so straight to the point today: weighed in at 133 this morning. that's great. I should be ecstatic. but I'm not. why? I have no idea. My mind's just all over the place. I know I'm getting less and less fat which is great, but it's getting harder and harder to keep lying to people. especially as I'm continuing to get skinnier.
Plus..what with the whole start to a what-are-we-relationship-wise convo last night with the boy, I'm feeling really confused. I like him alot. alot alot. but I'm kind of terrified that if I become his girlfriend that he'll notice when I don't eat, that he'll notice me getting skinnier and skinnier, that he'll notice how completely messed up I am and not want to be with me anymore. I mean, who would? I wouldn't blame him. I have a hell of alot of baggage and I'm more than aware of that. I actually feel like it's selfish of me to even encourage the idea of a relationship because I honestly don't want to do that to him; I don't want to put him through any pain. He's truly a good guy and he doesn't deserve that. but what if I'm permanently messed up? What if I will never deserve to be loved?
cue the downward spiral
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