stuck in limbo

133 exactly again this morning. the scale won't budge, and neither will my relationship issues. how fitting.
worst part is i think we could have resolved everything last night, except that I've been so exhausted that I completely slept through his texts and call. in my defense, I did text him before he went out to all the parties, but it's not like I expected him to skip them, it is halloween weekend after all. I guess I'm just not as in to them as everyone else is around here. but I do wish I knew what he was thinking. what if he thinks i was ignoring him? that's just going to make all of this worse. and even worse than that, what if he thinks i went home with some other guy? i'd hope he wouldn't assume that, but after our talk on friday night, i'm not exactly sure. damn. we really need to get this sorted out fast, because it is causing me major anxiety.

short and..sweet?

so straight to the point today: weighed in at 133 this morning. that's great. I should be ecstatic. but I'm not. why? I have no idea. My mind's just all over the place. I know I'm getting less and less fat which is great, but it's getting harder and harder to keep lying to people. especially as I'm continuing to get skinnier.
Plus..what with the whole start to a what-are-we-relationship-wise convo last night with the boy, I'm feeling really confused. I like him alot. alot alot. but I'm kind of terrified that if I become his girlfriend that he'll notice when I don't eat, that he'll notice me getting skinnier and skinnier, that he'll notice how completely messed up I am and not want to be with me anymore. I mean, who would? I wouldn't blame him. I have a hell of alot of baggage and I'm more than aware of that. I actually feel like it's selfish of me to even encourage the idea of a relationship because I honestly don't want to do that to him; I don't want to put him through any pain. He's truly a good guy and he doesn't deserve that. but what if I'm permanently messed up? What if I will never deserve to be loved?

cue the downward spiral

eventful night

too tired to make this long. so here are the basics:

got kidnapped and taken to panera bread - 200 cals so about 302 cals total for the day, not awful

concert was AMAZING, and i even resisted getting anything from McDonalds while we were waiting for it to be my friend's band's turn. didn't get back till after 1 though.

boy came over to see me :) I really missed him. few confusing things happened though, main one being that he kind of started to initiate the "so what are we?" talk, but then we kept getting interrupted by his phone because his friend was having a crisis, so we never actually got anywhere with that except that apparently he does want to be considered more than a friend? i mean obv we're more than friends but like..title wise. and then he had to leave to help his friend but apparently he had been planning on sleeping over tonight??? what? haha I didn't even invite him to, not that I would mind, I'd love it. i just didn't know we were getting so serious emotionally. maybe we really are taking this somewhere. we'll see.
calories burned- ??? hahahaha

ups and downs

weighed in this morning at 135 even. so that's good, although I'm not making progress as quickly as I would like. but at least it is progress.
my professor didn't show up for my class this morning, so I got to go home and sleep some more, and I'm feeling alot better. I think most of my stress comes from exhaustion and once I eliminate that, I'm alot happier and less on edge, which i'm sure everyone around me appreciates. Speaking of which...

boy texted me today. he's been really sweet too, and I can tell he wants to see me soon, he just hasn't outright asked yet. probably because i haven't talked to him all week :( oops. but I'm 90% sure he'll ask to see me sometime this weekend, if not today. and i'm pretty sure i'll say yes. It's been two weeks since we've seen each other and i miss him, and since he's been texting me the way he has, I'm assuming he misses me too.

ok
so far today:
vitamins- 15 cal
half a fruit cup- 35 cal
kit kat mini bar- 52 cal

i know...candy??? but my roommate got a care package with a whole bunch of it and she knows i like kit kats so she gave them all to me and since i just sat there she was like "uh why aren't you eating any?" and i was like "i'm jus going to save them for later" and she looked at me like i was crazy and said "there's like 12..you can eat one now" so i laughed and i did... but not too much damage at least. i can still eat 198 calories today. i'll update you at the end of the night on how that goes. so far i have yet to go over my limits ever :) very proud of myself.

so tonight :)
my roommates and i are going to see my friend's band play at this bar a town over. I'm pretty freaking excited. they're REALLY good. I just know they're going to get famous pretty soon, so we try to go to as many shows as we can. I'm thinking we might make it back from that at one or so in the morning, and then maybe boy will come over? haha we'll see. don't get too excited yet.

messed up

So lately I've had some people online tell me things like "this is so messed up. why would you want to do this?" etc... all I have to say is
really?
really?
omg I had NO idea i was messed up! Thanks so much for opening my eyes!
seriously?

of course I know it's messed up, I know I'm messed up. but I didn't choose to be this way, and I can't choose to stop it. All i can do is tolerate it and try everything i can to be happy even if it means doing things that others don't approve of. People act like they're being all insightful when they claim that it's "kind of like an addiction". actually, it's exactly like an addiction, because it is one.

argh.

anyway i guess what brought this post on is that it's getting even harder to deal with. I ate 150 calories total today (I had a 120 cal soup after the last post) and it wasn't even like I was denying myself food. I had to force myself to even eat the soup, and I felt so full and gross after from eating. But that's not the worst. The worst is that I'm pushing my friends away and I know it, but I'm terrified of them making me eat, and I'm terrified of them finding out. I just feel safer when I'm alone. but it's so hard to not have have anyone in real life that knows what you're going through. I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of the secrets. I'm tired of the fact that ana is my number one priority and school, friends, family, swim, and boy will always take a backseat.

speaking of boy, I want to see him this weekend i think. I've been too focused on myself this week and we haven't talked since Sunday, but I do miss him. If we don't see each other this weekend (it is kind of packed full and i'm doubting we'll be able to) then I definitely need to see him next week. It's been too long. I don't want him to forget about me, and I won't let myself forget about him.

patience: what I lack

I'm feeling discouraged, and I know I shouldn't be. I mean, I've lost about 4 pounds since Monday I believe. but the little black numbers on my scale didn't drop today, in fact, they went up two-tenths of a pound to 136. granted, at least it's not a huge gain, but i didn't do anything to deserve a gain at all. I was so good yesterday! plus swim practice was definitely the hardest one yet. only thing I can guess is maybe I accidentally gained some muscle at practice, we did do tons of conditioning. ugh. I'm skipping practice today though. My body is sore all over from yesterday and i know i'd be pretty worthless and in pain. I'll do an extra weekend practice. I'm staying on track though, only 30 calories consumed so far today: 15 for vitamins and 15 for a few veggies and a bit of salsa.
If the scale doesn't show any progress tomorrow, I don't know what I'm going to do. I need this. I need confirmation.
It doesn't help that my emotions are so intense right now from exhaustion. I mentioned that practice was so hard, but i also pulled an all-nighter to write two papers. They turned out well, and it was necessary, but lack of food + lack of sleep = worse than PMS.
ok i guess i'm going to try to nap some now. I'm so tired, and I feel sick to my stomach. on the plus side, when you're sleeping, you're not eating :)

ana survey

found this online, and i'm bored so here goes

ana/mia survey


Favorite Diet Food: salsa and raw veggies (celery, baby carrots, sugar snap peas)
Favorite Binge Food: mac and cheese, chocolate or ice cream
Favorite Exercise: swimming, wall sits

Favorite Thinspo? watching ANTM
Where Do You Slip Up? when i'm around friends that are watching to make sure i eat
When Did It Start? 10th grade, but i "recovered" for two years

Does Anyone Know?
yes but no one that i know in real life, just my online supporters

Do You Want Help? no

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? been doing 300, might have to up to 500 a few days a week just to avoid suspicion

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
huge thighs, huge butt, stomach pooch, arm flab

Are You In A Relationship?
non exclusive but yes

Are You Depressed?
no

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
No

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
haha yeah, and a psychiatrist

I AM -
[X] anorexic
[] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[] thirsty
[X] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[] participating in a fast


PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[X] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic


I WISH -
[X] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[X] I was under 110lbs
[X] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[X] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[x] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[X] I wish my hair was a different color.
[X] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[X] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.(and contacts)
[X] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[] I have more than 2 piercings.
[] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[] I have freckles.

BAD TIMES
[X] I've consumed alcohol.
[X] I regularly drink.
[] I can't swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[X] My weight holds me back
[X] Weight consumes me.
[x] I'm at my thinnest
[] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[X] My weight affects my mood
[X] I weigh myself daily

[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[] I've taken diet pills
[]I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged

[x ] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[x] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion

I've done:
[] Weed
[] Cigarettes
[X] Alcohol
[] Diet pills
[] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other

[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[] I collect thinspo 

:)

weighed in this morning: 135.8 lbs!!!!
that means I'm almost halfway to my thanksgiving goal of 130 after just 2 or 3 days, incredible!
I am absolutely ecstatic right now!!!
and it was warm today so i wore khaki shorts (size 6) and they are falling down around my hips :)
i'm sure my jeans will still be tight since it's a different material, but still! maybe I'll be a size 4 by thanksgiving? :0 that would be amazing!
ok i have to keep this up so down to business...
today so far i've eaten my vitamins (15 cal), raw veggies (15 cal), salsa (20 cal), and 2 slices of turkey lunchmeat (30 cal). so 80 calories total, plus i'm completely stuffed, and i got protein! so i probably won't even feel the desire to eat again for a long time.
small problem: roommate just absolutely begged me to go to the bakery with her today. I got out of going to lunch with her by telling her i'd already eaten today (true!) but then i tried to get out of dinner by using my swim practice excuse (it's always worked before...) but she actually was so determined that she was like no...we can go before or after practice, i don't care, i want to go with you. which is sweet and all, but frustrating. so that's going to be tough. but i have 220 calories left for today so i just won't eat anything else until then and maybe i can get away with only eating half of something and i'll definitely get something healthy, i'm thinking maybe the spinach and tomato pita pizza? i'll try to look up the nutritional info for all the ingredients in it since they don't have it listed. and then i'll get an apple as my side.  actually just calculated it and as long as i eat 3/4 of it and order it cooked without the oil, i can eat the whole apple and still be about 15 cals under my limit. perfect!
plus swim practice again tonight! it feels so good to be back, i knew i missed it but i didn't realize just how much. it was definitely a challenge, but i did better than i expected yesterday, and i'm in love with that feeling after practice where absolutely every single muscle is tired. I'm looking forward to another great practice :)
i can't get over it... 135.8, it's actually not a weight that i'm embarrassed to be for once :) and it's less than ten pounds over my roommate's weight, who is super skinny. so i feel like i must be getting close to being skinny :) :) :)

re-inspired

found an ana buddy :) it's already helping, i think i was starting to lose focus, the exhaustion was messing with my goals. but i'm re-inspired and ready to keep going with this.
today I did really well. I ate my vitamins (15 cal), half a single-serving bag of mini pretzels (25 cal), some fresh carrots and celery (aren't they negative calorie foods?), soup (100 cal), and 8 wheat thins (70 cal).
total calories in: 210
burned: 500 from swim practice (website says 621, but i think they have a tendency to overestimate)
i bought a scale of my own today :)
but i'm pretty nervous about weighing myself in the morning, it should definitely be good news, but what on earth am i going to do if it's not?? agh, gotta stay strong.
ok, getting some sleep now, i think i can keep this up as long as i'm well-rested. it's the exhaustion mixed with the dizziness and light-headedness that is wearing me out.

so. tired.

just got back from class this morning. 2 and a half hours of sleep last night. that plus my semi-fast and i'm feeling exceptionally tired. I'm going to take a nap before my next class as soon as i finish this post.
I've stayed on track, I didn't eat anything else last night, and I haven't eaten yet today. I'm still feeling fat though, probably because i'm wearing size 5 skinny jeans, and my tummy sticks out just a teeny bit in them :( guess I should stick to the sixes for now. oh well. however, my ribcage is protruding more and more every day, it's getting a little extreme (which i so wouldn't expect yet at my weight), I almost just want to yell "take it from my thighs already!!!" but that will come. and for now, there's nothing more motivating than to pull my shirt up in the mirror and just look at and feel my ribs. sorry if that's weird. haha idk.

shrimp is a godsend

so just got back from the steakhouse, kept the whole meal to around 257 calories by my calculations. I think i only managed it by ordering the grilled shrimp as my entree. seriously it's always the lowest calorie item on the menu :) then with spinach and green beans as my sides i was able to eat most of my meal so it didn't look suspicious, and still stay in my limit. perfect. only problem was i was literally shaking the whole meal. i was/am freezing cold, took my temperature when i got back to my dorm and it's a full degree lower than it should be. weird.

ana has officially taken over my life. mostly my perfectionist tendencies were used when it came to schoolwork, I've always been a great student, but I have two papers due tomorrow morning and I haven't started either of them, and here I am blogging. it's like all i can do is exercise, drink water, plan out how not to eat, and lie in bed reading other pro-ana blogs for inspiration/understanding. it's like it's all that matters to me anymore. which kind of freaks me out, but i still can't make myself do my schoolwork. it's like my priorities are all wacked out. if i have an exam in a couple of hours that i need to study for, but i haven't worked out yet, it's not even a choice, i HAVE to go work out. if my grades are lower this second half of the semester, I honestly will not be surprised. I hope i can keep them up though :(

had two of my first grey-outs recently. they're a nice reminder of how well i'm doing, but i need to make sure i don't actually pass out, or if i do, no one sees it. i wish the scale would start reflecting my hard work though, oh well, it will come.

disappointed

ok so I got on the scale at the gym after class this morning, right before my workout and it said i was 140 :( not acceptable, any number starting with 14 is definitely no longer acceptable. I'm hoping the pound and a half that i apparently gained while sleeping overnight is actually just partially water weight (I did have to drink water to get through my class without being hungry) and also i'm sure there's a discrepancy between the two scales i used. still though, the fact is this number means more because it's the scale i use more often so until i get a scale of my very own, this will be the number i go by, so i must accept it. 140 lbs. damn that's hard to accept. I had a great workout though: 7 miles and 729 calories burned. and i successfully skipped lunch with my friend. no calorie intake at all so far today except 19 calories. I took my vitamins (15 goddamn calories for fucking multivitamins...really??? but i'm sure i need them) and then i chewed a piece of gum in my second class of the day (4 cals). other than that, nothing but water. so today should definitely be a deficit day, even taking the steakhouse into consideration. plus i have an edit to the plan for that. one of my friends can't go and she is obsessed with their cheesecake, so for my dessert i'll just "be nice" and order a slice of cheesecake in a to go box and take it to her! since we're only allotted one dessert, no one will wonder why i'm not eating it! much better than my take a few bites of gelato and wait for the rest to melt plan, it's a total of 400 cals so even just eating one fourth of it which is the least i could possibly eat without people noticing, and i'd probably actually have to eat half, would be between 100-200 calories. ugh. no way. I'm thinking 300 calories is definitely achievable for tonight. hopefully less, but it'll be really tricky because i know i have to eat a significant amount of my entree or people will get suspicious. it is a really nice restaurant after all, claiming that i don't like the food will not work as well here. oh well. 319 total calories still leaves a deficit of over 400, plus the calories my body naturally burns during the day. i'm thinking i should be at least half a pound lighter tomorrow? please please please, i know it still won't be good, but at least i wouldn't be in the 140's anymore.

thank you

oh ana, this morning i woke up and for the first time my stomach is almost completely flat, my ribcage and hip bones definitely stick out waaay more. it's an incredible feeling. I'm practically floating on air right now, I wonder how much I weigh. I really need to buy a scale at walmart next time we go so I can stop relying on the one in the gym on campus, or going over to my friend's place to use hers. I'm excited though. I'll head to the gym after class this morning, get a workout in and see the numbers :)
hoping to get out of lunch with my friend today just by being too busy, i'll have to go eventually, like next week and all, but the steakhouse and lunch with my friend in one day? too much for me to handle/fake. I'm hoping to fast until dinner tonight, so that  way the 200-300 cals i do consume will be it for the day, and then my workout will definitely cancel those out :) today shouldn't be a gain day after all!

sabotaged

i ate a chocolate chip cookie. fuck. i did so well all day and then my friend's mom made chocolate chip cookies for him to bring to all of us and my roommates each ate one and i was expected to as well. I picked the smallest one I could find, but according to google it's probably around 138 calories, I'm rounding up to 150 to be safe. fuck fuck fuck. that means at least an extra mile and a half at the gym tomorrow :(
I couldn't even enjoy the damn thing because i didn't want it, i just couldn't not eat it when my friends were all watching.
on another note, I'm freezing. like freezing freezing. everyone's worried, like even my hands are ice cold. I read that ana can make you intolerant to cold, but really? it's 72 degrees in the apartment, my body feels like it's about 30 degrees. this is insanity.

progress

phew.
weighed in 2 minutes ago.
138.4 lb
not ideal, but definitely progress.
that means i weigh a pound less than when i left for fall break, which is impressive considering how much i had to eat around my parents and friends.
and then if you assume that my parents' scale was correct, then i lost about 6 pounds in 2 or 3 days, after gaining about 5 pounds there, so either way, I did well.
I stuck to my semi-fast today, which i think is what saved me.
I had a piece of 45 calorie wheat toast this morning with half a tablespoon of peanut butter (about 100 cal total), then lots of water for breakfast.
for lunch i had a starbucks skinny latte (130 cal).
and for dinner I'm currently having more water and a few pieces of celery (0 cal).
not bad at all. and the best part is it feels good. I'm not even hungry, to be honest the celery is kind of making me nauseous from being too full. weird. I mentioned earlier about how hard tomorrow is going to be though, so we'll see how that goes... my goal right now is to just maintain my weight for when i weigh in on wednesday. I feel like tomorrow might be a gain day, but then i'm giving myself tuesday to fast before i get back on the scale.
this feels great. really and truly. i spent most of my time in the airport reading pro-ana blogs by some other girls, I found some of them really inspirational, and it feels incredible to be understood. after i finish this post i'm going to look at some more thinspo to help me with tomorrow :)
today I've noticed i'm the skinniest i think i've ever been. i mean, i still hate my stomach pooch and my thighs are awful, but my ribcage juts out quite a bit. I found myself running my hands over it every few minutes today, it's just a reminder of how well i'm doing, and how great it feels.
my goal is to be 130 lb by the time we leave for thanksgiving break (unfortunately i'm sure i'll probably gain a few back during the holiday though. damn thanksgiving anyway. seriously, a holiday that we've dedicated to eating??? it's like a nightmare, and you know everyone will notice if i don't eat, or barely eat.). so that's in about a month, 4 weeks. which lets me set a goal of two pounds of weight loss a week. should be easy enough, and that's supposed to be a healthy amount too. bonus! maybe 120 lb by end of term??? we'll see. i need to know how this part will go first, and actually, i need to see how i look at 130, i'm already at my skinniest, and if i freak anyone out by losing so much weight so quickly, i'll probably have to go back to therapy and all and i definitely don't want that. so i need to be able to still look like myself. 130 should be safe. for now. I'm getting excited already :)
it's like a challenge.
I have a secret.
do you think i can keep it? ;)

off day

didn't do so well today, and i'm feeling it.
I just feel....heavy...and fat...and disappointed.
but the good news is i'm going back to school tomorrow.
today was my last day at home so it should be easier to eat how i want to from now on.
it's not even that i ate that much though really, because i didn't.
it's that I didn't get a chance to go to the gym to work it off.
and I won't be able to tomorrow either (I'll be on planes and in airports all day).
but on monday i am definitely getting back to it. no matter what. and actually, i'm hoping to do a pool workout depending on how i'm feeling. I've been rehabbing a shoulder injury but my goal was to start practicing with the team again after fall break, and since i've been out for about a month, i kind of want one day to try it out myself before i get in with the whole team for practice on tuesday. it's definitely going to be hard. but the great thing about swim practice is that i can completely skip dinner without anyone noticing, so i will definitely be taking advantage of having that back in my life. A few of my friends have been concerned with my weight loss lately so they've been on my back about making sure i'm still eating. so i still eat, but only when i have meals with them, and i try to eat as normally as possible when i'm with them. it's definitely helped ease their minds, but i do have to be careful. one of my friends is a former ana so she totally knows how it works. oh well. monday is going to be hard because i can skip breakfast, but i have a standing lunch date with my best friend every monday and so i have to eat then, and then i got invited to the steakhouse for dinner so it's going to be hard to eat as little as possible without anyone noticing. my plan is to get a house salad with a vinaigrette (very little calories) that way i can eat the whole thing, and then eat part of my entree but kind of move it around so it looks like i ate more, then claim i'm full and get the rest in a to go box that i can throw away later, and then since everyone will get dessert, i'll get gelato for mine so that i can eat only a few bites until it melts so it looks like i ate more. I figure doing all that i can keep my calorie intake at dinner to 200-300 calories, which really isn't so bad. pair that with a calorie intake at lunch of about the same, and as long as i work out as usual, i should burn it all off. success. I feel so much better just having a plan for it.

ugh. I am so exhausted right now. like really and truly worn out. I have a few papers to write as well and i have no idea when i actually will get around to them. this break was just too busy. it was definitely good to come home and see friends and family, but i can't wait to be back on campus, i feel like that's really my home. plus i've really missed a certain someone and i should be able to see him tomorrow since we'll both be getting back. only i kind of don't want him to see me like this. i mean, i feel fatter than normal and my face broke out over break. I'm planning on mostly fasting tomorrow so at least i won't look as fat as i do now, but there's not a whole lot i can do about my face in a day, although trust me, i'm trying. oh well. we might both be too busy to see each other anyway. or maybe over break he decided he's not really into me anymore. i know i'm being crazy, but come on, it is a possibility. what if he doesn't miss me like i miss him? oh well. i guess i'll find out.

magic number 6

So I went shopping today to buy some new jeans. I just bought new jeans 2 weeks ago but they were already too big. to my considerable delight i am now...
wait for it...
a comfortable size 6.
might still seem fat to alot of you, and trust me I'm not ecstatic about my pudgy bits, but still...
I used to be a 6 my freshman year in high school.
I'm definitely moving in the right direction.
and the most important part for me is that I'm REALLY a 6. I've had so many friends that say they're whatever size they can barely button and zip up. but because they can barely get into them, they have this huge muffin top/belly pudge thing going on. ugh. that's the worst.
no muffin top for me.
just a true size 6 :)

only bad part of the day was my mom took me aside to talk to me about how she was afraid i might have an eating disorder, and she's worried about me since i go to school so far away from home

weight: ? didn't weigh in today, I'm assuming pretty much the same as yesterday, maybe a bit less
calories eaten: 661
calories burned: 470 (4.3 miles on the cross trainer thing)

what makes something a sin anyway?

So I know we use the word sin all the time now, but didn't it used to only be associated with religion?
maybe then what I'm doing isn't a sin.
I mean, I'm sinning for sure, we all do, but maybe what this blog is all about isn't typically sinful.
idk.
either way it needs to be confessed.

I don't eat like normal people do.
I don't think about food like normal people do.
Maybe I just don't think like normal people do.

I'm not anorexic. Or bulimic.
not anymore anyway.

I went through a period of each in high school (I'm a freshman in college now), but I've been "clean"? for about 2 years now. sorry, I don't know what term to use, i wasn't addicted to drugs or anything. but typically they use the term recovered, and honestly, you never recover from that mindset, or at least I never did.

so now I'm just...i don't know. obsessive I suppose. It's not a CR diet, they usually make you eat like 1,200 calories or more on those, and i just can't eat that much and still feel good about myself. not that I ever really feel good about myself, but you know, not hate myself at least.

ugh. don't want to get into that more for now. maybe later.
basically I'm using this to keep track of my calorie intake, my weight, and my many feelings and emotions, and possibly amusing or interesting stories.

keep in mind i'm an athlete (swimmer), so I'm pretty muscular, and I do want to maintain that muscle mass. oh and I'm 5'4" and 18 years old.
the first breakdown: Day 1 (of my record, it's not a diet)
weight: scale says 144 but i'm at my parents' house and either i gained a ton of weight in the few days i've been here, or the scale is alot different from the one i use back at school, we'll see when i return in a few days. i'm hoping the scale is wacked out.
calories eaten: 700
calories burned: 610 on the elliptical (5.7 miles)

confess my sins?

I'm not Catholic.
I've never actually been to confession.
I've heard it's supposed to be cathartic, or something like that anyway.
but I don't even know where the nearest Catholic church is, or if they're open all night, or when you're allowed to go in (I know you don't need a reservation, but seriously, there must be some guidelines).
Plus, like I said, I'm not Catholic, so is it wrong to just use a part of their religion like that? I mean would that be like an extra sin I would need to confess?
Too many questions.
So I figured I'd let this blog be my own little confessional.
It's private in that no one will know who I am so I can speak candidly, but it's on a public forum, so anyone can view it.
Maybe there are other people out there just like me. Maybe not.
but maybe, this will be cathartic, or something like that anyway.