sorry this is going to be a really long post. I just have so much to say. I'm going to break it up into sections though so if you're only interested in parts of it, feel free to skip around.
Intake:
yesterday:
part of a small single scoop of ice cream at ben & jerry's - 200 cal
raw veggie salad (no dressing) with lettuce carrots and cucumbers- 20 cal?
total: 220
today:
nothing- 0 cal
Explanations for food intake:
so yesterday my roommates made me go to get ice cream with them. I didn't eat at all before i went, and i ordered a small single scoop, but of a regular flavor (i would never hear the end of it if i ordered sorbet or low fat, but if people don't judge you, that really is the best option) and i only ate part of it. I ate it SO slowly, so i did allow myself to enjoy the flavor, but i just kept thinking calories calories calories ugh. then i was only like halfway through when my stomach got upset so i threw the rest away. i'm rounding up on calories because i couldn't actually measure the serving size accurately. then i went to the dining hall with friends for dinner and put mashed potatoes, chicken, pasta, and a salad made only of raw veggies on my plate. (i wanted it to look like i was eating normally). then i just ate a few bites of the raw veggies and kind of covered everything else up. my friend did ask me suspiciously if i had eaten anything, but she dropped it when i assured her i had.
today wasn't intended to be a fast day, i just kind of don't feel like eating, and no one's made me. so there you go. they all think i'm studying at the moment (i really should be) and that i'll grab something for dinner when i'm done. then if they ask me later i'll say i already did. perfect situation.
weight:
weighed in at 126.8 this morning!!!! i'm very excited, now i just need to maintain that till thanksgiving and through thanksgiving...then come back ready to keep losing. i'm less than 2 pounds away from my low weight, which is also my current goal weight.
summary of my day(s) and thoughts/feelings/emotions:
honestly? too exhausted for full thoughts at this point. I'll try to elaborate on some thoughts later if they're relevant.
shopping at the mall today. i'm now a size 4 in most of their jeans, and a size 2 in the boyfriend jeans. um hell yes. my roommate who is my walking thinspo is a 0/2 so with me at a 2/4 i'm so close. i'll definitely be there at 110, which is my final goal weight at the moment.
spent the night with the boy last night. this is the first time one of us has ever actually slept over, we normally end up leaving at like 3 in the morning. but i spent the night in his dorm and didn't end up leaving till after 1 this afternoon. haha. he didn't want me to leave. The whole night was pretty much perfect. he really is amazing and I so don't want to hurt him. plus he likes my body and he tells me i'm beautiful. sometimes it makes me question what i'm doing. not for very long though. i feel like if he likes the way i look now, he'll love the way i look soon. anyway, probably burned like over 1000 calories last night. major plus.
now the part my status was about. i said something about how i could actually feel myself falling farther and farther. well it's true. and today definitely didn't make me feel any better about that. It's like eating disorders are some sort of hole into the center of the earth, and alot of us start out teetering on the edge because we just have issues that make us prone to eating disorders and then some of us fall in and some don't. then you catch yourself on a ledge at some point, and you're in the hole but still close enough to the top to get out if you really wanted to. that's where you're counting calories, and restricting them to under certain limits and trying to work off what you do eat that's over, or even within your limit. you have some trouble turning down foods because you feel like you're depriving yourself. and you know you're not healthy, but you can't get help yet because you're just not skinny enough. you can't get help until you reach your goals. that's the level i feel like i had been at for awhile, but this week i've felt myself falling down to the next level. i'm not restricting my calorie intake, i just don't want food. the thought of it makes me sick, actually eating it makes me sicker. emptiness is the only thing that feels good. only eating half the ice cream earlier wasn't the problem, it was forcing myself to eat that first half so my roommates wouldn't freak out. I kept thinking of all the calories and fat it was going to put on me and every bite just felt like i was becoming more and more disgusting. even the veggies later at night were hard to swallow because i didn't want to eat anything, i felt like they were making me heavier, taking away my light emptiness. it's a totally different phenomenon from trying not to eat. right now i'm struggling to eat enough so as not to freak everyone out. and also not to die. been having grey-outs recently. i need to watch that. I'm just scared. i feel like at this point i'm actually deeply afraid of getting help because of how much i'll have to eat. how many bites of pain would they force upon me? i know this is the point where there's no getting out. I'm freaked. I want to go back to the level i used to be at. the one right above me where i was still losing weight, but normalcy was within reach if i tried hard enough to go back. Since my recovery a few years ago. i'd gone back to teetering on that first edge, trying desperately not to fall back in again. but it seems once you fall, you just keep falling. and it keeps getting scarier.
I'm a size 2 in some jeans. that used to be my ideal size, but i'm still not satisfied. how far will i push myself?
my stomach is completely flat, and you can feel my abs.
you can not only count my ribs, and feel each rib and the indentations between them, but the bottom of my ribcage juts out from the rest of my body when i stand or lie down a certain way.
my underwear doesn't sit flat against my skin because my hipbones jut out just a little bit farther.
my collarbones look like handles that you could pick me up by.
don't get me wrong, i do actually like most of these things, but this is all at what i think of as my gross weight of 126.8. what happens at 110? I'm a little scared. and how do i hide all this from my parents when i see them over break. i'm within a few pounds from the weight/body that sent me to therapy last time, and i know this time i have even more muscle weight from swimming, which means i'm actually thinner than before. proven by my smallest jeans yet. 2's. i still can't believe it. but they can't know. they can't see it. i'll have to layer alot on top too so they don't feel my bones so much when they hug me. i can't go back to therapy. i can't. I just can't be saved. let me be. but that doesn't mean i'm not terrified of myself.
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