Stuck

117.4

I feel so stuck. Like I really do want to recover, I just feel like no one's helping me. I can't do this on my own. My therapist gave up on me yesterday so now I'm being transferred over to her boss and I have my first appointment with her tomorrow. They keep talking about a higher level of care, but then they don't want me to start it yet because my grades are still good and i'd have to withdraw from this semester. Like I know my health is the most important thing, but it's hard to justify it when even my therapist won't. So I think I'm stuck just kind of half-assing recovery on my own until the summer when I can get into a proper program. I don't know, that sounds like hell but I'm not really sure what other option I have. I mean, I don't want to withdraw from classes. I've worked so hard already this semester to just waste it all. I wish I could just snap my fingers and be free from this. People keep telling me to just try harder when I get back from spring break. But I really am trying. I just need more support than I'm getting here and I finally realize that. Now it's just a matter of how long I can wait to get that support. Well spring break starts this friday if I can survive my last few midterms. It feels weird. I should definitely be looking forward to it more than I am. I just don't know if I can pretend to be normal and carefree for a whole week on the beach with my friends. At the very least, I get to escape from here for a bit and hopefully get some sand and sun. I'll try to keep a positive attitude.

Ultimatums

So my therapist just told me that she's been talking with my nurse and if i lose any more weight at this friday's weigh in then they will have to tell my parents because they can break confidentiality under the "danger to self or others" clause. I wanted to yell at her. scream. cry. I'm not even underweight yet. Why won't they let me get to like 100 pounds, or 95, or 90? I know that sounds ridiculous, but I can't control my thoughts. I just don't feel like I'm sick enough yet to start getting better. And of course I'm going to lose weight at the weigh in..I still can't bring myself to eat anything except an apple or some grapefruit every day. Although my weight actually has been plateaued this weekend... of course now i'm thinking about trying to waterload or something. I don't know. I know I need help. I just don't feel like I deserve it yet. And they said I need a "higher level of care" and won't be able to stay at college. I'm so embarrassed. Ashamed. I should be able to pull myself out of this. Stop this madness so I don't have to lose a semester and hurt the ones i love. God I wish I could. I'm all for getting better until I realize that it means eating and then I just feel too panicky to even breathe properly. I want to fix my head without fixing my body. Recover from the neck up, as my therapist pointed out to me. I know I can't do that. I just feel like I can't change my behaviors without getting rid of the demons in my head first. I feel like this week is just me waiting for my execution on Friday.

Fighting myself

120.6

It's so hard. Sometimes I just feel like I'm two people: the ED version of myself, and the person I was really meant to be. Most of the time I think I can even pick out which side is talking or thinking, but that doesn't mean I can choose which one to listen to. Not yet. Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to get there. Right now the huge battle in my head is still over recovery. I mean technically I'm already in treatment. I have a treatment team: therapist, psychiatrist, GP, and they're really pushing the nutritionist. But my thoughts and behaviors haven't changed at all. It's sort of like I've agreed to be monitored, but I'm not actually moving toward recovery. Everyone's just watching my struggle now like it's some reality show. I know I need to take responsibility for myself and my own recovery, but I just haven't been able to get to that point. I'm still in the stage where I feel like maybe someone will swoop in and save me. I've been researching the MinnieMaud approach (Your Eatopia i think will eventually end up saving my life once i'm brave enough to follow it) and I really think that's the path I need to take. Eventually. Not yet. Prime example here of my ED talking but I have to listen. All the good and rational parts of me are screaming to start recovery right now, right this second, I don't want to waste a moment more of life, but the ED is putting off a proper recovery for three reasons:
1. Recovery requires eating. This scares the absolute shit out of me and I just don't think I can do it yet.
2. I'm not sick enough yet. I'm at a weight restored bmi and my stupid thoughts keep telling me that I don't actually need help unless I land myself in the hospital. But even then I know I would still think I didn't deserve help because others would always be sicker than me. It's messed up.
3. I will gain weight in recovery. I know I have a distorted perception of my body, but just because I realize that doesn't mean I can choose to see it the way it actually is. I still feel huge. I still want to lose more weight. I know I can't commit to recovery if I'm also trying to lose more weight.

Recovery is so hard. I deluded myself into thinking that this would all be way different than it is. I "got help" and for some reason I thought that would fix everything. It doesn't. There are so many more struggles ahead of me and I just hope I can eventually move past them.

down and..downers?

I was going to title this ups and downs, but I really haven't been feeling the up part of it. I feel bad and then worse depending on the day and the time. Right now I'm all panicky. My lovely roommate/sister made me a valentine with an entire bag of Dove milk chocolate promises. I can't. I want to cry. It's such a sweet gesture so why is it destroying me like this? I want to be normal. I want to eat chocolate on valentine's day like a normal girl. Honestly, I want to eat real food like normal too. I stop by Starbucks to get my coffee most days and I always pass the dining hall where normal college students are eating meals and enjoying it or barely thinking about it like normal people. How long has it been since I even went in the dining hall? Must have been last semester. I can't believe I've completely and utterly ruined my college experience with this. This is supposed to be a wonderful time in my life and I avoid everything because it just causes too much anxiety and I'm too afraid of everything. I really do want to get better, so desperately. I just don't know how. I have another weigh in tomorrow morning, then a meeting with my therapist. I wonder if we'll get anywhere this time. I'm not feeling hopeful. It sounds terrible but I feel like I might need residential. I just can't make myself eat and being weighed and talking about my feelings isn't going to change that. I don't know what to do. I slept for maybe around 3 hours last night. The insomnia is terrible. I did manage to finish both of my papers that are due tomorrow though. I'm really proud of myself for that. It's so hard to juggle an eating disorder and a full course load at college. I have a quiz in a few minutes though that I'm not expecting to do very well on. I guess I have to pick my battles. So tonight is Valentine's day and at least my boyfriend is completely understanding of the fact that i can't handle any normal things today like dinner or chocolates or anything so we are just going to watch dvd's in bed together. I'm so thankful for him. I really can't handle any more anxiety inducing situations today.

My intake has pretty much been the same every day. I'm in a routine that I can't get out of. I have black coffee in the morning (3), an apple around noon (80), a venti skinny caramel macchiato (170) in the afternoon, and unsweetened tea in the evening if I want it (1). So about 254 calories a day. And I try to go to the gym almost every day as well to burn that off. It's scary how I've gotten to the point where a net above zero makes me feel so guilty. Oh and don't think I'm losing tons of weight on this plan either. My body is so messed up. I really only lose like 1-2 pounds a week. When you think about it, I should be losing like 5-7. Oh the joys of eating disorders... more dysfunction than my brain can handle and fewer results than your typical healthy diet. Such is my life.

I'm feeling fat. Really fat. I'm massive. Why am I even trying to recover right now? I'm too big already to ever be ok with getting any bigger. Ugh bright side of losing weight so slowly is maybe the nurse won't yell at me for losing weight this week. Hah. They probably think I don't even have an eating disorder.

Limbo

I'm definitely in some sort of limbo. I'm tired. Too tired to do much of anything really. It's exhausting just to get up and attend classes, I'm honestly not sure if I'm going to be able to keep up with the work as well. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. I know my lack of energy is from starving myself and if I could just eat then it would start to get better. I just can't. I feel like I'm screaming out for someone to help me because I can't live like this anymore, but I also can't stop. But they don't get it. They don't get how bad it is because my weight and my health are acceptable to them right now. How low do I need to go? Should I lose 5 more pounds? 10? 15? 20? When will someone save me from myself?

Out of my mind

123.2

I really just wish I could live outside of my head for awhile. Escape. My therapist has scheduled me to start sessions with an eating disorder therapist as well. So I'll have two therapy sessions a week now. Also my school made me go to the clinic to have a full evaluation done to make sure I'm not in any medical danger, and now I have to go back every single friday morning for them to weigh me... I'm not sure what I expected, but I kind of expected things to be better than this. Like great... now I'm "getting help" but I still can't let myself eat. So I'm just suffering while everyone watches instead of suffering in secret.

This weekend was my ethics competition so I traveled with the team for that. Skipped breakfast and lunch on friday, but I had to attend the formal dinner that evening. I picked at everything and only ended up eating the broccoli and two bites of the corn. I still felt really guilty though, because I'm sure it was cooked in oil. And it was crazy stressful having to sit there and eat with all of these strangers around me. When the waiter tried to put dessert down in front of me I just made him stop. I didn't want to even have to look at that. Honestly, I felt like running out of the room crying, but I somehow held myself together until that night where I cried myself to sleep in the hotel room. Then the next morning I ate fresh grapefruit, pineapple, and grapes. I'm not sure how many calories, but I estimated about 200-250. I felt better about that, my mind can handle fresh fruit. Then the rest of the day I just drank black coffee and water. My team and I went out to ruby tuesday after to celebrate and I of course had to make it awkward by only ordering a water. I said I wasn't feeling well. Oddly though, I actually did start feeling nauseous and ended up running to the bathroom to throw up, which was mainly just stomach acid. Weird. Then we came back to campus and I went out to a party with my boyfriend and afterwards he came back to my dorm and we watched tv in bed, so it was a nice ending to the day. Today we slept in and then I showered, worked on homework, had a sorority meeting, ate raw broccoli and carrots (80 cal) and now I'm here typing an update.

It's strange. I mean, I know recovery takes a long time and it will be hard. I just feel like even though I confessed, I'm not actually in recovery. My intake and my thoughts are just as bad as they ever were and I don't know when anything will start improving. I know I need to get better. I just don't know what else to do.

Today's the day

123.8

Today's the day I have to confess my relapse to my therapist. No more extension for me since my boyfriend said i'm not improving any on my own. He's right, but I also think he expects too much of me. I'm not ready. I also know I never really will be. I couldn't sleep last night. I tossed and turned for hours with way too much on my mind. Everything I think is a contradiction. It's like I'm split down the middle, or I'm two people. Get better and get sicker. Gain weight and lose weight. I'm dying and not that ill. I want to be healthy but I need to feel all my bones. I want people to be concerned but without noticing what's wrong. And the biggest realization of last night...

I want recovery, but not if they make me eat.

I know that probably sounds ridiculous. Like duh, it's eating disorder recovery, they're going to make you eat. But I made a list last night of 100 reasons I want to recover. I was feeling pretty motivated about everything and maybe even a little brave. Then I realized that all of those reasons are things that are only going to come way down the road, like changes in my mindset. The right now part, the actual chewing and swallowing and trying to get better, I don't think I can do it. I'm completely terrified. Calories, textures, smells, sugar, butter, oils, fats, portions, meals...please don't make me. The last time I ate a complete meal without purging was December 12th and I was on a road trip with a friend. Before that it might have been October. Like it's not even just the idea of gaining weight that's freaking me out, although that is scary too, it's the actual eating. I used to at least think about foods that I wish I could let myself eat, like yum I miss this or that or that would be delicious wouldn't it be nice if I could eat that? but no. Not anymore. Now even what used to be my favorite foods terrify me and I don't even want to be near them. I just hope they don't give me a meal plan and think that will help. I seriously know that I should be eating I just can't. Telling me what and when to eat isn't going to help that.

I think even though I weigh more than I did last time I recovered, my mental state is in much worse condition.

Conflicted

I'm not sick. I'm fine. I'm not emaciated. I'm not underweight.

I feel like I need help. I also think I don't deserve it.

I got my period yesterday. That was proof to myself that I'm still healthy. Less than 24 hours later it was already over. It was barely anything. I expect the next one won't come at all.

I broke down crying to my boyfriend about how I'm not ready to tell my therapist everything on Thursday. It's just too much to wrap my brain around right now and it makes me feel all panicky and like I can't breathe. He agreed to let me wait until my appointment next week, but he said he's not backing off on that one. At least I have some time now. Will it get any easier? Probably not. But my competition is this weekend and I was afraid they wouldn't let me go. I thought about backing out anyway because the extra pressure on top of everything i'm dealing with is really overwhelming and I think i'm going to end up letting everyone down, but at least this way I'll be there instead of backing out on my team and one of my favorite professors. The only thing is it's lunch friday, dinner friday, breakfast saturday, lunch saturday, dinner saturday. Yeah, no. Especially not in front of people. Especially not food prepared by someone else that I have no idea what the calorie counts are. I can pretty much guarantee you right now that I won't be eating anything at competition, except maybe some apples that i pack in my suitcase. I know, I'm so terrible at recovering.

Speaking of, I'd promised the boyfriend to try to eat a little more as well since i'm supposed to be taking baby steps toward recovery. I added a luna bar to my normal intake. It took me 45 minutes total just to eat the damn thing and i split it into halves with like 2 hours in between. My day ended up looking like this:
wake up at boyfriend's place and go home to work on homework
drink coffee with a splash of unsweetened almond milk (20)
panic about the fact that I got my period so I must be healthy and therefore fat
panic about the fact that my weight stayed the same (probably due to mentioned period)
go to the gym to "wake up my metabolism" and run 1 mile before my leg muscles give out and then resign myself to the elliptical for another 3 miles (-300)
eat a mini fuji apple (60)
take a shower and cry at all the fat in my reflection in the mirror
go to class
eat half of a luna bar, then sorority stuff, then the other half (190)
lie in bed and cry due to exhaustion and confusion
total: 270
burned: 300
net: -30

see? I told you I was good at recovery... ugh. It's not like I didn't try. I did. And trust me it was so so hard just to make myself eat that luna bar. I'm still kind of convinced it's going to make me fatter. I just, don't know what to do. I need help but I feel this compulsion to prove how sick I really am first. This is all so messed up.

Ready or not?

So my boyfriend and I are back together finally. He needed time to figure everything out, but I do believe that now we will be stronger than ever. The only thing is..he made me getting treatment a requirement of this working out. I know he wants what's best for me, and us, and he's right that this disorder changes me, but I am so so so scared. I feel like I'm not ready to get help yet. I'm 125 pounds for goodness sake, no one's going to believe that I have an eating disorder. How am I supposed to recover if I'm not even sick yet? I want to get better, I do, I just keep thinking that I want to put it off. Just let me get down to 110, 100, 95, maybe i'll be sick enough then. He asked me to eat lunch with him, I said no, he pushed, I agreed to a salad bar. I picked at my dry lettuce, carrot sticks, celery, raw broccoli. He kept asking what was wrong. I really didn't know. They were all safe foods. Couldn't have been more than 100 calories total. Probably closer to 50. I think it just felt like a meal. I was sitting down and eating in public. It was overwhelming. I started crying and we had to leave. I just really don't even know how to recover. I'm too scared of getting fatter. i'm too scared of everything. He thinks I'm tiny and bony. I think I'm huge and gross and blubbery. Which one of us is wrong? My logical brain says me, but my disorder says it's him. I want to go out and be carefree and eat at restaurants with him and my friends and my sisters. I want to eat a cookie if someone makes them for me instead of crumpling it up in a paper towel and throwing it away when no one's looking. I want to go to all of the things that I make up excuses to miss. I just...want to starve myself away at the same time. It's the hardest thing in the world to be constantly at war with yourself, because there's no way you can win. Guys, I really don't know what to do. I'm so scared.

nothing's changed

I haven't posted in a few days. Maybe because nothing's changed. Maybe because I'd rather try to escape my head than write about what's in it. I've mainly been torturing myself with what ifs and hoping that soon my ex will take me back. Pathetic. I can't help but believe that if I hadn't relapsed we'd still be together. Just another thing this disorder has ruined for me. Please don't take law school away from me, it's literally the only thing I have left.

nothing matters anymore

126.6
It's like I don't even care. I remember back when I would have been so relieved to be back in the 120's, especially right in the middle of them. But it doesn't matter. I have homework to do. I don't care. I have new sisters to meet at a super important chapter tonight. I seriously have no emotions about that except that I don't want to go. My roommate took me out to a party last night and I tried to have fun, but I just spent the whole time wishing I was with my ex. Honestly the only thing I care about right now is my ex and how much I want him back. I know that's pathetic, but I can't help it. He makes every day better, and I could really use that especially right now. I never thought I would care about anyone more than my disorder but yeah, he's that for me, and not having him here anymore is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. I want to tell him how I feel, but I know I need to give him space and let him try to move on. I just want to know if he's struggling as much as I am.

Probably not. I'm sure he's having a great time being single.

Fuck. I feel like I just lost the biggest and most important part of my life.

More coffee today. Maybe soup or an apple later if I can stomach it. I hate myself.

action reaction

127.4
I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. I hate early classes. At least now it's the weekend though, so I can catch up on sleep, tv, and homework. I got starbucks with my ex this morning to talk through some things. We're still broken up, but I think it really helped just to talk to each other about what's been going on. I told him about the relapse. He knew. He said he just didn't say anything because he was afraid to upset me. Fair enough. He wants me to get help though. I told him I was fine. He said I obviously am not, but he's not going to fight me on this right now. Anyway, we're going to try to be friends somewhere down the road when it's not so fresh and new. Also, I got a skinny caramel macchiato, which is one of the very limited treats I allow myself. And it's normally only 160-170 calories in a venti (i like my coffee ok?) but this time it tasted sweeter than normal so I kind of panicked that they might have put real syrup in it by mistake or something. So I got home and ran 3 miles and did an ab workout. Appropriate reaction right? i'm such a mess. I sit here and talk about how I'm trying to get into a healthier state of mind and all and then freak out over possible extra sugar that my mind more than likely just made up in the first place. My therapist hasn't even read my files yet, so I didn't tell her about my eating disorder. she'll read it before our appointment next week and probably ask me why i avoided telling her. I don't know, because I'm too scared to get better? Because I don't think anyone can actually help me? who knows.

Begin Again

Ok so maybe it's cheesy, no, I know it's cheesy, but I've been listening to Begin Again by Taylor Swift on repeat pretty much all day. This break up sucks, and it's especially hard to handle at this time in my life, but it's my chance to start over. I've always thought of myself as an independent person, but I'm realizing just how much I relied on my boyfriend, and to be honest, I'm just not ok with that. I need to start handling my own problems and making my own decisions. Taking care of myself essentially. This is a shock and it's devastating, but it's also an opportunity to try to figure out who I am, since I feel like that has gotten lost somewhere along the way. I'm going to spend more time painting and reading, which I have always loved to do, and I'm going to focus on applying for more internships that I'm interested in this summer. Hopefully I can get a handle on my grades as well. I can't let my GPA slip or my chances at Harvard Law are shot. Also I'm kind of looking forward to meeting my new therapist tomorrow. I mean, I spent so much time being anxious that my old one left, but what if I actually like this one better? I don't know, I'm trying to be positive about it all. It will certainly be stressful to dredge up old memories with her, but maybe it will be like a mental cleanse. Also, I'm meeting up with my best guy friend from freshman year for coffee tomorrow. We haven't talked in ages and I'm excited to catch up with him. He's one of those truly decent people and he kind of reminds me of a puppy with the way he gets so excited about everything. Moving on, moving forward. I can do this.

Also, 128 pounds this morning. Probably because I haven't eaten anything since...wow I actually can't remember. Wait, I think I had soup on saturday. Other than that, black coffee and the occasional splash of nonfat milk or unsweetened almond milk. I know that's super unhealthy but honestly I've been so upset that I haven't even been hungry. I might try to stop at the shops and buy some apples and celery or other safe foods. I should tell my therapist about my relapse...but I probably won't. Benefit to her being new: she won't see the drastic weight loss.

Him

I can't help but think that maybe if I had told him the truth, if I'd been honest with him, that he wouldn't have broken up with me. I know this disorder turns me into a different person. I know I get snappy and reclusive. I never want to go out to lunch or dinner, but he doesn't get it, it's not because of him, it's because I don't want to/ can't let myself eat. I should have told him what was going on, why I was so mad and upset all the time. I suppose I still could, theoretically. But I can't, I'm not ready for help yet. It's not like I'm choosing this over him, it's really not. God I need him here, especially because I'm going through this. But that's what eating disorders do, they tear everything that's important in your life away from you. I hate those inspirational messages like "your weight does not define you" and "you're more than just a number". Just give it some time, that might be all I have left.

Everything falls to pieces, and I fall with it

130.4
So my weight's going down again.

My life is a terrible mess though.
My boyfriend just broke up with me today. We dated for two years.
My best friend and my Little, the two people I turn to for everything (other than my now ex) are studying abroad and no longer available.
My grades are already low and it's only two weeks into the semester.
None of the jobs I applied for even got back to me.
I can't afford to pay my speeding ticket or my sorority dues.
and (somewhat obviously) I'm in the middle of quite the relapse with my eating disorder.

So today has basically been a sobfest. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and I can't handle any of it. Now I officially have no one to talk to about my ED as well. My ex was the only one who knew. I still can't believe he broke up with me. He knows everything about me. I opened up to him and trusted him with things that I was always too scared to talk to anyone else about. And now I'm just on my own, completely shattered. Numb, but only because i've been feeling way too much, way too intensely, for far too long, and emotions have ceased to make sense. Sadness, anger, disappointment, it's all just kind of this one huge weight on my chest that I can't parse out, but just ends up being a general fear of the world and everything in it. I'm just scared. Scared of what else might happen, what else I might have to feel. And I'm tired. Tired of pretending I'm ok.

Waiting

Still waiting for my weight or my scale or whatever to stop messing with my head. I know ideally I should just stop weighing myself, but easier said than done. I've done my best to eat and keep down some fruits and veggies, so I think that's been good for me, or at least the rational part of my mind thinks that. The other part of me is pissed at myself because now I weigh even more. The weird thing is that my clothes are bigger on me though so I feel like maybe my scale is just broken? I don't know, I still feel hugely fat, but I put on leggings to wear today because the weather is miserable outside and I had to put on two pairs because they're too big to stay up. Which is weird because they're leggings... I don't know. I can't think straight anymore. I don't know what's going on with me. I wish I didn't care so much about that stupid number. I wish I had someone to talk to about this too. I don't know what I'd do without this blog. I keep wanting to tell someone in my life what I'm going through, but even the one person that knows about my issues I don't want to tell because he'd be so disappointed in me and I know he'd watch me even closer and I can't stand the thought of that. I also don't want to talk to my new therapist about it because let's face it, I'm still "weight restored" and she'd just tell me to go back to eating properly, like it's that simple. I'm too sick for anyone to understand me, and not sick enough for anyone to take me seriously. I know I've been down this path before, I know where I'm headed, and as much as I don't want to get there, I don't really want to stop.

More coffee and tears today. I just want to disappear.

still

Still no weight change. I ate a fiber granola bar yesterday (140). Maybe scientists should study me. hmmm so just how fucked up is your body that you eat less than 200 calories every day for a week and instead of losing weight you actually gain .2? Goodness gracious. Part of me wants to eat more today to try to get my metabolism running or at least make this weakness go away. Hunger I can deal with, but i'm so exhausted all the time, and I'm really busy so I can't just stay in bed. The other part of me knows I probably won't eat. I just can't face it. I'm fucking terrified that if I eat more than I have been I'll just gain more weight and I really can't handle that. TMI alert here but I also haven't had a bm in like 2 weeks.. when I do eat it always has fiber so what can I do to kind of fix this situation? I feel like maybe that is what's messing with my weight. I really don't want to take laxatives though. So far I've stayed away from those and I don't need to start any new bad habits, got quite enough of those already.

I already dropped one of my classes this morning. I was taking an extra one just because I'm really interested in it so it's not a huge deal but I find it to be kind of a wake up call that I really don't have my mental health together and this is probably going to be a terrible semester. Also I have a new therapist because my other one got married and moved away. So now I have to explain all my issues all over again and relive everything I don't even want to think about. yay.

And tonight I have rush from 5pm-3am and I have two papers due in my classes tomorrow that I don't have time to write. I need to get away from here. I just want to be alone. Or with my mom. And now I'm crying again. Officially the 3rd breakdown of this semester and it's only the 4th day.

Nothing makes sense anymore

I'm so tired of this. Completely exhausted. Out of my mind. I gained .2 this morning. I know that's not a lot, but from what, black coffee? Other than coffee and one piece of gum and two tic-tacs, I haven't eaten anything. I keep getting on the scale day after day and I just don't know how that's possible. I have to walk around campus to my classes all day, I have dance practice every day, and I'm on my feet for sorority recruitment all night for 6 hours every night this week. Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why? I can't make this stop. I can't just get better because my disorder isn't making me lose weight. It's a disorder. I can't stop. God I've tried so hard to stop before. I just can't take this. I'm so weak and empty and I hate myself so much. Knowing the number will drop when I starve myself is the only thing i've ever been able to rely on and it's failing me. And I'm so weak I keep almost passing out during recruitment and all I want to do is stay in bed with the covers pulled up over my head and hide from everyone and everything. How can they expect me to talk to girls that want to be me? How can they think I'm pretty? How can they want my life? Can people see this in my eyes or is it truly a secret? I hate representing my sisters like this. They are all so gorgeous and wonderful and I feel like the black sheep. Like those word puzzles I played when I was younger: one of these is not like the others. And I don't want to try to make them idolize me or want to be just like me. I don't deserve that admiration. I don't even care about it. I shouldn't even be there. Every second I'm there and talking about why Greek life is so incredible, I just want to leave. Go anywhere else. Go home. Hide in a closet. Curl up in my car in an empty parking lot. It doesn't matter I just need to get out. I judge myself more than 1000 freshman girls ever could, but their stares torture me. I just want to make everything stop. Breakdown after breakdown, on and off the scale, nothing ever gets better.

New Year, Old Habits

133.4
Lost about 12 pounds over christmas break. Still fat. For some reason I haven't lost weight for like the last two weeks though. I'm on my period right now so that explains part of it, but I have been fasting on black coffee for the last 3 days because it just makes me sick to my stomach that I keep seeing that same number on the scale every singe morning. I want to get down to 129 by next friday, I honestly thought I was going to be there like a week ago. I guess I would have if my body hadn't completely stalled out on me. My boyfriend and my best friend were both really pissed at me for not eating yesterday though. Normally college is so busy and I just lie my way out of everything, but they were with me all day. I just said I felt nauseous. That wasn't even a lie. Yesterday was terrible and my anxiety was through the roof so I really did feel sick to my stomach. Not hard to avoid food on days like that. I wonder how long until I start losing weight again. Like seriously, how long can my body hold on to all my fat when I'm only consuming 7 calories a day (approx 2.4 calories in a cup of black coffee)? That calories in calories out nonsense is a load of bull. I've monitored my eating and weight for long enough to know that the correlation that scientists and nutritionists preach just does not work out mathematically in my experience. And they wonder why I'm afraid to eat normally. They don't know my body like I do. I will absolutely gain weight if I eat over 1000 calories.