got a bagel, because i absolutely love them so i thought i could tempt myself with it. i bought it, i toasted it, i split it into exactly 16 pieces and spread a tiny bit of cream cheese on each piece. and then i stared at it. and sipped my coffee. and stared. and then nearly cried and got up and threw it away. and then i didn't even try to eat the rest of today because i feel so hopeless. and it hurts me to do this to myself, but it hurts me worse to do this to others. when one of my best friends came in to ask why i wasn't going to watch tv with her, she looked so sad, and i couldn't even barely move in bed because i just want to hide under the covers forever. and then she said she was making mac and cheese and offered me some, and when i refused, i saw a flash of something cross her face for just a split second, and i nearly cried. i hate doing this to her. i hate this. i hate this. 

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry everyone. I know y'all are all doing so well and feeling so good. congratulations :) sorry to make this such a depressing post. but i had to be honest. 

 I was supposed to start my period sunday..could that have anything to do with the weight gain? it seems strange that it would since i haven't actually started it...but that's all i can think of. 

struggletobethin- thanks for your concern girl. i did eat yesterday so that's good. and thanks for your compliments on my fast! but i mean, i wouldn't recommend 8 days really, i'd rather do like 3 day fasts, i don't know why i just couldn't stop haha. oh but i read your blog and congrats on the recent loss! keep it up :)