stand up seven times, fall down eight

I honestly keep thinking I'll stop tomorrow. And I do try, it's not just that I'm putting it off. Tonight I even cooked dinner with my boyfriend and when we ate, I really wanted to purge but I told myself if I just waited and distracted myself I would feel better. Two hours later, the full feeling was still unbearable and up comes dinner. ugh. I disgust myself. I want to stop the purging at least. Before this summer I really hadn't purged since like sophomore year of high school. Restricting's just what's normal for me. I would say I don't know why I started up again, but I do. Intense emotions have always made me feel nauseous, combine that with my panic attacks from stress and I end up heaving over the toilet anyway. After I throw up I always feel better, calmer and emptier. Add in a history of eating disorders and I feel like I never really stood a chance against this. Oh and my Little made a joke about eating disorders yesterday. Like really? In what way could that ever be funny?

Limbo

144.6 this morning. I hate even typing that. It's a healthy weight and yet...it has such a poisonous affect on my mind. I'm stuck in some strange limbo. I obviously want to be healthy, both physically and mentally. There's so much I want to accomplish in my life. I'm supposed to go to law school after I graduate, and my plan is to be a criminal prosecutor. I've always pushed myself really hard, partially because I'm a certified genius and I felt like it was my responsibility to use that gift to give something back to the world. I feel like my IQ is an unfair advantage and I need to prove that I'm not coasting in life. So I need to do something amazing, I expect it of myself and I feel like the world expects it of me. Also I want to get better for all the important people in my life. My family went through some pretty hard times dealing with my brother's issues so I feel like I can't let them down too or it will break their hearts. And my boyfriend's been so supportive of me and knows what I'm struggling with, and he's just always so scared that I'm going to end up in the ER again like last time. I've never seen him cry like he did that night, and he still never left my side. But I still can't get rid of the voice that won't let me eat, or if i do, won't let me keep it down. I'm fat. I don't want to be healthy, I want to be underweight. I want the bones back. I miss stepping on the scale every morning and watching that number go down. I miss watching my clothes go from tight to baggy until I'm huddled up in layers of loose fabric. I miss my stomach growling as I try to fall asleep, and knowing that I'll be a little thinner in the morning.

I'm the "perfect" American size 6, and all I want to do is watch my body waste away.

Christmas Wish

All I want for Christmas is to be recovered. Not like be in recovery. Not be assigned a new therapist. Not be fighting myself every single damn day, but actually be recovered. I want to eat normally, and keep that food down, and not hate myself. I wish that wasn't too much to ask. I know I'll still have problems in life, but I just wish I could cope with them healthily instead of constantly reverting back to either anorexia or builimia or my recent sick combination of the two. People don't realize what hell eating disorders are. If I could get out I would. I would give up anything. 

Just ate and purged an entire pint of Ben and Jerry's. Happy Holidays everyone.

Changes

Down half a pound this morning. I'm not happy about it because it's just the same weight I gained inexplicably yesterday. So now I'm back to Wednesday's weight. No progress on that front. I don't understand. Restricting has never let me down like this before. I used to lose between half a pound and a pound every day. I wish I could just stop because it's clearly not working, but I can't. I can't let myself eat normally when I'm so huge. I don't deserve to eat regular meals. I need the calmness in my head that comes with the hunger pangs. The only real difference I've noticed is that the light has gone out of my eyes once again. They're just so...dead. And the deep bags under my eyes just make my face look hollow. Also my ribs are getting gross again. Not because I'm skinny, but just because that's where I always lose weight first. I can have ribs poking out everywhere and still have a belly, it's indescribably frustrating.

I still have one more class this afternoon, and then sorority stuff tonight. All I've consumed so far is black coffee and unsweetened green tea. I might have a latte with nonfat milk later to avoid dinner. I hope the scale doesn't let me down again tomorrow.

Can't give in

Ok so today I pretty much woke up and cried because I gained half a pound somehow and I'm really not sure why. Almost binged but I stopped myself and I'm really glad I did. I know that wouldn't make me feel any better, it would only make me fatter. I wore my new skirt from J Crew today. I was relieved that it fit, and it actually looks pretty good on me, it's the right length and the color (a flawless coral) is stunning. It's in a size 6 though...so I'm upset that it's not too big. Being a 6 makes me feel gross. Like I was a 6 in high school, and that was fine for some reason, but after getting down to a 0 my freshman year of college, a 6 just makes me feel huge. Plus I'm not that tall. I know a lot of girls that can pull off like an 8 or 10 and look so skinny but on my tiny frame it just doesn't work. 

So today I had two classes, a meeting, a workout, and in about an hour I have dance practice. I've had a granola bar (140) and a skinny venti latte (160) and that's it. so 300 cals. But I ran a mile (-100) and I have dance practice for 2 hours tonight so I should definitely have a negative intake for today. If I haven't lost anything when I weigh myself in the morning I just don't know what's going on. 

back again

Well it's been awhile since I've updated this blog. Every time I try recovery I keep myself from the blog because I find it triggering, but then every time recovery fails I seem to find my way back here. So as you can guess, another attempt at recovery has come and gone, and now of course I'm way too heavy and I can't live with myself like this. I have lost about 12 pounds of the recovery weight since I relapsed but I still have a long way to go to get to my pre-recovery weight... I pretty much only consume coffee now...the occasional granola bar if I have a long day or something. I mean, in a strange way it feels a lot better to be back again, to feel lighter and emptier and see the number on the scale steadily going down. At the same time, I remember all the reasons i tried to recover. My family, my friends, my wonderful boyfriend, the terrible cold, the insomnia, the passing out, the hiding away from the world because i'm afraid someone might try to feed me. Ugh. I guess that's what it is about this disorder. You can't win either way.

long day

just had an incredibly long day. I had so much stuff to do for my sorority but all of that is over with now thank goodness. I'm nervous about my weight because i didn't have the chance to weigh myself this morning, but i'll weigh tomorrow. i know i shouldn't freak out. i didn't even eat yesterday. it just bothers me to not know. Anyway, at least i fit into my ritual dress, i was kind of worried about that. i mean, it zips up easily i just think it would look better on me if it was loose. After everything i went to dinner with my little, twin, big, and grandbig to get sushi and celebrate. They almost changed their minds about where to go to dinner and i freaked out because i already had a plan of what/how to eat and if it changed i was just so scared i would binge. i don't even like sushi, so i got teriyaki chicken and grilled vegetables. I ate about 4 bites of chicken and some grilled onion and that was it. My little ate the rice that came with it. haha. Fine with me, i don't even like rice and i especially didn't want the added calories. As far as what i ate, i'm rounding up and estimating about 200 calories. I really barely ate but i still feel kind of guilty for it, like maybe i didn't deserve to go to a restaurant at all? i don't know. i can't believe the weekend is over already. i just want to sleep. 

nothingness

I know I need help. I'm not in denial about that. The thing is, I tried to get help before. I put weight back on (too much) but the stupid voice in my head hasn't gone away, and I can't help feeling that it never will. I stepped on the scale this morning and saw that I lost another 2 pounds, so 9 pounds lost since March 10th. If this was just a diet, If i was normal, I would be pleased with progress. But that voice in my head was just telling me that thank goodness I lost that much because I'm still so fat so I must have been huge to begin with. I skipped breakfast. and lunch. and dinner. again today, and I still feel like a massive failure. Partially it's because with this disorder you're never good enough, but the other part is that I know what I'm doing hurts the people around me and alienates me from the most important people in my life. Truth is, I just don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to lie in bed by myself. I'm always making excuses not to go out with people, lying to my boyfriend and my friends. I watch everyone eat at events and I'm just sitting there, sipping my water, staring at how happy and carefree they are, even while they eat. I'm not jealous of the food they're eating really, just how easily it seems to come to them, to be able to eat what they want and enjoy it. I want that back, I really do, but I have a hard time believing that it will ever happen for me. And I'm just so lonely because I feel like no one understands, and there's no one that I can really talk to about this. I just, i don't know, i don't really care about anything anymore. I'm not myself.

rewarding myself?

Well I stuck to plan yesterday, even though it was a bit hard. I didn't eat anything until we went out, and then i avoided all of the bread, didn't touch the appetizer, and then ate my greek salad with no dressing. I'm thinking yesterday was more of a 200 day than the 300-400 day I was expecting. I'm pretty pleased with myself. I still felt absolutely stuffed when I left the restaurant though. I think my stomach's getting smaller. I get pretty full with just 3 bites now. So, as I promised myself, I went to wal-mart this morning. I got a scale of my own so I can weigh myself whenever I want now. I also got fresh grapes, pineapple, grapefruit, watermelon, baby carrots, diet dr. pepper, and 3 cans of soup under 100 calories. It felt really good to buy stuff that's healthy for me, and that I can eat sparingly without feeling too much guilt. I'll still count the calories of course, but at least it will be nutrients that my body needs. So when I got back from the shops I wrote my name on all of my food so the other girls won't eat it. I'm really OCD about that. If I plan to eat an apple for dinner and someone ate my apple and there's none left, I literally can't handle it and I burst into tears and just don't eat anything. Once I was done labeling I ate 3 bites of grapefruit (30 cals) and went back up to my room to work on homework. Good day so far :) Now if only I could look at myself in the mirror and smile...

scared

Well yesterday I had 2 cups of light chicken noodle soup (140 cals) but I should have eaten that before the gym instead of after it. I got so nauseous, and actually some pretty bad back pain while I was running, so I only ran 1 mile (-100 cals) and then I had to stop. Still that's a net of 40 calories for yesterday, which is well within my plan. I officially stuck to my plan with no binges for a full week! yay! I'm mostly pleased about the no binges part, i know 200 calories is really bad for me...I just, can't eat more than that and feel ok with myself. I felt guilty even having the soup at all yesterday. whatever. I'm f-ed up. I already knew that. And on that note, I haven't eaten at all today in preparation for tonight. I'm terrified. Going out to dinner at an italian restaurant. Why on earth do social things have to revolve around food?? I want to hang out with my friends, but i am so so scared to eat there. The restaurant doesn't provide nutrition info so i calculated the calories in what I'm going to get by individual ingredients, and i'm looking at around 400 calories. Which is not enough for normal people, but way too much for me. So hopefully i can just pick at it and then hit the gym after. This is what sucks about having a boyfriend that knows about my past eating disorder struggles. He picks up on the tiniest things i say or do. Which actually, i love about him when it's not related to this. Just, please don't say anything about it tonight. please. 

Tomorrow (as long as i don't overeat today) I am off to buy another scale, and maybe some raw veggies. I love carrots, celery, and green pepper all cut up. Sometimes I eat them with salsa, sometimes just by themselves. I guess they're some of my few safe foods, maybe my only safe foods? Oh and then I have zumba tomorrow night with my sorority sisters, yay for fun exercise! And then the rest of friday and saturday will be spent crafting for my Little and doing homework. I like having a schedule like this.

why?

I lost 7 pounds in just under a week. That should make me really happy right? Except it doesn't. I'm still hugely fat. Disgustingly so. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror. I don't want other people to look at me. I just want to lie in bed all day and starve, over and over. It's weird how I always say that the scale sets my mood. It really doesn't. If I gain, I'm distraught. If I stay the same, I'm frustrated. If I lose, it's never enough. There's never a number that I look at and am like "yay! great job, you did so well and now you're thin". Right now I'm still huge. I want to fall asleep and not wake up until I'm at least 20 pounds lighter. I think I'll be ok staying on plan again today. It's tomorrow that I'm worried about. I have to go out to dinner at this Italian restaurant for my friend's birthday. They all eat so so much unhealthy food too, they're just the lucky ones that stay skinny no matter what. Anyway, I already have my plan: a greek salad with no cheese and dressing on the side (which i won't use). I think that should be around 200 cals, maybe less if i only eat a few bites. I just hope no one says anything. I guess I can say my stomach is upset. I mean, that's not even a lie. I've been SO nauseous lately. It's awful. Oh well. I'm thinking of not going to class today... No particular reason except I want to huddle up under my covers in bed and hide from the world. I haven't really missed any classes yet so it would probably be fine...But let's be real. I'm such a perfectionist that I'll probably make myself go anyway. Ugh. I just want to either be thin or be normal. Not fat with an eating disorder.

making it

I'm actually feeling pretty good this morning. empty. it's nice. I worked out yesterday to burn off the calories i consumed. I ran on the treadmill for the first time in awhile (i usually do the elliptical) and it felt awesome to run again. I also lifted some weights because my arms are super flabby and i hate it. So far I think i've done really well on my plan of having a net calorie intake of 200 or less. I've actually been eating around 200 or under, and I've still been working out! yay! working out is usually my weakness, if i'm not eating much it's really hard to get the energy up to do it. Anyway, I didn't get a chance to weigh myself this morning, I really wish I brought my scale back to college with me, but to be honest i left it at home to help with my recovery... oh well. Maybe I'll buy one at wal-mart on friday as a reward for a staying on plan with no binges for a week. that sounds nice :) I'm just anxious to be able to see the numbers drop every day like i used to. I feel like working out is helping me tone up, but i have no idea how much i weigh... it's making me really anxious and crazy.
I took my test this morning. I don't think i did very well, but i do think i did my best. His tests are so obscure and difficult. I'm scheduling with my advisor for classes for next semester in a few minutes. I'm trying to decide if I should do my regular 16 credits, or drop it down to 12 and give myself a bit of a break for a semester. oh let's be real, i'll take 16. Maybe senior year i'll take a break... Then after that meeting i'm working in the spss lab for my research report on the changing docket of the US Supreme Court. Haha I'm such a nerd but i love it. It is really difficult though, I hope i get it done in time because the data analysis is due this afternoon...I'm almost finished though. When that's over I have a 2 hour lecture. Then crafting for my little and my inspiration sister, and more homework. oops, no time for food.. haha that works fine for me. Maybe I'll even squeeze in another workout later tonight. Today isn't such a bad day after all.

ugh

my boyfriend brought me one of those crackerfuls(130 cal) today because I was camped out waiting for my advisor to help me figure out transfer stuff and he knew I hadn't eaten all day.. btw nothing works out for me and i will not be transferring..sigh. anyway, then after it was all over, i had to go to dinner with him. I just got a salad with lettuce, spinach, celery, carrots and balsamic dressing(150 cals?) and i didn't even eat that much of it (maybe one cup?) but i still feel like i failed today somehow. And I have so much to do but i need need need to go to the gym tonight to burn off whatever calories i ate. I'm going to aim to burn at least 300 cals in case i underestimated the calories in something....

good lord i'm obsessive. why do i feel like a fat ass? why does that feel like so much food?? also why do i keep feeling like bingeing and giving up? I mean I feel full right now, but earlier, I just kept thinking about giving in and eating 3 meals a day, just to stop hiding this from everyone, and maybe focus on my schoolwork instead of this...ugh. quiz, test, and paper due tomorrow....plus at least an hour working out..i guess i'd better get started...

nausea

Woke up feeling sick to my stomach today. I literally thought I would throw up, and not on purpose either. I didn't even want to stand up it was so bad. But I got up and went to class and now i'm feeling a bit better. I haven't eaten anything yet today, I'm just sipping a black coffee. I always come so close to giving in and giving up on this whole thing. I just can't though, I can't go back to eating and being hugely fat. I've calculated it, and if i stay on track, in exactly 50 days I will be comfortable with myself. Not skinny, mind you, definitely not my UGW, but I won't hate my body quite so much. And I just want to be able to go out in public and not be ashamed of the way I look, of how much weight I've put on since "recovery". I can't believe I used to be 115...How did I let that slip away from me? I know, by trying to recover for myself and for everyone important in my life. I thought it would make me happy, make me normal. But all it does is make me hate myself more for the weight I've gained, and I'm desperate to get it back off. 50 days of sticking to my 200 calorie meal plan and working out whenever possible. It will happen. I will be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

ok day

So today I slept in, which felt amazing. Then I got up and changed and messed around on the internet. Then I had a meeting, some homework, a sorority meeting, and then a group project meeting. Somewhere in there I ate a few sticks of carrots and celery and about half a cup of lettuce and diced tomatoes. I'm going to just round that to 100 cals, but i'm pretty sure it was lower. After all my meetings I actually dragged my lazy butt to the gym to work out. I am so proud of that. I didn't really do too much, just 3 miles and some weights, but I burned about 300 cals there so overall I'm pretty pleased with how today turned out. Oh also! I avoided a binge, which is always a pro for me. I don't normally binge, but I do fight the urge a lot. It gets easier for me as more days go by. 

Today's total: -200 cals

i hope tomorrow goes just as well :)

Empty

and cold...really really cold. I've been water fasting for 3 days now... well technically water and sugarfree gum.. so I guess about 10 cals a day because i only let myself have 2 pieces of gum. Anyway I forgot how much it sucks to fast when it's so cold outside. I just can't warm up no matter how many layers I wear. Also my boyfriend doesn't like it when i touch him now because my hands are too cold... ugh. I feel kind of bad about that. Well, that and the fact that i'm keeping this secret from him when i promised him i wouldn't do this again. I felt extremely feverish last night and incredibly nauseous this morning. I know it's my body rebelling against this, but I still didn't eat and in a sick way I guess I'm really proud of myself for that. For practicing self control above all else. I'm actually not even hungry right now, although i do still get food cravings and all. Temptation is a bitch and a half. Honestly I just really wanted to eat baby carrots and hummus so badly last night. I just hate messing up a fasting streak. Also, I haven't weighed myself in awhile, so I kind of want to fast as long as i can before i do. just to see where i'm at now. But my boyfriend and i's one year anniversary is in a few days, and we're going out to dinner. So at most this fast can only last 2 more days... and then we're spending the weekend together in a hotel so there's no way I can pretend i've already eaten. oh well. I can always start fasting again on monday. I just wish people didn't push food so much. why do people have to ask me to eat lunch and dinner with them so often. I still want to hang out with them, but can't we just talk and watch tv or something?? Well this week will be super stressful academically. but i turned in a 6 page paper and did my 25 minute presentation this morning, so at least that's over with. I just can't wait to feel normal again.

Starting Over

So I guess I say this a lot, but I'm back.

The thing is I keep legitimately trying to recover and for awhile I fool myself into thinking that I can and that everything will be ok. I even have a therapist and a psychiatrist now, I got assigned to them in August so I mean, to be fair I really did give it a shot. I just can't do this anymore. I'm at a new high weight, gross. I can't even type it. My clothes don't fit. I just can't handle it. I don't like being touched or looked at, and I hate hate hate pictures of myself. The thing is I don't even enjoy eating really, like I feel so incredibly guilty after, so honestly I just think I'll feel better if I stop. It is going to make it hard though that the people close to me know about my past. Idk I just don't have a choice, I can't do this. Today's been a pretty good start though. I've had 2 salads and that's it. I want to fast though. It's so addicting but it just makes me feel so much better. I just want to get this weight off as quickly as possible. Maybe one day I can look in the mirror again.