scared

this is going to be a short post because I'm so sick and it takes alot out of me to do anything but sleep. ha. how pathetic. 

point is..I'm scared. 

I was crying earlier today because it hurt so bad just to breathe. I'd already stopped eating entirely on sunday night because it hurt too much, and then this morning I stopped drinking anything too because it hurt to swallow period. turns out not eating or drinking at all while you're sick is really bad for you (this is what the dr. said, i knew that it's just the pain was unbearable), so I got a fever and my body didn't have any energy to fight it with. My roommate practically had to carry me back to student health today and they re-examined me, gave me more meds (this time some extra strength painkillers to let me breathe and swallow without crying, as well as antibiotics in liquid form so i can actually take them easier), and then they kept me there for a few hours to monitor me because...get this...

my resting heart rate was/is *double* what it usually is. um yeah. My resting heart rate is normally 60-65 bpm and it was 130 bpm today. safe to say I'm kind of terrified. the doctor said all my meds should be helping it though because he thinks it's mostly caused by the fact that i have really shallow breathing since i'm in so much pain, and once the pain lessens, my HR should start dropping too. um let's hope so, that's freaking scary. and he was upset that i haven't been eating, but he understands that it hurts too much. he did make me eat about a cup of chicken noodle soup though...around 200 cal i think. but honestly, i'm not even upset about that, i needed it. I am so weak, honestly i think no more restricting until i'm better because i'm worried about my health right now. Obviously i'll probably still be within limits since it actually hurts to eat, but basically i'm not going to tell myself that I can't eat anything. Also, I have a smoothie in the freezer for later, my college has convenience stores on campus that make them and get this : they have three flavors that are under 100 cals. score  so for today I'll still be under 300 cal (I know, I know, i said no restricting, but that doesn't mean i can't be happy that it worked out that way anyway)

soup: 200 cal

smoothie: 80 cal

I'm also worried that I'm going to majorly binge as soon as i'm better...like not being physically able to eat has made me crave every single kind of solid food. ugh. normally if i get a craving i'll give in to it but just eat like one bite, then i'm still fine calorie wise, but since i can't give in to these, i'm afraid i'm going to go crazy and eat so much when i get better. ugh. i hope not. help me stay strong.

no classes for me tomorrow, doctor's orders. 

stay strong and healthy!