back from hell

so i just got back to college after 4 days at my relatives' house. sorry i didn't post for so long, i didn't have access to a computer with internet and my phone wasn't letting me post for some reason...oh well. 

so this is going to be short because it really depresses me.

upon seeing me, my father straight up asked me if i was starving. i said no. nevertheless, for the entire time there he treated me like i was a child and made my plates at meals and watched me eat it. not only was it maddening that he would treat me like that..but it was also fattening and it made me feel so sick even as i was eating it. plus he made me have dessert every night. ugh. i feel like a whale. the really sad part is i counted calories the whole time and i still didn't go over the amount that doctors recommend for me...yet i managed to gain...

a whopping 8 pounds over break. 

not kidding. 

i was 124 when i left and now i'm 132. and it fucking sucks. 

I'm fasting for 6 days at least. maybe more depending on the circumstances. maybe i'll just fast until i'm back to 124. but this isn't a punishment, because i didn't do anything wrong. i didn't binge or anything. i did my best, it's just i had to get my parents off my case. but now i feel disgusting and huge. so really this is more like a reward. i'm allowing myself to not eat at all for as long as it takes. normally i make myself eat at least a little. but i'm making an exception. i'm desperate for my body to feel the way it did when i left. empty and concave. i need my old body back. i need myself back. 

so this week: no food. and honestly i'm feeling so awful that i probably won't even hang out with friends. i have alot of work to do anyway. so nothing but starving, working out, homework, and sleeping for me. messed up as it is, i'm looking forward to this 

I need to be okay again.