emotional

I'm so fed up with myself and overemotional and idk if it's because i've been stuck in bed all week and i feel totally worthless or if i've just had too much time to think or what. 

I just don't get why i have to be so screwed up. 

I mean I know how I got so screwed up, vaguely anyway. it's not like i can go "oh there. that's where i got my eating disorder.", but i mean i'm fully aware of some things that definitely contributed to it. I just don't understand why i can't get over it. I went to therapy, i was good, i "recovered", and then i messed myself up all over again and i don't know why.

I've had some hard times in the past, but my life is pretty good now. I mean, my parents love me in their own screwed up ways, but they do love me. I have friends that would do anything for me. The current boy in my life is a bit confusing i'l admit, but he's sweet and he does care about me, even just a few hours ago he offered to come over and take care of me since i'm sick (i didn't let him, i hate people seeing me vulnerable, but still..sweet). I'm attending my top choice university AND I'm here on academic scholarship, and I've kept up all A's so far. and for the swim meet this weekend the coach seeded me as the second fastest girl on the team for my events, right behind the captain, which is pretty much mindblowing to me because i'm a freshman. I had to drop out of the meet because i'm so sick, but still, it makes me more determined than ever to prove to him he didn't make a mistake. idk all i'm trying to say is my life is really good right now, i know alot of people would kill to have a life like mine, and yet i'm still so messed up.

It's like...my life might be close to perfect, but I'M not. my BODY isn't. and obviously my mind is screwed up too, but apparently that's not what i'm as desperate to fix. 

tried to eat again today (i told you, i'm trying to get better). ended up staying under 300 cals. at least it's something...i took a double dose of my prescription painkillers (i know, i know, i just was desperate) in an attempt to be able to swallow pain free so i could eat, but it didn't even end up working. I had my smoothie (80 cal) to try to numb my throat too, then i choked down a few cheez-its (idk 100?) and a small piece of chicken (50?). ugh. it hurt so bad. it still hurts so bad.