a little less hate

so i weighed in this morning at 129.2

not good. but better at least than yesterday afternoon. 3 pounds better actually. at least i'm back in the 120's, if only barely. the voices in my head have quieted down just a little, there's a little less anger, a little less hate and abuse. If only you could have heard them over thanksgiving break. almost constantly something like this

"you really just ate that? god, you're so fat, you're just going to be that way forever"

"you had to eat it, you don't want your parents to send you back to therapy do you? calm down, you're not fat. you're wearing size two jeans. it's impossible that you're fat"

"they must not be REAL size twos because you're freaking huge, just look at those thighs and that stomach, you look like a whale"

"you're skinny. everyone says you're skinny. just try to be normal just for a few days. normal people eat. don't cry. god please don't cry. it's ok to eat. you have to eat."

"eww i can already see that food forming fat all over you, how much bigger can you get?"

"calm down. breathe. you can lose the weight again when you're back at school. be normal. be normal. be normal."

and now i know that made me sound like a crazy person. maybe i am. idk. all i know is it's hell to fight with yourself like that and the only time it gets better is when i starve myself. Since i've been fasting the voices don't go away, they still tell me how fat i am, but they're not yelling at me for eating, because i'm not eating. at least i'm not doing anything to make myself fatter. 

so if i stay on track, hopefully i can lose at least a pound a day for the rest of my fast. which should put me back to my previous weight of 124 by saturday morning. i'm currently 39 hours into my fast, and feeling better than i have in about a week, so i shouldn't have much trouble sticking to it. the only issue might be keeping people from noticing, but i'll figure something out. I'm going to keep up with my ab, leg, and arm exercises that i do in my room too. losing weight is great, but i love feeling how firm my muscles are. and the more i lose weight AND do my exercises, the more fat melts off and all that's left is my muscles and bones. which is pretty much how i was before i left for break. sigh. oh well, only 5 pounds till i'm back there again. i'm going to try to make it to swim practices this week. i have alot of homework, but maybe i can make time for practice. i need to. plus, lots of burned calories. 

once i hit 124 again, the goal is 5 more pounds to lose before i go home for christmas break on the 16th. I'd be 119. I want to be under 120 so desperately. I'm not sure i can get there that fast though, so we'll see. it's good to have a goal. 

I need to focus on this 5 pounds first though. that's the important part. get back to where i was. 124. how could i let that slip away?

back from hell

so i just got back to college after 4 days at my relatives' house. sorry i didn't post for so long, i didn't have access to a computer with internet and my phone wasn't letting me post for some reason...oh well. 

so this is going to be short because it really depresses me.

upon seeing me, my father straight up asked me if i was starving. i said no. nevertheless, for the entire time there he treated me like i was a child and made my plates at meals and watched me eat it. not only was it maddening that he would treat me like that..but it was also fattening and it made me feel so sick even as i was eating it. plus he made me have dessert every night. ugh. i feel like a whale. the really sad part is i counted calories the whole time and i still didn't go over the amount that doctors recommend for me...yet i managed to gain...

a whopping 8 pounds over break. 

not kidding. 

i was 124 when i left and now i'm 132. and it fucking sucks. 

I'm fasting for 6 days at least. maybe more depending on the circumstances. maybe i'll just fast until i'm back to 124. but this isn't a punishment, because i didn't do anything wrong. i didn't binge or anything. i did my best, it's just i had to get my parents off my case. but now i feel disgusting and huge. so really this is more like a reward. i'm allowing myself to not eat at all for as long as it takes. normally i make myself eat at least a little. but i'm making an exception. i'm desperate for my body to feel the way it did when i left. empty and concave. i need my old body back. i need myself back. 

so this week: no food. and honestly i'm feeling so awful that i probably won't even hang out with friends. i have alot of work to do anyway. so nothing but starving, working out, homework, and sleeping for me. messed up as it is, i'm looking forward to this 

I need to be okay again.

Week of binges

So I'm in Texas with my extended family. I flew in about middnight kast night so I've been here over 24 hours now. I am currently typing this on my phone because I don't have access to a computer here... So yesterday at school and the airport and all I did well. Breakfast: half a fiber one bar, 70 cal, a few bites of a muffin, 30 cal lunch: coffee and two hershey's kisses, 30 cal dinner at the airport: one fourth of a salad that I took the dressing and crispy strips out of. So basically a few bites of grilled chicken lettuce and cabbage, 70 cal or less. Total: 200 cal or less today however, I did not do so well. It's because I'm with my family and I'm forced to eat. It's not even like I'm just tempted by food, because I'm actually not. It's that they watch to make sure I eat what's expected of me, which is alot apparently. Breakfast: nothing (slept through it), 0 cal lunch: slice of pizza, 370 cal dinner: half a baked potato, 100 cal, pat of butter, 37 cal, shredded cheese, 100 cal, half a small piece of birthday cake, 150 cal, small scoop of vanilla ice cream, 180 cal total:936 cals it was my uncle's birthday so the cake and ice cream was unavoidable. All the food was. I'm basically just trying to eat as little of everything as possible. It's annoying because I feel like I'm bingeing and it's not my fault. I'm going to be here for three whole more days and then part of Sunday. Over four days of forced binges. I'm going to be huge. There's not even a scale here for me to see how badly I'm doing. Ugh. It's like after just 24 hours I can feel the fat all over me. I'm disgusting. My stomach is no longer firm and empty. I'm full and huge and jiggly and disgusting. And did you know that any intake under 1000 is considered anorexic??? Ha. I ate an anorexic amount and j feel like a pig. Anything over 500 feels like a binge to me, and most of the time I refuse to go over 300. I would prefer to not eat anything at all ever but that's not exactly realistic. I almost had a panic attack earlier. It was before I had to eat the pizza. It was in the oven and my mind just kept freaking out about how they were going to make me eat all that greasy fat. I nearly cried. It got kind of hard to breathe. I had to pull myself together. And they gave me a slice ( thank god just one!) and watched me eat it. My father flat out asked me later today if I got skinnier from starving. I was pretty shocked. Of course I said no and that swim practice has just been intense, but to be honest, I'm surprised daddy dearest even noticed. He's never really cared before...oh well. It sucks because now I know for sure that people are watching me eat, and I can't get away with alot of the tricks I use with my friends. Damn. This is really really hard. Like this is one of the worst weeks of my life. I don't think anyone without an Ed could possibly understand just how painful this is. My plan is to suffer through the week doing as many crunches as I possibly can since that's really the only form of exercise I can do secretly around here, check out the damage on the scale when I get back to school, and then fast until I'm back to where I was: 124.7 and then back to my normal habits of 0-300 cal a day.

my days blur together

sorry, i know i've been posting alot, and i know my last post was titled "end of the day" but the truth is i can't really sleep ever, so the end of the day is just whatever time i think normal people would be in bed. so then i post at the "end of the day" but then something else happens and i have more to post later haha. haven't slept since about 6 hours on saturday night. this truly is craziness. i hope i can sleep on the airplane tonight. that would be perfect. 

anyway, the point of this post. weighed in a few minutes ago and i'm 125 exactly! that means i'm back to my low weight, and have reached my first goal weight :) so proud of myself because i definitely wasn't expecting to see that number. however, some concerns come with this...the first one being that i've lost 15 pounds in about a month, which is great and all, but the last time i saw my mom was a month ago...and 15 pounds is usually pretty visible weight loss, especially to someone who's already concerned about my weight like she was. I remember she was watching me eat all break and then at the end she actually admitted to being relieved that i was eating normally and said she'd been watching me and just didn't want me to slip back into my ed. she didn't know i was already slipping. i didn't tell her. now it's going to be even harder to act this break because i've fallen even further into it. oh well. all i can do is try my best. but still, 125, i'm proud of myself. i mean, it's still too high, but i don't feel like it's too high for normal people. like i feel like on anyone else i would think that's skinny. it's just not good enough for me. but the point is that i'm doing really well. 

I got upset a few hours ago though. i was so frustrated with myself for being messed up. had something to do with this like weird emotional spell i had last night about my ed and i was so so upset but i couldn't cry. i just can't cry anymore. tears don't come. so i had this really weird desire to like..mark my suffering into myself so i wouldn't forget. idk. i don't fully understand. all i know is that i never ever ever imagined that i would ever cut myself. i hate blood passionately, and i had a really bad experience with an ex a while back that was a cutter, it was just never something i understood. i still don't understand. but now i have a red scar across my left hip. and i'm scared and ashamed of myself, but i kind of like it being there. the waistband of my jeans digs into my hipbone right where the scar is so it's like a constant reminder of what i'm doing. not that i ever really needed to be reminded...haha

the boy came over again tonight :) sometimes i think he's the only thing keeping me sane. sometimes i feel like i'm acting with him, but some moments, i just feel so alive, and i only ever feel that when i'm with him. I'm seeing him again in about 4 hours, after my morning class. but then we have to say goodbye because i'm leaving for thanksgiving break at 5 tonight. we'll be apart for less than a week, but for some reason it feels like alot longer. maybe because we'll be so far away from each other. haha. this omg i'm going to miss him post sounds pathetic, but my point was i'm so thankful for the way that he makes me feel. it's like i get to be human again for awhile.

I wish i could crawl in people's heads and see myself as they see me. i wonder how i look...?

end of the day

so after those apple slices this morning (35 cal) all i could choke down was about half of a salad with no dressing (40 cal) at lunch...so 75 cals for the day. I mean, it's good that i didn't accidentally fast again today and i made myself eat, but i just feel disappointed in myself that i couldn't even reach 100 cals in a day. oh well...i'm going to try to eat again tomorrow. i seriously don't know what i'm going to do over break if i can't eat enough to convince my family that i'm fine. i need to get my shit together and fast. this kind of behavior is definitely going to be noticeable...and i CANNOT go back to therapy. ugh. plus what if they pulled me out of uni? i could not handle that, i really do love it here. i would just die if i had to move back home. so tomorrow's another attempt at normalcy. and then the show begins...wish me luck. or i guess "break a leg" since i need to be an actress...

food makes me feel sick :(

so weighed in at 126 even this morning. that's almost another pound down. just one more till i'm at my low weight of 125. but i mean..probably not going to get there for awhile, since i'm almost definitely going to gain over thanksgiving, and then it'll take some time to lose that weight back. but i will get there. i have to. 

so that accidental fast added up to over 60 hours of no food...i kinda feel guilty for it. like i'm out of control or something. it's different when i plan fasts, then i feel good about reaching the goal, but i just feel oddly...helpless. made myself eat about an hour ago. just like i promised i would. had a package of those apple slices from subway (35 cal). now i feel nauseous. it sucks. but i know i needed it. and i'm going to force more food down my throat later today too. maybe a salad and another apple or something. mentally i really really don't want to eat, but my body really has been freaking out a little bit, so i need to take care of myself. plus if i'm getting sick over like an apple then i really need to get my body used to food again or thanksgiving is going to be even worse than i imagined. idk. all i can do is try my best. i don't want to throw up, so i have to be careful not to push myself too hard.

this is a long one

sorry this is going to be a really long post. I just have so much to say. I'm going to break it up into sections though so if you're only interested in parts of it, feel free to skip around.

Intake:

yesterday:

part of a small single scoop of ice cream at ben & jerry's - 200 cal

raw veggie salad (no dressing) with lettuce carrots and cucumbers- 20 cal?

total: 220

today: 

nothing- 0 cal

Explanations for food intake:

so yesterday my roommates made me go to get ice cream with them. I didn't eat at all before i went, and i ordered a small single scoop, but of a regular flavor (i would never hear the end of it if i ordered sorbet or low fat, but if people don't judge you, that really is the best option) and i only ate part of it. I ate it SO slowly, so i did allow myself to enjoy the flavor, but i just kept thinking calories calories calories ugh. then i was only like halfway through when my stomach got upset so i threw the rest away. i'm rounding up on calories because i couldn't actually measure the serving size accurately. then i went to the dining hall with friends for dinner and put mashed potatoes, chicken, pasta, and a salad made only of raw veggies on my plate. (i wanted it to look like i was eating normally). then i just ate a few bites of the raw veggies and kind of covered everything else up. my friend did ask me suspiciously if i had eaten anything, but she dropped it when i assured her i had. 

today wasn't intended to be a fast day, i just kind of don't feel like eating, and no one's made me. so there you go. they all think i'm studying at the moment (i really should be) and that i'll grab something for dinner when i'm done. then if they ask me later i'll say i already did. perfect situation. 

weight:

weighed in at 126.8 this morning!!!! i'm very excited, now i just need to maintain that till thanksgiving and through thanksgiving...then come back ready to keep losing. i'm less than 2 pounds away from my low weight, which is also my current goal weight. 

summary of my day(s) and thoughts/feelings/emotions:

honestly? too exhausted for full thoughts at this point. I'll try to elaborate on some thoughts later if they're relevant.

shopping at the mall today. i'm now a size 4 in most of their jeans, and a size 2 in the boyfriend jeans. um hell yes. my roommate who is my walking thinspo is a 0/2 so with me at a 2/4 i'm so close. i'll definitely be there at 110, which is my final goal weight at the moment.

spent the night with the boy last night. this is the first time one of us has ever actually slept over, we normally end up leaving at like 3 in the morning. but i spent the night in his dorm and didn't end up leaving till after 1 this afternoon. haha. he didn't want me to leave. The whole night was pretty much perfect. he really is amazing and I so don't want to hurt him. plus he likes my body and he tells me i'm beautiful. sometimes it makes me question what i'm doing. not for very long though. i feel like if he likes the way i look now, he'll love the way i look soon. anyway, probably burned like over 1000 calories last night. major plus. 

now the part my status was about. i said something about how i could actually feel myself falling farther and farther. well it's true. and today definitely didn't make me feel any better about that. It's like eating disorders are some sort of hole into the center of the earth, and alot of us start out teetering on the edge because we just have issues that make us prone to eating disorders and then some of us fall in and some don't. then you catch yourself on a ledge at some point, and you're in the hole but still close enough to the top to get out if you really wanted to. that's where you're counting calories, and restricting them to under certain limits and trying to work off what you do eat that's over, or even within your limit. you have some trouble turning down foods because you feel like you're depriving yourself. and you know you're not healthy, but you can't get help yet because you're just not skinny enough. you can't get help until you reach your goals. that's the level i feel like i had been at for awhile, but this week i've felt myself falling down to the next level. i'm not restricting my calorie intake, i just don't want food. the thought of it makes me sick, actually eating it makes me sicker. emptiness is the only thing that feels good. only eating half the ice cream earlier wasn't the problem, it was forcing myself to eat that first half so my roommates wouldn't freak out. I kept thinking of all the calories and fat it was going to put on me and every bite just felt like i was becoming more and more disgusting. even the veggies later at night were hard to swallow because i didn't want to eat anything, i felt like they were making me heavier, taking away my light emptiness. it's a totally different phenomenon from trying not to eat. right now i'm struggling to eat enough so as not to freak everyone out. and also not to die. been having grey-outs recently. i need to watch that. I'm just scared. i feel like at this point i'm actually deeply afraid of getting help because of how much i'll have to eat. how many bites of pain would they force upon me? i know this is the point where there's no getting out. I'm freaked. I want to go back to the level i used to be at. the one right above me where i was still losing weight, but normalcy was within reach if i tried hard enough to go back. Since my recovery a few years ago. i'd gone back to teetering on that first edge, trying desperately not to fall back in again. but it seems once you fall, you just keep falling. and it keeps getting scarier. 

I'm a size 2 in some jeans. that used to be my ideal size, but i'm still not satisfied. how far will i push myself?

my stomach is completely flat, and you can feel my abs. 

you can not only count my ribs, and feel each rib and the indentations between them, but the  bottom of my ribcage juts out from the rest of my body when i stand or lie down a certain way. 

my underwear doesn't sit flat against my skin because my hipbones jut out just a little bit farther.

my collarbones look like handles that you could pick me up by. 

don't get me wrong, i do actually like most of these things, but this is all at what i think of as my gross weight of 126.8. what happens at 110? I'm a little scared. and how do i hide all this from my parents when i see them over break. i'm within a few pounds from the weight/body that sent me to therapy last time, and i know this time i have even more muscle weight from swimming, which means i'm actually thinner than before. proven by my smallest jeans yet. 2's. i still can't believe it. but they can't know. they can't see it. i'll have to layer alot on top too so they don't feel my bones so much when they hug me. i can't go back to therapy. i can't. I just can't be saved. let me be. but that doesn't mean i'm not terrified of myself.

intake

so i ended my fast today. and i didn't binge or anything. i think i did really well. i even went out to dinner with my roommates and some other friends. so proud of how i did at the restaurant.

breakfast: nothing

snack: coffee, 2 splenda (5 cal)

lunch: half a fiber 1 bar (70 cal)

dinner: ordered a grilled chicken sandwich on wheat bread with only tomato and lettuce, no cheese or sauce and a side of a house salad with no dressing or croutons. half a grilled skinless chicken breast (60 cal), one half of a piece of wheat toast (25 cal) lettuce and tomatoes and cucumber and onion (15 cal)

dessert: coffee, 2 splenda (5 cal)

total: 180 cal

I think I did really really well. especially considering I just got off a fast. 

no more binges for me. i learned my lesson monday night. i'm never going through that hell again. 

the end of punishment

so i weighed myself this morning...129 pounds exactly :) i know it's not a great weight, but it's actually a pound less than i was before my monday night binge. so i feel like i can stop my punishment. i still don't feel like eating though so i'm going to keep my fast going for a bit, but it's not a punishment anymore and i can stop whenever i want. Only 4 pounds left to lose until i'm at the lowest weight i've been. 125. that's the weight i was when i went into therapy. so close. that's my next goal weight. and after that, i'm going lower :)

shopping on saturday. i honestly can't wait. i have a feeling those 4's are going to fit like a dream. and maybe i'll even buy a pair of 2's? for inspiration? we'll see.

had a fight with a good friend from home last night. the one that knows my ed is back. he's convinced i'm taking it too far and i need help (like it's ok if i'm only a little anorexic? what?) but i told him about how i gained four pounds monday night because my friends are making me eat. he seemed to feel a little better. i just won't tell him that i then lost 5 pounds to make up for it. haha. 

my ribs feel wonderful :)

my sternum is starting to be visible (i've always had prominent collarbones, but you've never been able to see where they connect)

i can feel my hip bones jutting out into the band of my jeans 

i love it. i love it all. i want more.

reality

actually weighed myself. not ten pounds, but 3 and a half. um what??? just proves doctors are wrong about this whole 3,500 calories to equal a pound bullshit. if that was true i would have gained less than a pound. holy crap. almost four pounds heavier. this is unreal. 

so my very real punishment is as follows:

absolute zero calorie intake until the following is completed:

1000 crunches

5 minutes of wall-sits

50 push ups

100 squats

12 miles elliptical/treadmill

i think i'm going to skip swim practice tonight to sweat it out in the gym. this way i'll work out for longer and i can keep track of it better. 

almost certain this will take at least 2 days though. which is good. i don't want to eat before that. i still might not eat after but this is just set as i absolutely can't break fast before this. 8 hours into the fast so far and i'm starting to feel a little better. not much though. i can't believe i let this happen.

How come my friend telling me i needed to gain weight made me think it would actually be ok???

why didn't it motivate me to lose even more??? 

failure

stayed up all night with friends for no reason but to have fun. (also wrote a paper but i'm kind of kick-ass at academics, i'll explain later)

this turned out to be a mega problem. they all decided i lost too much weight and i'm too skinny (um what? i don't see it?) but for some reason i believed them and gave in for just one night. here's the cringeworthy damage...

made mac and cheese, ate mac and cheese :(  325 cals

watched football. ate chocolate :( :(  300 cals

went for a drive. ended up at a diner. ate WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH fat greasy buttery food. :( :( :( :( um 1000 cals? i have no idea.

got home. felt SO sick. tried to purge. failed (why???)

I don't deserve to eat ever again. and i don't want to. fast until i pass out or someone forcibly shoves something in my mouth. i feel like i gained at least ten pounds.

expectations

i was an even 130 this morning, so close to the 120's, but not there like i was expecting. oh well, i'm not giving up on it yet. sometimes i think my scale is just wacked out. i mean, honestly they're not meant for OCD weigh-ins because they say that they can be inaccurate by up to a few pounds. like whole entire pounds, that's a big deal. but that doesn't mean i'm going to stop weighing myself, i have to stay accountable somehow. it just better go down by the end of this week or i will have absolutely no faith in mathematics and logic. 

it's monday, which means it's the day my best friend makes me go to the bakery with her for lunch or dinner (dinner tonight). I'm going to get a salad with no dressing and an apple, she's going to comment. i'm going to make up some lie. same routine every week, i wonder if she notices like i do. oh well. there's a "milk and cookies" sorority recruitment meeting tonight too, awesome...although i don't think turning those down will be too weird..i mean..it's for sororities, i'm sure like 10 percent or more of the girls that will be there are ana or mia. sad but true. 

feeling nauseous and weird. idk why. i had 7 baby carrots and 2 grapes so far today. maybe my stomach is weird because i took meds on an empty stomach? idk i've done that before though obviously...weird how sometimes it bothers me and sometimes it doesn't. ugh, it feels like i'm going to throw up though, and i haven't eaten anything worth throwing up. 

so much work to do...have to catch up from missing all of last week...french test in an hour on a chapter that i wasn't there to learn. awesome. i can't focus at all. like at all. it's really bad. I know it's a side effect but i'd never really had a problem with it before. uh oh :(

idk i'm feeling weak. like mentally and physically. I kind of want to cave, like my body needs protein and carbs! but i won't...not until i at least get to see what the scale says tomorrow. if there's still no improvement then, then maybe i'll go back to straight up calorie restriction. it's just the 120's are like the perfect normal weight for me. i mean, they're not my ideal weight, but it's on the lower half of a healthy bmi (right now i'm like right in the middle of healthy) and then once i'm 110 i'll officially be underweight, which is perfect :) but i feel like it's going to take forever to get there considering how slow my weight loss is going these days. i just don't understand it. maybe i need to exercise more. god knows i can't eat much less. the roommates and i are going shopping this weekend i think. it's about time, my jeans are kind of falling off of me (the 5's), so i'm praying that i'll be a 4 like i ought to be. i think that might be one of the only things keeping me from bingeing this week. i think i'm a 4 right now, i just need the jeans to prove it, and if i fuck it up before this weekend there is no chance of me ever forgiving myself. and you know, once i'm a 4, that means i'm almost a 2, which is pretty close to perfect :) i don't think i want to be too too small? just tiny...just the perfect tininess. i like the word tiny more than little. some people call me tiny already, i have no idea how they see that, but i want to prove them right, i want to really be tiny. 

I'll keep you updated :)

feeling good

totals for the day

10 baby carrots: 25 cal?

16 grapes: 48 cal

that's it. 73 calories for the day :) it feels wonderful. 

only thing that would make this better is if i could focus on my homework...haha oh well. 

I've been reading a bunch of blogs, on here and others. i feel inspired all over again. hoping to be in the 120's tomorrow morning. wish me luck. 

dying for results

yesterday sucked. I mean, I'm starting to feel better, so that's awesome, it really is. but yesterday sucked. The boy promised to text me or call me and he still hasn't, which doesn't even like make me sad, just a little frustrated i think. Idk, sad is too..emotion-y. frustrated just reflects my need for things to work out the way they're supposed to. and it's not. we're not working out how i planned or how he promised, and my weight loss definitely is working out like i planned. ugh. frustrated all around. you know what, all you guys out there, if you're not going to call, don't say you will. it's really that simple. If i'm not expecting you to call, then i won't get pissed off when you don't. seriously, alot of conflict can be avoided this way. idk if guys are like incapable of understanding simple things like that, or if they just don't give a shit. I'm also not sure which would be worse. whatever.

so anyway, I'm doing what i always do when i get upset: focus on ana. super-healthy habit, i know. but i can't help it. So for today, nothing but fruits and veg. which is basically my plan for this week, but i guess i'm starting early. plus i did about 400 crunches last night (actually i think it was 3 this morning) and a minute of wall-sits. and i'll try to do about the same today. I'm still not completely healed so no running, but hopefully i'll be back to that tomorrow. maybe i can finally push through this stupid plateau of 130. I have to. I need to be 127 by next tuesday, that's when i leave for thanksgiving break. I definitely think it's possible if i stick to this plan. i mean, how could i not lose weight on an only fruit and vegetable diet with tons of exercise??? that's like...the healthiest thing ever. or at least, about the healthiest thing you can do as an anorexic haha i know i should be eating more calories than that from a medical perspective but really, think of all the vitamins and nutrients and whatnot i'm taking in. and there's no fat in fresh fruit and veg i think so i absolutely can't gain weight. but to be honest, if i can't lose on this then i'm going to start doing all out fasts again. actually, might do one in the middle of this week anyway, we'll see. 

breakfast: nothing

lunch: 6 baby carrots (15 cal?)

snack: 4 baby carrots (10 cal?)

mechanical

so I'm back to 130 again. this is good I guess. idk it's better than staying at 132 or 133 or whatever my weight jumped up to this past week (i can't remember exactly but i remember being frustrated). I'm still sick but hopefully I'm getting better, it's been about a week now and it's getting seriously ridiculous. My aim is to be fully (or at least mostly) recovered by Monday, which is when i'll start my new plan. I want to lose at least 3 pounds before thanksgiving break. so i will do my best to eat nothing but fruits and vegetables (low cal veggie soups are ok, but fresh foods are preferred) for this monday through friday. Then I will go to swim practice tuesday, wednesday, and thursday. Monday and friday I will run or get on the elliptical for at least 7 miles each day. Also, I will go back to my routine of at least 100 V-sits and a minute of wall sits a day, preferably more. Some exceptions might have to be made depending on what comes up during the week, but that's at least the plan. I'm pretty excited about it actually. I can't wait to make some progress after being so sick and lazy all week. It's nice to have a routine in my mind again. It'll definitely be nice to have control again 

so the boy ended up coming over last night. I know i said i didn't want him to come, and part of me didn't. but he pretty much insisted, and I caved. The sucky part though is that I was on so many meds that I couldn't really understand alot of what happened. Like he said some things that i think were pretty important, but i could only make out like half the sentences and then I couldn't even process them because i was so tired and medicated or something. It really frustrates me. And what's even worse is that, I'm starting to feel like i'm acting around him. I do care about him, I know i do. but for some reason lately I feel like i'm playing a part for him, trying to be who he wants me to be, doing what i feel i ought to. And none of that is his fault, it's just i think i'm getting more and more guarded, and truthfully, more and more unfeeling. like robotic. mechanical. I guess i really do use my eating disorder to cope with emotions. or more accurately to run away from them. and the farther i get into it, the less i feel. which is perfect, but then it makes me feel guilty when it comes to him, because i don't think he deserves that. but then that guilt just pushes me farther into my eating issues because it's an emotion i don't want to deal with. ugh. vicious cycle and whatnot. so anyway, with all that guilt from last night, i'm definitely restricting today (not that i honestly ever stopped, but i did try). 

so far 1 cup of simply orange juice (110 cal). maybe i'll have a cup of tomato soup later, maybe not. we'll see. if i do it'll be 120 calories so i would have a 230 calorie total. that's acceptable i guess. I wish i hadn't had the orange juice, but my roommate seems to wholly believe that it will heal me...

emotional

I'm so fed up with myself and overemotional and idk if it's because i've been stuck in bed all week and i feel totally worthless or if i've just had too much time to think or what. 

I just don't get why i have to be so screwed up. 

I mean I know how I got so screwed up, vaguely anyway. it's not like i can go "oh there. that's where i got my eating disorder.", but i mean i'm fully aware of some things that definitely contributed to it. I just don't understand why i can't get over it. I went to therapy, i was good, i "recovered", and then i messed myself up all over again and i don't know why.

I've had some hard times in the past, but my life is pretty good now. I mean, my parents love me in their own screwed up ways, but they do love me. I have friends that would do anything for me. The current boy in my life is a bit confusing i'l admit, but he's sweet and he does care about me, even just a few hours ago he offered to come over and take care of me since i'm sick (i didn't let him, i hate people seeing me vulnerable, but still..sweet). I'm attending my top choice university AND I'm here on academic scholarship, and I've kept up all A's so far. and for the swim meet this weekend the coach seeded me as the second fastest girl on the team for my events, right behind the captain, which is pretty much mindblowing to me because i'm a freshman. I had to drop out of the meet because i'm so sick, but still, it makes me more determined than ever to prove to him he didn't make a mistake. idk all i'm trying to say is my life is really good right now, i know alot of people would kill to have a life like mine, and yet i'm still so messed up.

It's like...my life might be close to perfect, but I'M not. my BODY isn't. and obviously my mind is screwed up too, but apparently that's not what i'm as desperate to fix. 

tried to eat again today (i told you, i'm trying to get better). ended up staying under 300 cals. at least it's something...i took a double dose of my prescription painkillers (i know, i know, i just was desperate) in an attempt to be able to swallow pain free so i could eat, but it didn't even end up working. I had my smoothie (80 cal) to try to numb my throat too, then i choked down a few cheez-its (idk 100?) and a small piece of chicken (50?). ugh. it hurt so bad. it still hurts so bad. 

sick of being sick

just ready for this to be over. 

ugh. I've already consumed 150 cals today.

110 from a cup of orange juice and then 40 from half of last night's smoothie. I'm practically drinking my (very disgusting) weight in orange juice lately. everyone seems to think it will cure me so they keep bringing me more and then waiting for me to drink it...ew. 

I'm back up to 131.5 already :( but i am sick, and I'm on my period. do you think i could be 130 by the time i'm off my period and feeling better? I really want to be well enough to get back to working out...I need this weight to come off. Only about two weeks left till thanksgiving holidays. I'd like to be 125 by then so i can have a little room to gain without going back up to the 130's. 

How is everyone else doing? better than me i hope! Come on, keep me inspired!

Stay strong and healthy