panicked

Ok I'm kind of panicked right now. I feel so full. so gross. all I did was go to lunch and dinner with friends, and I didn't even eat badly but just eating meals makes me feel so out of control and I'm panicking so hard right now but I'm trying to stop myself from throwing up so I just need to count out all the calories I consumed. just logging them will hopefully make me feel better.

breakfast: 6 pieces dry cereal, 25 cal
lunch: half a greek salad-no dressing, 40 cal
           one tablespoon peanut butter, 100 cal
           one small apple, 40 cal
dinner: half an italian salad-vinaigrette, 50 cal
            one fourth a cup mac and cheese, 100 cal
            three fourths a cup frozen yogurt, 150 cal

so 505 calories. i know that's not so awful. like my brain knows that, but my stomach and my emotions or whatever are still freaking out. gross, 300 calories in just one meal, that's more than i normally eat all day. what's wrong with me???

damn, i feel like crying, i just want to be normal. I want to not have to think about this all the time. I want to not have a panic attack like I just did when I eat what is actually still considered to be an "anorexic" amount, but to me it feels like way too much. I want to not still be testing my throat to see if it'd be too late to try to throw it up, or if anyone would notice/hear me. I want to believe the girls that told me today that I was "so skinny...barely even there", instead of my mind automatically jumping to images of my fat thighs and my jiggling belly. I want to see myself the way others see me, not the way ana makes me see myself.
I want to be normal.