off day

didn't do so well today, and i'm feeling it.
I just feel....heavy...and fat...and disappointed.
but the good news is i'm going back to school tomorrow.
today was my last day at home so it should be easier to eat how i want to from now on.
it's not even that i ate that much though really, because i didn't.
it's that I didn't get a chance to go to the gym to work it off.
and I won't be able to tomorrow either (I'll be on planes and in airports all day).
but on monday i am definitely getting back to it. no matter what. and actually, i'm hoping to do a pool workout depending on how i'm feeling. I've been rehabbing a shoulder injury but my goal was to start practicing with the team again after fall break, and since i've been out for about a month, i kind of want one day to try it out myself before i get in with the whole team for practice on tuesday. it's definitely going to be hard. but the great thing about swim practice is that i can completely skip dinner without anyone noticing, so i will definitely be taking advantage of having that back in my life. A few of my friends have been concerned with my weight loss lately so they've been on my back about making sure i'm still eating. so i still eat, but only when i have meals with them, and i try to eat as normally as possible when i'm with them. it's definitely helped ease their minds, but i do have to be careful. one of my friends is a former ana so she totally knows how it works. oh well. monday is going to be hard because i can skip breakfast, but i have a standing lunch date with my best friend every monday and so i have to eat then, and then i got invited to the steakhouse for dinner so it's going to be hard to eat as little as possible without anyone noticing. my plan is to get a house salad with a vinaigrette (very little calories) that way i can eat the whole thing, and then eat part of my entree but kind of move it around so it looks like i ate more, then claim i'm full and get the rest in a to go box that i can throw away later, and then since everyone will get dessert, i'll get gelato for mine so that i can eat only a few bites until it melts so it looks like i ate more. I figure doing all that i can keep my calorie intake at dinner to 200-300 calories, which really isn't so bad. pair that with a calorie intake at lunch of about the same, and as long as i work out as usual, i should burn it all off. success. I feel so much better just having a plan for it.

ugh. I am so exhausted right now. like really and truly worn out. I have a few papers to write as well and i have no idea when i actually will get around to them. this break was just too busy. it was definitely good to come home and see friends and family, but i can't wait to be back on campus, i feel like that's really my home. plus i've really missed a certain someone and i should be able to see him tomorrow since we'll both be getting back. only i kind of don't want him to see me like this. i mean, i feel fatter than normal and my face broke out over break. I'm planning on mostly fasting tomorrow so at least i won't look as fat as i do now, but there's not a whole lot i can do about my face in a day, although trust me, i'm trying. oh well. we might both be too busy to see each other anyway. or maybe over break he decided he's not really into me anymore. i know i'm being crazy, but come on, it is a possibility. what if he doesn't miss me like i miss him? oh well. i guess i'll find out.