I don't deserve this

121.6 yesterday, 120.8 this morning. less than 2 pounds till i'm an even 119. that's great. it really is. but I can't enjoy it because I'm so disgusted with myself. 

yesterday started out well, I didn't eat anything. yay. go me. but then my roommate and I decided to go out to a party one of our friends was having. well, I had decided to end my fast after a week, and the week was over after all. by the way, that's 168 hours without food, something I never thought I'd be able to do. and actually I guess technically I still haven't eaten, but I still consider my fast broken because of all the calories. basically I drank, alot. about 6 shots of vodka, and at 50 calories per shot, that's like 300 calories of pure alcohol. what a waste. and of course because I haven't eaten in so long and my body had absolutely nothing to absorb the alcohol with, I got completely trashed.

I wasn't originally going to drink so much. I had about 3 shots and noticed I was pretty bad off so I decided to stop. then I got into a sort of fight with W (the boy), and because I'm so emotionally stable, decided another 3 shots would make me feel better. then decided I wasn't going to go home and mope around pathetically so I went to the frat parties and got hit on for a few hours, which should have made me feel better, but it only made me realize that I didn't want any of them, I only wanted W. Which made me feel bad for even considering hooking up with anyone else. so then i got depressed and decided to go home, but I wasn't really in good shape. luckily my best guy friend walked in to the same frat and saw me and kind of freaked out and said he was taking me home. (future reference to myself: just because I could handle alcohol really well at like 145 pounds and when I was eating at least one meal a day, does not mean that I can handle alcohol at 120 pounds and starving...) anyway I'm really lucky he was there. He walked me home and I bawled my eyes out about my fight with W and he laid on my bed with me and listened to me cry drunkenly and talk about my feelings for over an hour, and it was like 4 in the morning. wow. what kind of guy does that? the best kind. he's truly amazing. I wish I could have feelings for a guy like that instead. when he left I started feeling guilty about the calories I consumed that night, so even though I was still drunk, I got up and did 200 crunches. haha. which is so hard when you're that dizzy. and then i went to bed. woke up this morning with the worst hangover ever. did my morning crunches anyway, and weighed in.

thank goodness for the loss on the scale. i couldn't have handled bad news after last night, but i still don't feel like i deserve the good news. I'm sorry everyone, I'll do better today. I haven't eaten anything yet, just sipping on ice water, trying to get rid of my headache. the good news is hangovers always make me nauseous, so my roommates aren't expecting me to eat today. and they ordered 3 large pizzas, cinnastix, and cheesy bread. haha. thank goodness i'm not pressured to eat that shit. I know I probably should eat something today though. maybe an apple later tonight. we'll see what I can get down. ugh. the thought of food makes me feel even sicker. I'm going to focus on the feeling of progress instead. good feelings. tomorrow should be 120 pounds even. just ten pounds from being underweight  which is my goal weight. It feels like it's starting to get close enough to feel possible. I can do this. I will do this. I've never ever been clinically underweight before. I've been underweight for what an athlete at my height should be, but never medically underweight by bmi. I want this so bad. and I am so close.