a little less hate

so i weighed in this morning at 129.2

not good. but better at least than yesterday afternoon. 3 pounds better actually. at least i'm back in the 120's, if only barely. the voices in my head have quieted down just a little, there's a little less anger, a little less hate and abuse. If only you could have heard them over thanksgiving break. almost constantly something like this

"you really just ate that? god, you're so fat, you're just going to be that way forever"

"you had to eat it, you don't want your parents to send you back to therapy do you? calm down, you're not fat. you're wearing size two jeans. it's impossible that you're fat"

"they must not be REAL size twos because you're freaking huge, just look at those thighs and that stomach, you look like a whale"

"you're skinny. everyone says you're skinny. just try to be normal just for a few days. normal people eat. don't cry. god please don't cry. it's ok to eat. you have to eat."

"eww i can already see that food forming fat all over you, how much bigger can you get?"

"calm down. breathe. you can lose the weight again when you're back at school. be normal. be normal. be normal."

and now i know that made me sound like a crazy person. maybe i am. idk. all i know is it's hell to fight with yourself like that and the only time it gets better is when i starve myself. Since i've been fasting the voices don't go away, they still tell me how fat i am, but they're not yelling at me for eating, because i'm not eating. at least i'm not doing anything to make myself fatter. 

so if i stay on track, hopefully i can lose at least a pound a day for the rest of my fast. which should put me back to my previous weight of 124 by saturday morning. i'm currently 39 hours into my fast, and feeling better than i have in about a week, so i shouldn't have much trouble sticking to it. the only issue might be keeping people from noticing, but i'll figure something out. I'm going to keep up with my ab, leg, and arm exercises that i do in my room too. losing weight is great, but i love feeling how firm my muscles are. and the more i lose weight AND do my exercises, the more fat melts off and all that's left is my muscles and bones. which is pretty much how i was before i left for break. sigh. oh well, only 5 pounds till i'm back there again. i'm going to try to make it to swim practices this week. i have alot of homework, but maybe i can make time for practice. i need to. plus, lots of burned calories. 

once i hit 124 again, the goal is 5 more pounds to lose before i go home for christmas break on the 16th. I'd be 119. I want to be under 120 so desperately. I'm not sure i can get there that fast though, so we'll see. it's good to have a goal. 

I need to focus on this 5 pounds first though. that's the important part. get back to where i was. 124. how could i let that slip away?