messed up

So lately I've had some people online tell me things like "this is so messed up. why would you want to do this?" etc... all I have to say is
really?
really?
omg I had NO idea i was messed up! Thanks so much for opening my eyes!
seriously?

of course I know it's messed up, I know I'm messed up. but I didn't choose to be this way, and I can't choose to stop it. All i can do is tolerate it and try everything i can to be happy even if it means doing things that others don't approve of. People act like they're being all insightful when they claim that it's "kind of like an addiction". actually, it's exactly like an addiction, because it is one.

argh.

anyway i guess what brought this post on is that it's getting even harder to deal with. I ate 150 calories total today (I had a 120 cal soup after the last post) and it wasn't even like I was denying myself food. I had to force myself to even eat the soup, and I felt so full and gross after from eating. But that's not the worst. The worst is that I'm pushing my friends away and I know it, but I'm terrified of them making me eat, and I'm terrified of them finding out. I just feel safer when I'm alone. but it's so hard to not have have anyone in real life that knows what you're going through. I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of the secrets. I'm tired of the fact that ana is my number one priority and school, friends, family, swim, and boy will always take a backseat.

speaking of boy, I want to see him this weekend i think. I've been too focused on myself this week and we haven't talked since Sunday, but I do miss him. If we don't see each other this weekend (it is kind of packed full and i'm doubting we'll be able to) then I definitely need to see him next week. It's been too long. I don't want him to forget about me, and I won't let myself forget about him.