mechanical

so I'm back to 130 again. this is good I guess. idk it's better than staying at 132 or 133 or whatever my weight jumped up to this past week (i can't remember exactly but i remember being frustrated). I'm still sick but hopefully I'm getting better, it's been about a week now and it's getting seriously ridiculous. My aim is to be fully (or at least mostly) recovered by Monday, which is when i'll start my new plan. I want to lose at least 3 pounds before thanksgiving break. so i will do my best to eat nothing but fruits and vegetables (low cal veggie soups are ok, but fresh foods are preferred) for this monday through friday. Then I will go to swim practice tuesday, wednesday, and thursday. Monday and friday I will run or get on the elliptical for at least 7 miles each day. Also, I will go back to my routine of at least 100 V-sits and a minute of wall sits a day, preferably more. Some exceptions might have to be made depending on what comes up during the week, but that's at least the plan. I'm pretty excited about it actually. I can't wait to make some progress after being so sick and lazy all week. It's nice to have a routine in my mind again. It'll definitely be nice to have control again 

so the boy ended up coming over last night. I know i said i didn't want him to come, and part of me didn't. but he pretty much insisted, and I caved. The sucky part though is that I was on so many meds that I couldn't really understand alot of what happened. Like he said some things that i think were pretty important, but i could only make out like half the sentences and then I couldn't even process them because i was so tired and medicated or something. It really frustrates me. And what's even worse is that, I'm starting to feel like i'm acting around him. I do care about him, I know i do. but for some reason lately I feel like i'm playing a part for him, trying to be who he wants me to be, doing what i feel i ought to. And none of that is his fault, it's just i think i'm getting more and more guarded, and truthfully, more and more unfeeling. like robotic. mechanical. I guess i really do use my eating disorder to cope with emotions. or more accurately to run away from them. and the farther i get into it, the less i feel. which is perfect, but then it makes me feel guilty when it comes to him, because i don't think he deserves that. but then that guilt just pushes me farther into my eating issues because it's an emotion i don't want to deal with. ugh. vicious cycle and whatnot. so anyway, with all that guilt from last night, i'm definitely restricting today (not that i honestly ever stopped, but i did try). 

so far 1 cup of simply orange juice (110 cal). maybe i'll have a cup of tomato soup later, maybe not. we'll see. if i do it'll be 120 calories so i would have a 230 calorie total. that's acceptable i guess. I wish i hadn't had the orange juice, but my roommate seems to wholly believe that it will heal me...