so I didn't eat today. well, except for those 3 pieces of dry cereal earlier today (5 cals, max?). I didn't set today up to be a fast day or anything, it's not like I haven't allowed myself to eat. I'm just really enjoying not eating, I don't want to eat, the idea of it just frustrates me and makes me so anxious. And since no one made me go out to get food with them today, I haven't had to eat any for social reasons, which are pretty much the only reasons I ever eat. The weird thing is, I was really really hating on myself for having an ED and everything it does to me the other day, but I wasn't pissed that I couldn't eat normally, I was just pissed at how I couldn't BE normal. Like I was watching everyone go grab lunch with their friends after class, and I just thought, how nice it must be to be able to just think "hey it's lunchtime, let's go get chick-fil-a" and be ok with it, even enjoy both the food and being with your friends. whereas I don't get to enjoy either. I hate eating. I don't want to do it, so I resent every piece of food i put in my mouth, it doesn't matter where i go to eat or what I order. And I hate being there with my friends because i spend the whole time silently counting calories and doing instant math to figure out how many calories are in each bite, and judging everyone's reactions to figure out how little I can get away with eating. Why can't eating just be eating to me? why does it have to be such a huge deal? I just think I'd be so much happier if i was normal. but i haven't been normal since I was like 12. Even when i was "recovered", I never stopped thinking all of it, I just managed to stop acting on it for a little while. I still don't know how I managed that for so long. props to me. but maybe not, considering I'm back to it I guess. Idk, psychiatry/therapy is a joke, they fixed my actions but not the thoughts causing them.
anyway...
breakfast: cereal, 5 cal?
peach green tea, 80 cal
lunch: nothing
dinner: nothing
calories burned: 500-600 swim practice
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