Waiting

Still waiting for my weight or my scale or whatever to stop messing with my head. I know ideally I should just stop weighing myself, but easier said than done. I've done my best to eat and keep down some fruits and veggies, so I think that's been good for me, or at least the rational part of my mind thinks that. The other part of me is pissed at myself because now I weigh even more. The weird thing is that my clothes are bigger on me though so I feel like maybe my scale is just broken? I don't know, I still feel hugely fat, but I put on leggings to wear today because the weather is miserable outside and I had to put on two pairs because they're too big to stay up. Which is weird because they're leggings... I don't know. I can't think straight anymore. I don't know what's going on with me. I wish I didn't care so much about that stupid number. I wish I had someone to talk to about this too. I don't know what I'd do without this blog. I keep wanting to tell someone in my life what I'm going through, but even the one person that knows about my issues I don't want to tell because he'd be so disappointed in me and I know he'd watch me even closer and I can't stand the thought of that. I also don't want to talk to my new therapist about it because let's face it, I'm still "weight restored" and she'd just tell me to go back to eating properly, like it's that simple. I'm too sick for anyone to understand me, and not sick enough for anyone to take me seriously. I know I've been down this path before, I know where I'm headed, and as much as I don't want to get there, I don't really want to stop.

More coffee and tears today. I just want to disappear.

still

Still no weight change. I ate a fiber granola bar yesterday (140). Maybe scientists should study me. hmmm so just how fucked up is your body that you eat less than 200 calories every day for a week and instead of losing weight you actually gain .2? Goodness gracious. Part of me wants to eat more today to try to get my metabolism running or at least make this weakness go away. Hunger I can deal with, but i'm so exhausted all the time, and I'm really busy so I can't just stay in bed. The other part of me knows I probably won't eat. I just can't face it. I'm fucking terrified that if I eat more than I have been I'll just gain more weight and I really can't handle that. TMI alert here but I also haven't had a bm in like 2 weeks.. when I do eat it always has fiber so what can I do to kind of fix this situation? I feel like maybe that is what's messing with my weight. I really don't want to take laxatives though. So far I've stayed away from those and I don't need to start any new bad habits, got quite enough of those already.

I already dropped one of my classes this morning. I was taking an extra one just because I'm really interested in it so it's not a huge deal but I find it to be kind of a wake up call that I really don't have my mental health together and this is probably going to be a terrible semester. Also I have a new therapist because my other one got married and moved away. So now I have to explain all my issues all over again and relive everything I don't even want to think about. yay.

And tonight I have rush from 5pm-3am and I have two papers due in my classes tomorrow that I don't have time to write. I need to get away from here. I just want to be alone. Or with my mom. And now I'm crying again. Officially the 3rd breakdown of this semester and it's only the 4th day.

Nothing makes sense anymore

I'm so tired of this. Completely exhausted. Out of my mind. I gained .2 this morning. I know that's not a lot, but from what, black coffee? Other than coffee and one piece of gum and two tic-tacs, I haven't eaten anything. I keep getting on the scale day after day and I just don't know how that's possible. I have to walk around campus to my classes all day, I have dance practice every day, and I'm on my feet for sorority recruitment all night for 6 hours every night this week. Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why? I can't make this stop. I can't just get better because my disorder isn't making me lose weight. It's a disorder. I can't stop. God I've tried so hard to stop before. I just can't take this. I'm so weak and empty and I hate myself so much. Knowing the number will drop when I starve myself is the only thing i've ever been able to rely on and it's failing me. And I'm so weak I keep almost passing out during recruitment and all I want to do is stay in bed with the covers pulled up over my head and hide from everyone and everything. How can they expect me to talk to girls that want to be me? How can they think I'm pretty? How can they want my life? Can people see this in my eyes or is it truly a secret? I hate representing my sisters like this. They are all so gorgeous and wonderful and I feel like the black sheep. Like those word puzzles I played when I was younger: one of these is not like the others. And I don't want to try to make them idolize me or want to be just like me. I don't deserve that admiration. I don't even care about it. I shouldn't even be there. Every second I'm there and talking about why Greek life is so incredible, I just want to leave. Go anywhere else. Go home. Hide in a closet. Curl up in my car in an empty parking lot. It doesn't matter I just need to get out. I judge myself more than 1000 freshman girls ever could, but their stares torture me. I just want to make everything stop. Breakdown after breakdown, on and off the scale, nothing ever gets better.

New Year, Old Habits

133.4
Lost about 12 pounds over christmas break. Still fat. For some reason I haven't lost weight for like the last two weeks though. I'm on my period right now so that explains part of it, but I have been fasting on black coffee for the last 3 days because it just makes me sick to my stomach that I keep seeing that same number on the scale every singe morning. I want to get down to 129 by next friday, I honestly thought I was going to be there like a week ago. I guess I would have if my body hadn't completely stalled out on me. My boyfriend and my best friend were both really pissed at me for not eating yesterday though. Normally college is so busy and I just lie my way out of everything, but they were with me all day. I just said I felt nauseous. That wasn't even a lie. Yesterday was terrible and my anxiety was through the roof so I really did feel sick to my stomach. Not hard to avoid food on days like that. I wonder how long until I start losing weight again. Like seriously, how long can my body hold on to all my fat when I'm only consuming 7 calories a day (approx 2.4 calories in a cup of black coffee)? That calories in calories out nonsense is a load of bull. I've monitored my eating and weight for long enough to know that the correlation that scientists and nutritionists preach just does not work out mathematically in my experience. And they wonder why I'm afraid to eat normally. They don't know my body like I do. I will absolutely gain weight if I eat over 1000 calories.

stand up seven times, fall down eight

I honestly keep thinking I'll stop tomorrow. And I do try, it's not just that I'm putting it off. Tonight I even cooked dinner with my boyfriend and when we ate, I really wanted to purge but I told myself if I just waited and distracted myself I would feel better. Two hours later, the full feeling was still unbearable and up comes dinner. ugh. I disgust myself. I want to stop the purging at least. Before this summer I really hadn't purged since like sophomore year of high school. Restricting's just what's normal for me. I would say I don't know why I started up again, but I do. Intense emotions have always made me feel nauseous, combine that with my panic attacks from stress and I end up heaving over the toilet anyway. After I throw up I always feel better, calmer and emptier. Add in a history of eating disorders and I feel like I never really stood a chance against this. Oh and my Little made a joke about eating disorders yesterday. Like really? In what way could that ever be funny?

Limbo

144.6 this morning. I hate even typing that. It's a healthy weight and yet...it has such a poisonous affect on my mind. I'm stuck in some strange limbo. I obviously want to be healthy, both physically and mentally. There's so much I want to accomplish in my life. I'm supposed to go to law school after I graduate, and my plan is to be a criminal prosecutor. I've always pushed myself really hard, partially because I'm a certified genius and I felt like it was my responsibility to use that gift to give something back to the world. I feel like my IQ is an unfair advantage and I need to prove that I'm not coasting in life. So I need to do something amazing, I expect it of myself and I feel like the world expects it of me. Also I want to get better for all the important people in my life. My family went through some pretty hard times dealing with my brother's issues so I feel like I can't let them down too or it will break their hearts. And my boyfriend's been so supportive of me and knows what I'm struggling with, and he's just always so scared that I'm going to end up in the ER again like last time. I've never seen him cry like he did that night, and he still never left my side. But I still can't get rid of the voice that won't let me eat, or if i do, won't let me keep it down. I'm fat. I don't want to be healthy, I want to be underweight. I want the bones back. I miss stepping on the scale every morning and watching that number go down. I miss watching my clothes go from tight to baggy until I'm huddled up in layers of loose fabric. I miss my stomach growling as I try to fall asleep, and knowing that I'll be a little thinner in the morning.

I'm the "perfect" American size 6, and all I want to do is watch my body waste away.

Christmas Wish

All I want for Christmas is to be recovered. Not like be in recovery. Not be assigned a new therapist. Not be fighting myself every single damn day, but actually be recovered. I want to eat normally, and keep that food down, and not hate myself. I wish that wasn't too much to ask. I know I'll still have problems in life, but I just wish I could cope with them healthily instead of constantly reverting back to either anorexia or builimia or my recent sick combination of the two. People don't realize what hell eating disorders are. If I could get out I would. I would give up anything. 

Just ate and purged an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's. Happy Holidays everyone.