playing the role of someone in control

"My independence is calling my name
A doubtful voice divides my faith
My independence only hesitates
An unsure choice I can't embrace
You're gonna have to carve me,
Carve me from stone
Right to the bone or
I'll end up alone
Playing the role
Of someone in control" - Trapt: Lost Realist


118.6 this morning. two and a half pounds away from having a BMI below 20. I know I can't possibly be fat. I know it logically, but i just can't see it. I feel huge and overweight even though i'm in the lower end of healthy. 110 would be medically underweight for me, so in my twisted mind that means i'm currently 8 and a half pounds overweight. because if i'm not underweight, i'm overweight. how messed up is that? I know i need help. I know this isn't normal. but i just can't stop those stupid voices. I can't be normal. I want to, I really want to, but i just can't. you know the weight loss isn't even making me happy anymore? because it's not something i can be proud of, it's something that needs to happen. I hate myself on mornings that i don't lose, and mornings that i do lose, it's never enough. 


I don't want to go home for break. I don't want all the stress of being around food, and trying to get out of my parents and friends making me eat it. I want to stick to the routine i have here. I know how to deal with everything here, it's safer. I'm scared to go home. I'm terrified i'm going to get fat(ter) no matter what i do. 


I watched some episodes of Supersize vs. Superskinny. They analyze the calorie content of their daily diets and figure out how much they're undereating or overeating by. the "superskinny"'s usually are undereating by like 1 or 2 days a week. I calculated mine...I usually undereat by over 6 days a week. I'm supposed to be eating 2,000 calories a day at least, but i usually end up eating less than 1,500 a week. that's bad. even i know that's bad. but then the other part of me hates myself for eating at all. 


today's intake:
black coffee with splenda x2


last final tomorrow morning. thank goodness. i can't wait for this semester to be over. wish me luck.

braced myself for the goodbye

so 119.8 pounds this morning. sorry i haven't posted for a few days, it's finals week for me, and i've been stressed with that, stressed with my weight, and stressed with the boy. so it basically made me want to curl up in bed and never leave...how depressingly pathetic. of course i couldn't. i had too much stuff to do. but i did shut myself off from pretty much everyone (so sorry that included you guys though!). anyway, thursday i was 121.6, friday i was 121.6, saturday i was 121, this morning i was 120.2, then i took my bra and underwear off and i was 119.8. haha. i just really needed to see my weight be in the 110's for the first time, even if it's just barely.

I had two finals yesterday (yeah... saturday finals. uni is sadistic). but they were my hardest ones so it's good to have them over with. now just two left before break! my absolute most difficult class is political science, i love it but the professor is so hard! i studied for over 20 hours for his final alone, and i think i did really well. he even told me when i was leaving that he expects me to be the only person in his course to end up with an A! eeeeeeppp!!! I'm so proud of myself. and i was so so so excited when he said that, that i just got really really happy, and i felt good about myself for once. so since by now i'm sure you're aware that i stop eating when i'm upset, guess what i do when i'm that happy? yepp. i ate. don't worry, it wasn't awful, i just felt awful about it. but it's ok i guess because i felt so awful about it that i went to the gym instead of to dinner and burned it all off. so here are yesterday's stats

yesterday-
intake
breakfast: low fat latte (100 cal), fiber one bar (140 cal)
lunch: low fat latte (100 cal), 5 chips (50 cal), 10 cheez-its (55 cals), 6 quaker oat squares (25 cals)
dinner: nothing
total: 470 calories

burned
4.5 miles bike - 132 cals
5 miles elliptical- 468 cals
total burned- 600 cals

so not awful by the end of the day. why do i still feel so guilty about it? because i ate. and i ate shit food. even if it wasn't really much of it. ugh. it's just something about finals that make me want to eat...i remember i had trouble friday too, but i ended up just eating my leftover salmon and spinach and then i binged on celery at 3 in the morning haha. so i wasn't as mad at myself.

the boy came over last night. it was...confusing. I am glad i got to see him. I did miss him. and I know he missed me because he told me, and he said several times how it felt like it'd been forever, and it was too long. i kept reminding him it'd only been a week since i'd seen him. idk. I guess i'm not mad at him anymore. i never really had a good reason to be anyway, i was just drunk and hurt because i thought he didn't care about me. i was feeling really insecure i suppose. what's new? haha. oh but wait, i'm sure you're waiting for the weird part. ok so we're not like boyfriend and girlfriend, but we spend every weekend together, and we don't see other people, so basically we're together even though we're not...but that's going to change because we're going to have a talk about that before we both leave for break, and we'll see where our relationship is going. but here's the deal, because he's not my boyfriend, i don't expect him to act like my boyfriend, so it confuses me when he does. so all his talk of it's been too long, so this is what i've been missing, just the way he looked at me and held me, it was very..sweet. plus he asked about my shoulder (i have a serious shoulder injury for those that didn't read like months back in my blog haha) and then he started talking about how he was always worried that he was going to hurt it by accident and he doesn't want to hurt me, then he just repeated how i mean alot to him and he doesn't want to hurt me...sweet again. then at some point last night i got up to get something and when i turned back around he had picked up one of my prescription pill bottles and was reading it. i gently took it out of his hand and put it back on my dresser. he looked at me and said "what? i don't have a right to know what you're taking?" my mind just went..whoah. intense. no actually you don't have a right to know because we're not together, and because you should have just asked. but i don't have anything to hide from him (well except my ed) so i just said "no you can look at it, i don't care." and gave it back to him. whatever. the only meds i have are prescription painkillers for my shoulder, and antibiotics for my skin. i don't care if he knows i take those. it was just weird that he was so...sure that it was his right to know that about me. oh and then the weirdest part was when he was leaving he said he couldn't find his keys, so we were both looking for them. I would look through normal places like under my bed or on the floor in case it fell, and then the kitchen counter and my bedside table. but he looked through my stuff. like legitimately looked through things that it's no possible way it would be in. for example my jewelry carrier case, the little zip up bag i keep my hair ties in, and my clutch. i pretended not to notice, but wtf?? like why did he feel the need to look through my things? what does he think i'm hiding from him? did he even lose his keys or was that an excuse to snoop around? it's just. so. weird. idk like i'm not even angry, just really confused.
oh well. sorry about the really really long explanation of the boy drama. i'm not sure anyone cares? haha.
but basically i'm not eating today because my mind's a jumbled mess and i need to clear my thoughts.

DolceCaramel and Mel- thanks for helping keep me sane when i was so frustrated. the scale just pisses me off so much sometimes. i know when i should be losing, and it should be showing much lower numbers than it is. ugh. hopefully it'll get better.

really now?

back up to 121.6. this is making me crazy. y'all read what i ate yesterday. enough to make me gain a pound and a half? apparently i gain a pound for every 100 calories i eat. wtf??? ugh. I'm just so sick of this.

however

I actually got my period today. i think. ok i'm not sure. I thought i got my period at noon, but it seems like it's already over...and i'm really really confused?

went to the gym today. i was desperate to work off that extra 1.6 lbs. went 4.5 miles on the elliptical. burned 400 calories. not enough, but it was hard. i was feeling weak :( oh well. maybe it at least got my metabolism running or something.

we had reservations at the steakhouse for tonight. I had to eat. I tried to eat as little as possible. I didn't eat much, but it still feels like too much. ughhh. at this rate i'll probably gain another 4 pounds or something, even though anyone else would lose weight on a day like today. whatever. i hate the way my body works.

intake:
breakfast- 2 pickles (0 cal)
lunch- coffee (15 cal)
dinner- half of the vegetable minestrone (60 cal), one fourth of the grilled salmon (175 cal?), grilled spinach and onions (15 cal), half of the mango sorbet (90 cal)
total: 355

cals burned: 400

so i still ate less than i burned in my workout...but with my luck the scale won't show that in the morning :(

on another note, finals week has officially begun. wonderful. and the boy's getting annoyed because i won't see him. but i'm still kind of pissed about saturday night, and i mean, it's finals week. my hardest final is saturday morning so i need all the study time i can get. speaking of..i should be doing that right now. haha. but i had to post once today! wish me luck :)


struggle2bethin- thanks! I know i can do it, i just wish i was patient haha. all this fluctuating is making me crazy. i just want to be in the 110's! and it sucks that i keep gaining for no reason.

Mel- thanks :) i wish today's intake was as good...

better

so i'm definitely feeling better than yesterday.

scale said 120.0 this morning :) I'm still not sure what happened, but i'm glad whatever it was is over now. anyway, this means i officially reached my second goal weight! now just ten more pounds until my UGW. it finally feels like it's possible and not just some sort of fairytale wish for the future. no, it actually will happen. I actually will get there. nothing can stop me. it's just a matter of time. In the more immediate future however, i have to lose another pound by next thursday. I promised myself that i'd be in the 110's by the time i went home for break.

other good news: I ate today :)

breakfast- nothing

lunch- celery (10 cal), apple slices (35 cal), pineapple chunks (43 cal)

dinner- greek salad, no dressing (80 cal)

total- 163 calories

Ashley- thanks for helping to keep me grounded, i think it must have had something to do with water retention, although it obviously wasn't period related since..well..still no period haha

struggle2bethin- i like your suggestion and i might use it in the future, thanks. i was able to eat today though :) i guess i was just too upset yesterday. ugh. my emotions definitely get the best of me.

confession

so I haven't been writing for a few days because i haven't had anything good to post, and y'all are all doing so well..but that's not fair because this is all about honesty. and plus, I really really am proud of each and every one of you :)

basically these last two days my scale has gone back up to 122. which sucks. and confuses me. because it's not like i binged. or even really ate that much. sunday i didn't eat at all, and that's when i gained the 1.5 pounds. which i really didn't think/ don't think is possible? yesterday i did well. i tried so hard to eat, and i managed veggies and fruit, which i thought was perfect. yay me. ok sorry for the sarcasm, i really did need it. i have to keep telling myself that. I can't beat myself up over keeping my body alive. but i figured the weight would go back down today, and no such luck. 122.2. it's torturing me. so i figured as hard as it is, i cannot punish myself for that because even though i feel like i failed, i guess i know in my mind that i didn't do anything wrong. so the plan was to eat healthy again today, fruits and veg. but...I've been going through some tough shit lately. idk if y'all remember my post about saturday night. but yeah. it's just really really hard for me. and unfortunately, that means i have a tendency to get even worse than i am normally, and i'm normally pretty bad. so I didn't eat at all today. I had every intention of eating. I wanted to make myself eat. when i realized just how hard it was going to be, i even went to the bakery and got a bagel, because i absolutely love them so i thought i could tempt myself with it. i bought it, i toasted it, i split it into exactly 16 pieces and spread a tiny bit of cream cheese on each piece. and then i stared at it. and sipped my coffee. and stared. and then nearly cried and got up and threw it away. and then i didn't even try to eat the rest of today because i feel so hopeless. and it hurts me to do this to myself, but it hurts me worse to do this to others. when one of my best friends came in to ask why i wasn't going to watch tv with her, she looked so sad, and i couldn't even barely move in bed because i just want to hide under the covers forever. and then she said she was making mac and cheese and offered me some, and when i refused, i saw a flash of something cross her face for just a split second, and i nearly cried. i hate doing this to her. i hate this. i hate this. 

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry everyone. I know y'all are all doing so well and feeling so good. congratulations :) sorry to make this such a depressing post. but i had to be honest. 

 I was supposed to start my period sunday..could that have anything to do with the weight gain? it seems strange that it would since i haven't actually started it...but that's all i can think of. 

struggletobethin- thanks for your concern girl. i did eat yesterday so that's good. and thanks for your compliments on my fast! but i mean, i wouldn't recommend 8 days really, i'd rather do like 3 day fasts, i don't know why i just couldn't stop haha. oh but i read your blog and congrats on the recent loss! keep it up :)

terrified

I'm terrified to eat again. I still haven't done it since I started my fast that's supposed to be over. it's been a little over 8 days since I ate food. I drank alcohol last night, that's why my fast was broken, but i'm supposed to be eating. I was supposed to make myself eat an apple today. but all i can think is calories calories calories. and I don't want to give up this emptiness. and I know it's not logical but I'm afraid of what the scale will say if i eat. not alot, but anything. I was even going to make myself eat a pickle, which is zero calories.and i couldn't do it because it's food so zero calories or not i know it weighs something and then i'd be putting that weight in me, so then i would weigh more. I couldn't even eat a zero calorie food...I know i've gotten progressively worse and worse but i never thought i'd be that bad. but here's the deal: I was doing my crunches a few minutes ago and when I sat up and saw my feet, the toenails on my big toes are blue. I'm kind of freaking out. I need to eat. I just can't do it tonight. but tomorrow. I have to. I will. just some fruit or veggies or both if i'm lucky, but I have to eat something. I'm sorry I know this is kind of a scary and depressing post but I'm just so scared. and i feel so alone. and i think some of y'all will understand how i'm feeling. 


Ashley: thanks so much for your kind comments :) I hope the scale shows 120 or less in the morning so I can have good news to report back to you. then hopefully on to restricting, but eating at least. and i hope with all my heart that i won't gain weight back.

I don't deserve this

121.6 yesterday, 120.8 this morning. less than 2 pounds till i'm an even 119. that's great. it really is. but I can't enjoy it because I'm so disgusted with myself. 

yesterday started out well, I didn't eat anything. yay. go me. but then my roommate and I decided to go out to a party one of our friends was having. well, I had decided to end my fast after a week, and the week was over after all. by the way, that's 168 hours without food, something I never thought I'd be able to do. and actually I guess technically I still haven't eaten, but I still consider my fast broken because of all the calories. basically I drank, alot. about 6 shots of vodka, and at 50 calories per shot, that's like 300 calories of pure alcohol. what a waste. and of course because I haven't eaten in so long and my body had absolutely nothing to absorb the alcohol with, I got completely trashed.

I wasn't originally going to drink so much. I had about 3 shots and noticed I was pretty bad off so I decided to stop. then I got into a sort of fight with W (the boy), and because I'm so emotionally stable, decided another 3 shots would make me feel better. then decided I wasn't going to go home and mope around pathetically so I went to the frat parties and got hit on for a few hours, which should have made me feel better, but it only made me realize that I didn't want any of them, I only wanted W. Which made me feel bad for even considering hooking up with anyone else. so then i got depressed and decided to go home, but I wasn't really in good shape. luckily my best guy friend walked in to the same frat and saw me and kind of freaked out and said he was taking me home. (future reference to myself: just because I could handle alcohol really well at like 145 pounds and when I was eating at least one meal a day, does not mean that I can handle alcohol at 120 pounds and starving...) anyway I'm really lucky he was there. He walked me home and I bawled my eyes out about my fight with W and he laid on my bed with me and listened to me cry drunkenly and talk about my feelings for over an hour, and it was like 4 in the morning. wow. what kind of guy does that? the best kind. he's truly amazing. I wish I could have feelings for a guy like that instead. when he left I started feeling guilty about the calories I consumed that night, so even though I was still drunk, I got up and did 200 crunches. haha. which is so hard when you're that dizzy. and then i went to bed. woke up this morning with the worst hangover ever. did my morning crunches anyway, and weighed in.

thank goodness for the loss on the scale. i couldn't have handled bad news after last night, but i still don't feel like i deserve the good news. I'm sorry everyone, I'll do better today. I haven't eaten anything yet, just sipping on ice water, trying to get rid of my headache. the good news is hangovers always make me nauseous, so my roommates aren't expecting me to eat today. and they ordered 3 large pizzas, cinnastix, and cheesy bread. haha. thank goodness i'm not pressured to eat that shit. I know I probably should eat something today though. maybe an apple later tonight. we'll see what I can get down. ugh. the thought of food makes me feel even sicker. I'm going to focus on the feeling of progress instead. good feelings. tomorrow should be 120 pounds even. just ten pounds from being underweight  which is my goal weight. It feels like it's starting to get close enough to feel possible. I can do this. I will do this. I've never ever been clinically underweight before. I've been underweight for what an athlete at my height should be, but never medically underweight by bmi. I want this so bad. and I am so close. 

excited!

first things first: it's snowinggggg!!!!!!!!!!!  I'm from the south so it's kind of a big deal to me haha. most of the people that go here are from the northeast so they're actually kind of pissed about it, but i'm so so so happy right now! it's so pure and clean and beautiful :) I never want it to stop.

another reason i'm excited: so i was 123.6 yesterday morning, 123 last night, and 121.6 this morning :) I'm getting so close to my goal of the 110's for break. 2 and a half more pounds to lose until i'm 119, and then i just need to focus on maintaining it until and during break. then once i'm back in january, i can lose those last 9 pounds to be 110 pounds :) so I have 11 more days to lose 2.5 pounds. easy :) that's about 0.2 pounds a day, and i know i'll be losing more than that. so now that i think about it, i want to lose the 2.5 pounds this week and then focus only on maintaing during exam week, because it'll be stressful but also because i need to up my intake to 500 cals a day and get used to that so i can handle being home for christmas break. it feels so so good to have a plan. 

oops, almost forgot to update y'all on the fast. this is the seventh day, so 161 hours without food so far. I'm planning on ending it tonight though, 7 days is enough. plus, I went to wal-mart last night with the roommates to get christmas decorations for our suite, it was so fun and now we have lights and tinsel and fake snow and all, it's so cool, but the point was that I stocked up on food to come off of my fast with. I spent 60 dollars haha, healthy food is so expensive. I got apples, grapes, melon, grapefruit, sugar snap peas, green beans, spinach, onions, capsicum (bell peppers), celery, pickles, V8 soups, hummus, mustard, balsamic vinaigrette, and I can't believe it's not butter spray. my roommates gave me *the weirdest* looks for buying all of that healthy stuff (they normally subsist off of pizza, chips, cookies, ice cream, and whatever unhealthy food is on campus), but they didn't comment on it so whatever. it kind of excites me to have all this stuff around, because it's what i'm getting the urge to binge on, and even if i do, it'll still be like 200 calories max because it's all super low cal or zero cal. it's crazy how i actually get cravings for fruits and vegetables now instead of like ice cream and junk food. so i'm not going to deprive myself from healthy food like that, as of tonight, i can start eating again, as long as i keep it under 300 calories a day, which is easy for me, especially with this kind of food :) hopefully that'll help prevent a ton of weight gain since i'm coming off a fast too..

stay strong everyone, and thanks for all your support :)

remember, you're not punishing yourself by restricting, you're rewarding yourself by working towards your goal :)

floating

i wanna feel reckless, i wanna live it up just because, i wanna feel weightless cause that would be enough


So my title refers to my emotions at the moment. not my weight. haha i'm not nearly light enough to even talk about floating. 
Did you know fasting gives you a high just like exercising because they both release endorphins to help you cope with the pain of hunger? cool right. i just read it today. i always knew exercising did, but never heard it about fasting. anyway, i continued fasting AND i worked out today, so i'm double high. haha. it's a good day.


so i've been fasting for 121 hours straight now. i feel freaking invincible. i already achieved my goal for the fast, so i'm only still on it because i'm kind of curious as to how long i can go before someone forces me to eat. so far the lies and avoidances have worked great. how long can i keep it up before it gets too suspicious? we're about to find out. plus i simply don't want to eat. so i won't. 


weighed in at 124.4 pounds this morning. that's 0.2 pounds less than i was before break, so i reached my goal. and you know what else that means? any further weight loss from here will always result in a new low weight. exciting stuff :)
it's a good feeling to know you're the skinniest you've ever been. i mean, i'm still not skinny. but i'm closer than i've ever been before. 


worked out from 5:30- 7:45 tonight. it's the perfect timing to get out of dinner, plus i'm burning cals instead of taking them in. only problem was working out is really hard after not eating for 5 days...kind of frustrating. but i did my best.
1 mile run on treadmill- 70 cal
4.66 miles on elliptical- 430 cal
4 miles stationary bike- 100 cal
so 600 calories burned, and then i did like crunches and lunges and all for the rest of the time there. not bad really. especially for a zero calorie intake day. (i didn't even have coffee today! just water! that's craziness for me..)


hoping the scale shows 123 tomorrow. cool number right? like the number in general. i know it's still a disgusting weight. anyway, the plan is to be in the 110's (119 at least) by the time i go home for break (a little less than 2 weeks). I can do it. I have to. 




I think i just realized that if i comment back to your comments, you will never know because you don't get a notification like i do...so i'll start replying back within my posts. sorry, i haven't been ignoring you!

Dolce- you've been so sweet! I can't thank you enough :) yeah i was worried my roommates might mess up my fast (it's always hard to tell with them..) but this week's been so busy that the lies came surprisingly easily, and they bought all of them, so i guess i just had a stroke of good luck! I would never be able to pull off a fast at home though...parents are way too in my business. hence the thanksgiving weight gain. haha.

almost

weighed in at 125.4 this morning. less than a pound until i'm back at 124.6 like i was before thanksgiving break. 

so far i've been fasting for 86 hours straight. it's frustrating because i'm so glad that the weight i gained is dropping off again, but it just makes me realize how skinny i could have been by now if i hadn't had to gain over break. I would have been in the 110's by now...so unfair. I wish i could just fast until there's no more fat on my body. No eating to please people, no worrying about keeping up appearances, just steadily shrinking until i'm perfect. 

I'm actually feeling ok today. like i'm not sure happy is the right word, but maybe content. it's been a pretty normal day so far, but it's making me realize that my normal life is pretty good. I got up in the morning, did my crunches and squats, then went to class, had my weekly meeting afterwards with my professor (he's my favorite, and we just like talking to each other so after class about once a week we'll just keep discussing the lecture or talk about other things for about a half hour to an hour. it's pretty great too because he's the head of the political science department so if i decide that's definitely what i want to do with my life, he can write me an amazing letter of recommendation), then went and got my daily latte (sugar free with skim milk of course), and came back to my dorm to relax, check all the blogs, and maybe study before my afternoon class (quiz in french...). 

not bad.

it's always been the little things that make me happy. for as long as i can remember. big things just stress me out because i put too many expectations on them to turn out perfectly. simple things are so much better :)

plan for the rest of today is to study, go to class, work on my project, go to this invitation only session with a guest speaker for political science (i can't really tell you who it is, but he's a big deal. not like a famous name. but like a huge deal when it comes to my future if i want a job in the field, and i definitely know the name, i even watched a documentary with him in it, and he's pretty brilliant. i'm really excited. haha. i'm such a dork :p), lie to my roommates and say i ate dinner before/after/during the session, go to wal-mart with the roomies for christmas decorations and also i want to get lots and lots of fruits and veggies for when i eventually stop fasting, then i will camp out in the library and hopefully finish my project. 

scale should say 124 by tomorrow. going to continue fasting at least until then. that'll be more than 100 hours without any food at all. i think that's the longest fast i've ever done. kind of proud of myself. almost passed out in class this morning, but i had my latte so now my blood sugar's up a bit more. don't worry, i have this under control :) not giving in until i reach my goal. by the way, thanks for all of your comments! You're so sweet, and it really helps keep me going and it cheers me up :)

I am determined. I am strong. and i will be thin and pure. 

insomnia

it's 2 in the morning, i meant to post at 9 last night. oops. oh well. I really ought to be sleeping too...I've only gotten about 3 hours of sleep a night for the past few months, I just can't sleep. but i still get tired. really tired. exhausted actually. i hate insomnia. 

I was 127 when i weighed in yesterday morning. I'm waiting till before class this morning to weigh in again. 

so far i've been going strong on my fast for 77 hours. mentally i feel like i could fast forever, but physically i know i'm reaching my limit. I had 4 grey-outs today, and if tomorrow is similar i might end up having to cut my fast short. I've found that for the past few weeks i have a mantra running through my head when i walk across campus to get to class. "don't pass out, don't pass out, don't pass out. focus. breathe. don't pass out." it's the combination of lack of food and lack of sleep, but still..it's kind of sad when you have to concentrate on staying conscious. anyway, point being i can't actually pass out, so i'm monitoring myself carefully and this fast might have to be shorter than i intended, although still very successful :)

so today i got up at 7, went to my morning class, went to the bakery to get my black coffee with splenda (mmm) then sat there for 4 hours and wrote a 13 page term paper for my afternoon class, went to class and turned it in and presented it, came back to my dorm and did my squats, crunches, wall sits, leg lifts, and dips, listened to music and attempted to take a nap but ended up just lying there, then my roommates decided we were going to the bakery for dinner. I went with them without a fuss, I've missed them and it's fun to catch up. so i just told them my stomach felt weird and all i got was an ice water. it wasn't as hard as i expected it to be to go with them and not eat even a bite of anything. now let me share something about my roommates and our friend who i'll probably refer to as my roommate several times because she practically does live with us. they eat HEAPS. and it's all junk too. 2 of them are really really skinny (one is my real life thinspo) just because they were unfairly blessed with the best genetics ever, and 2 of them are actually kind of heavy. not like FAT, but you know, heavier than they ought to be. but all four of them eat loads. so at the bakery they each got a sandwich that has like bacon and cheese and mayo and other fatty stuff on it, then got the homemade potato chips as their sides, and they got honey mustard or ranch to dip the chips into, plus they all drank full calorie soda and ate a dessert each. which was like either a huge piece of chocolate cake or cheesecake. as if that wasn't enough, they continued to eat for the rest of the night once we all got back to the dorm. I'm talking popcorn, chips, pasta, cookies, ice cream, and pumpkin pie. ohmygosh. it's like every day they have a nightmare of a binge all day long. depending on my mindset, it's either really good or bad. on days like today, watching them eat that much just grossed me out and made me feel really good about myself. on bad days it makes me insanely jealous and is oh so tempting. 

but i haven't given in. not even a bite. almost 78 hours now. 

the best friend from home that knows about my ed called me again tonight. we talked for a few hours. he worries. i lie. i feel guilty. same old same old. but they're not even really lies. i tell him every time I gain weight (like on that one awful binge night, and then all of thanksgiving break), because i promised him i was working on recovery on my own (ok that is a lie, but it was necessary), then i just conveniently don't mention when i lose all the weight i gained back, plus extra. so now he's under the impression that i'm ten pounds heavier than i was a little less than a month ago, when really i'm about 15 pounds lighter. something like that anyway. i know it's a big difference between what he thinks and what i am. i lose track a little bit. i'm kind of worried he'll freak when i see him over christmas though...but i'll deal with that when it comes. wish i didn't have to lie to him, but i hate to hear him so worried about me, and he feels better when he hears about my "progress"

I'm going to try harder to fall asleep. i have class again in a few hours. 

a little less hate

so i weighed in this morning at 129.2

not good. but better at least than yesterday afternoon. 3 pounds better actually. at least i'm back in the 120's, if only barely. the voices in my head have quieted down just a little, there's a little less anger, a little less hate and abuse. If only you could have heard them over thanksgiving break. almost constantly something like this

"you really just ate that? god, you're so fat, you're just going to be that way forever"

"you had to eat it, you don't want your parents to send you back to therapy do you? calm down, you're not fat. you're wearing size two jeans. it's impossible that you're fat"

"they must not be REAL size twos because you're freaking huge, just look at those thighs and that stomach, you look like a whale"

"you're skinny. everyone says you're skinny. just try to be normal just for a few days. normal people eat. don't cry. god please don't cry. it's ok to eat. you have to eat."

"eww i can already see that food forming fat all over you, how much bigger can you get?"

"calm down. breathe. you can lose the weight again when you're back at school. be normal. be normal. be normal."

and now i know that made me sound like a crazy person. maybe i am. idk. all i know is it's hell to fight with yourself like that and the only time it gets better is when i starve myself. Since i've been fasting the voices don't go away, they still tell me how fat i am, but they're not yelling at me for eating, because i'm not eating. at least i'm not doing anything to make myself fatter. 

so if i stay on track, hopefully i can lose at least a pound a day for the rest of my fast. which should put me back to my previous weight of 124 by saturday morning. i'm currently 39 hours into my fast, and feeling better than i have in about a week, so i shouldn't have much trouble sticking to it. the only issue might be keeping people from noticing, but i'll figure something out. I'm going to keep up with my ab, leg, and arm exercises that i do in my room too. losing weight is great, but i love feeling how firm my muscles are. and the more i lose weight AND do my exercises, the more fat melts off and all that's left is my muscles and bones. which is pretty much how i was before i left for break. sigh. oh well, only 5 pounds till i'm back there again. i'm going to try to make it to swim practices this week. i have alot of homework, but maybe i can make time for practice. i need to. plus, lots of burned calories. 

once i hit 124 again, the goal is 5 more pounds to lose before i go home for christmas break on the 16th. I'd be 119. I want to be under 120 so desperately. I'm not sure i can get there that fast though, so we'll see. it's good to have a goal. 

I need to focus on this 5 pounds first though. that's the important part. get back to where i was. 124. how could i let that slip away?

back from hell

so i just got back to college after 4 days at my relatives' house. sorry i didn't post for so long, i didn't have access to a computer with internet and my phone wasn't letting me post for some reason...oh well. 

so this is going to be short because it really depresses me.

upon seeing me, my father straight up asked me if i was starving. i said no. nevertheless, for the entire time there he treated me like i was a child and made my plates at meals and watched me eat it. not only was it maddening that he would treat me like that..but it was also fattening and it made me feel so sick even as i was eating it. plus he made me have dessert every night. ugh. i feel like a whale. the really sad part is i counted calories the whole time and i still didn't go over the amount that doctors recommend for me...yet i managed to gain...

a whopping 8 pounds over break. 

not kidding. 

i was 124 when i left and now i'm 132. and it fucking sucks. 

I'm fasting for 6 days at least. maybe more depending on the circumstances. maybe i'll just fast until i'm back to 124. but this isn't a punishment, because i didn't do anything wrong. i didn't binge or anything. i did my best, it's just i had to get my parents off my case. but now i feel disgusting and huge. so really this is more like a reward. i'm allowing myself to not eat at all for as long as it takes. normally i make myself eat at least a little. but i'm making an exception. i'm desperate for my body to feel the way it did when i left. empty and concave. i need my old body back. i need myself back. 

so this week: no food. and honestly i'm feeling so awful that i probably won't even hang out with friends. i have alot of work to do anyway. so nothing but starving, working out, homework, and sleeping for me. messed up as it is, i'm looking forward to this 

I need to be okay again.

Week of binges

So I'm in Texas with my extended family. I flew in about middnight kast night so I've been here over 24 hours now. I am currently typing this on my phone because I don't have access to a computer here... So yesterday at school and the airport and all I did well. Breakfast: half a fiber one bar, 70 cal, a few bites of a muffin, 30 cal lunch: coffee and two hershey's kisses, 30 cal dinner at the airport: one fourth of a salad that I took the dressing and crispy strips out of. So basically a few bites of grilled chicken lettuce and cabbage, 70 cal or less. Total: 200 cal or less today however, I did not do so well. It's because I'm with my family and I'm forced to eat. It's not even like I'm just tempted by food, because I'm actually not. It's that they watch to make sure I eat what's expected of me, which is alot apparently. Breakfast: nothing (slept through it), 0 cal lunch: slice of pizza, 370 cal dinner: half a baked potato, 100 cal, pat of butter, 37 cal, shredded cheese, 100 cal, half a small piece of birthday cake, 150 cal, small scoop of vanilla ice cream, 180 cal total:936 cals it was my uncle's birthday so the cake and ice cream was unavoidable. All the food was. I'm basically just trying to eat as little of everything as possible. It's annoying because I feel like I'm bingeing and it's not my fault. I'm going to be here for three whole more days and then part of Sunday. Over four days of forced binges. I'm going to be huge. There's not even a scale here for me to see how badly I'm doing. Ugh. It's like after just 24 hours I can feel the fat all over me. I'm disgusting. My stomach is no longer firm and empty. I'm full and huge and jiggly and disgusting. And did you know that any intake under 1000 is considered anorexic??? Ha. I ate an anorexic amount and j feel like a pig. Anything over 500 feels like a binge to me, and most of the time I refuse to go over 300. I would prefer to not eat anything at all ever but that's not exactly realistic. I almost had a panic attack earlier. It was before I had to eat the pizza. It was in the oven and my mind just kept freaking out about how they were going to make me eat all that greasy fat. I nearly cried. It got kind of hard to breathe. I had to pull myself together. And they gave me a slice ( thank god just one!) and watched me eat it. My father flat out asked me later today if I got skinnier from starving. I was pretty shocked. Of course I said no and that swim practice has just been intense, but to be honest, I'm surprised daddy dearest even noticed. He's never really cared before...oh well. It sucks because now I know for sure that people are watching me eat, and I can't get away with alot of the tricks I use with my friends. Damn. This is really really hard. Like this is one of the worst weeks of my life. I don't think anyone without an Ed could possibly understand just how painful this is. My plan is to suffer through the week doing as many crunches as I possibly can since that's really the only form of exercise I can do secretly around here, check out the damage on the scale when I get back to school, and then fast until I'm back to where I was: 124.7 and then back to my normal habits of 0-300 cal a day.

my days blur together

sorry, i know i've been posting alot, and i know my last post was titled "end of the day" but the truth is i can't really sleep ever, so the end of the day is just whatever time i think normal people would be in bed. so then i post at the "end of the day" but then something else happens and i have more to post later haha. haven't slept since about 6 hours on saturday night. this truly is craziness. i hope i can sleep on the airplane tonight. that would be perfect. 

anyway, the point of this post. weighed in a few minutes ago and i'm 125 exactly! that means i'm back to my low weight, and have reached my first goal weight :) so proud of myself because i definitely wasn't expecting to see that number. however, some concerns come with this...the first one being that i've lost 15 pounds in about a month, which is great and all, but the last time i saw my mom was a month ago...and 15 pounds is usually pretty visible weight loss, especially to someone who's already concerned about my weight like she was. I remember she was watching me eat all break and then at the end she actually admitted to being relieved that i was eating normally and said she'd been watching me and just didn't want me to slip back into my ed. she didn't know i was already slipping. i didn't tell her. now it's going to be even harder to act this break because i've fallen even further into it. oh well. all i can do is try my best. but still, 125, i'm proud of myself. i mean, it's still too high, but i don't feel like it's too high for normal people. like i feel like on anyone else i would think that's skinny. it's just not good enough for me. but the point is that i'm doing really well. 

I got upset a few hours ago though. i was so frustrated with myself for being messed up. had something to do with this like weird emotional spell i had last night about my ed and i was so so upset but i couldn't cry. i just can't cry anymore. tears don't come. so i had this really weird desire to like..mark my suffering into myself so i wouldn't forget. idk. i don't fully understand. all i know is that i never ever ever imagined that i would ever cut myself. i hate blood passionately, and i had a really bad experience with an ex a while back that was a cutter, it was just never something i understood. i still don't understand. but now i have a red scar across my left hip. and i'm scared and ashamed of myself, but i kind of like it being there. the waistband of my jeans digs into my hipbone right where the scar is so it's like a constant reminder of what i'm doing. not that i ever really needed to be reminded...haha

the boy came over again tonight :) sometimes i think he's the only thing keeping me sane. sometimes i feel like i'm acting with him, but some moments, i just feel so alive, and i only ever feel that when i'm with him. I'm seeing him again in about 4 hours, after my morning class. but then we have to say goodbye because i'm leaving for thanksgiving break at 5 tonight. we'll be apart for less than a week, but for some reason it feels like alot longer. maybe because we'll be so far away from each other. haha. this omg i'm going to miss him post sounds pathetic, but my point was i'm so thankful for the way that he makes me feel. it's like i get to be human again for awhile.

I wish i could crawl in people's heads and see myself as they see me. i wonder how i look...?

end of the day

so after those apple slices this morning (35 cal) all i could choke down was about half of a salad with no dressing (40 cal) at lunch...so 75 cals for the day. I mean, it's good that i didn't accidentally fast again today and i made myself eat, but i just feel disappointed in myself that i couldn't even reach 100 cals in a day. oh well...i'm going to try to eat again tomorrow. i seriously don't know what i'm going to do over break if i can't eat enough to convince my family that i'm fine. i need to get my shit together and fast. this kind of behavior is definitely going to be noticeable...and i CANNOT go back to therapy. ugh. plus what if they pulled me out of uni? i could not handle that, i really do love it here. i would just die if i had to move back home. so tomorrow's another attempt at normalcy. and then the show begins...wish me luck. or i guess "break a leg" since i need to be an actress...

food makes me feel sick :(

so weighed in at 126 even this morning. that's almost another pound down. just one more till i'm at my low weight of 125. but i mean..probably not going to get there for awhile, since i'm almost definitely going to gain over thanksgiving, and then it'll take some time to lose that weight back. but i will get there. i have to. 

so that accidental fast added up to over 60 hours of no food...i kinda feel guilty for it. like i'm out of control or something. it's different when i plan fasts, then i feel good about reaching the goal, but i just feel oddly...helpless. made myself eat about an hour ago. just like i promised i would. had a package of those apple slices from subway (35 cal). now i feel nauseous. it sucks. but i know i needed it. and i'm going to force more food down my throat later today too. maybe a salad and another apple or something. mentally i really really don't want to eat, but my body really has been freaking out a little bit, so i need to take care of myself. plus if i'm getting sick over like an apple then i really need to get my body used to food again or thanksgiving is going to be even worse than i imagined. idk. all i can do is try my best. i don't want to throw up, so i have to be careful not to push myself too hard.

this is a long one

sorry this is going to be a really long post. I just have so much to say. I'm going to break it up into sections though so if you're only interested in parts of it, feel free to skip around.

Intake:

yesterday:

part of a small single scoop of ice cream at ben & jerry's - 200 cal

raw veggie salad (no dressing) with lettuce carrots and cucumbers- 20 cal?

total: 220

today: 

nothing- 0 cal

Explanations for food intake:

so yesterday my roommates made me go to get ice cream with them. I didn't eat at all before i went, and i ordered a small single scoop, but of a regular flavor (i would never hear the end of it if i ordered sorbet or low fat, but if people don't judge you, that really is the best option) and i only ate part of it. I ate it SO slowly, so i did allow myself to enjoy the flavor, but i just kept thinking calories calories calories ugh. then i was only like halfway through when my stomach got upset so i threw the rest away. i'm rounding up on calories because i couldn't actually measure the serving size accurately. then i went to the dining hall with friends for dinner and put mashed potatoes, chicken, pasta, and a salad made only of raw veggies on my plate. (i wanted it to look like i was eating normally). then i just ate a few bites of the raw veggies and kind of covered everything else up. my friend did ask me suspiciously if i had eaten anything, but she dropped it when i assured her i had. 

today wasn't intended to be a fast day, i just kind of don't feel like eating, and no one's made me. so there you go. they all think i'm studying at the moment (i really should be) and that i'll grab something for dinner when i'm done. then if they ask me later i'll say i already did. perfect situation. 

weight:

weighed in at 126.8 this morning!!!! i'm very excited, now i just need to maintain that till thanksgiving and through thanksgiving...then come back ready to keep losing. i'm less than 2 pounds away from my low weight, which is also my current goal weight. 

summary of my day(s) and thoughts/feelings/emotions:

honestly? too exhausted for full thoughts at this point. I'll try to elaborate on some thoughts later if they're relevant.

shopping at the mall today. i'm now a size 4 in most of their jeans, and a size 2 in the boyfriend jeans. um hell yes. my roommate who is my walking thinspo is a 0/2 so with me at a 2/4 i'm so close. i'll definitely be there at 110, which is my final goal weight at the moment.

spent the night with the boy last night. this is the first time one of us has ever actually slept over, we normally end up leaving at like 3 in the morning. but i spent the night in his dorm and didn't end up leaving till after 1 this afternoon. haha. he didn't want me to leave. The whole night was pretty much perfect. he really is amazing and I so don't want to hurt him. plus he likes my body and he tells me i'm beautiful. sometimes it makes me question what i'm doing. not for very long though. i feel like if he likes the way i look now, he'll love the way i look soon. anyway, probably burned like over 1000 calories last night. major plus. 

now the part my status was about. i said something about how i could actually feel myself falling farther and farther. well it's true. and today definitely didn't make me feel any better about that. It's like eating disorders are some sort of hole into the center of the earth, and alot of us start out teetering on the edge because we just have issues that make us prone to eating disorders and then some of us fall in and some don't. then you catch yourself on a ledge at some point, and you're in the hole but still close enough to the top to get out if you really wanted to. that's where you're counting calories, and restricting them to under certain limits and trying to work off what you do eat that's over, or even within your limit. you have some trouble turning down foods because you feel like you're depriving yourself. and you know you're not healthy, but you can't get help yet because you're just not skinny enough. you can't get help until you reach your goals. that's the level i feel like i had been at for awhile, but this week i've felt myself falling down to the next level. i'm not restricting my calorie intake, i just don't want food. the thought of it makes me sick, actually eating it makes me sicker. emptiness is the only thing that feels good. only eating half the ice cream earlier wasn't the problem, it was forcing myself to eat that first half so my roommates wouldn't freak out. I kept thinking of all the calories and fat it was going to put on me and every bite just felt like i was becoming more and more disgusting. even the veggies later at night were hard to swallow because i didn't want to eat anything, i felt like they were making me heavier, taking away my light emptiness. it's a totally different phenomenon from trying not to eat. right now i'm struggling to eat enough so as not to freak everyone out. and also not to die. been having grey-outs recently. i need to watch that. I'm just scared. i feel like at this point i'm actually deeply afraid of getting help because of how much i'll have to eat. how many bites of pain would they force upon me? i know this is the point where there's no getting out. I'm freaked. I want to go back to the level i used to be at. the one right above me where i was still losing weight, but normalcy was within reach if i tried hard enough to go back. Since my recovery a few years ago. i'd gone back to teetering on that first edge, trying desperately not to fall back in again. but it seems once you fall, you just keep falling. and it keeps getting scarier. 

I'm a size 2 in some jeans. that used to be my ideal size, but i'm still not satisfied. how far will i push myself?

my stomach is completely flat, and you can feel my abs. 

you can not only count my ribs, and feel each rib and the indentations between them, but the  bottom of my ribcage juts out from the rest of my body when i stand or lie down a certain way. 

my underwear doesn't sit flat against my skin because my hipbones jut out just a little bit farther.

my collarbones look like handles that you could pick me up by. 

don't get me wrong, i do actually like most of these things, but this is all at what i think of as my gross weight of 126.8. what happens at 110? I'm a little scared. and how do i hide all this from my parents when i see them over break. i'm within a few pounds from the weight/body that sent me to therapy last time, and i know this time i have even more muscle weight from swimming, which means i'm actually thinner than before. proven by my smallest jeans yet. 2's. i still can't believe it. but they can't know. they can't see it. i'll have to layer alot on top too so they don't feel my bones so much when they hug me. i can't go back to therapy. i can't. I just can't be saved. let me be. but that doesn't mean i'm not terrified of myself.