my days blur together

sorry, i know i've been posting alot, and i know my last post was titled "end of the day" but the truth is i can't really sleep ever, so the end of the day is just whatever time i think normal people would be in bed. so then i post at the "end of the day" but then something else happens and i have more to post later haha. haven't slept since about 6 hours on saturday night. this truly is craziness. i hope i can sleep on the airplane tonight. that would be perfect. 

anyway, the point of this post. weighed in a few minutes ago and i'm 125 exactly! that means i'm back to my low weight, and have reached my first goal weight :) so proud of myself because i definitely wasn't expecting to see that number. however, some concerns come with this...the first one being that i've lost 15 pounds in about a month, which is great and all, but the last time i saw my mom was a month ago...and 15 pounds is usually pretty visible weight loss, especially to someone who's already concerned about my weight like she was. I remember she was watching me eat all break and then at the end she actually admitted to being relieved that i was eating normally and said she'd been watching me and just didn't want me to slip back into my ed. she didn't know i was already slipping. i didn't tell her. now it's going to be even harder to act this break because i've fallen even further into it. oh well. all i can do is try my best. but still, 125, i'm proud of myself. i mean, it's still too high, but i don't feel like it's too high for normal people. like i feel like on anyone else i would think that's skinny. it's just not good enough for me. but the point is that i'm doing really well. 

I got upset a few hours ago though. i was so frustrated with myself for being messed up. had something to do with this like weird emotional spell i had last night about my ed and i was so so upset but i couldn't cry. i just can't cry anymore. tears don't come. so i had this really weird desire to like..mark my suffering into myself so i wouldn't forget. idk. i don't fully understand. all i know is that i never ever ever imagined that i would ever cut myself. i hate blood passionately, and i had a really bad experience with an ex a while back that was a cutter, it was just never something i understood. i still don't understand. but now i have a red scar across my left hip. and i'm scared and ashamed of myself, but i kind of like it being there. the waistband of my jeans digs into my hipbone right where the scar is so it's like a constant reminder of what i'm doing. not that i ever really needed to be reminded...haha

the boy came over again tonight :) sometimes i think he's the only thing keeping me sane. sometimes i feel like i'm acting with him, but some moments, i just feel so alive, and i only ever feel that when i'm with him. I'm seeing him again in about 4 hours, after my morning class. but then we have to say goodbye because i'm leaving for thanksgiving break at 5 tonight. we'll be apart for less than a week, but for some reason it feels like alot longer. maybe because we'll be so far away from each other. haha. this omg i'm going to miss him post sounds pathetic, but my point was i'm so thankful for the way that he makes me feel. it's like i get to be human again for awhile.

I wish i could crawl in people's heads and see myself as they see me. i wonder how i look...?