weakness

I was going to wait to post until the end of the night, but it is 10 pm here and if I don't post I'm afraid I'll slip on my fast. So as of right now I've still had nothing to eat all day, I feel gloriously empty, it's not that, it's that I'm craving the taste of all this food that's in our kitchen right now. The roommates ordered pizza and cinna-stix and there are leftovers and they smell so good...and then there are blueberry muffins...and ice cream...and my leftover subway from thursday...and my leftover turkey wrap from yesterday...and cookies...ah god I have to stop thinking about it all or I'm going to go insane. I've already decided that I can eat whatever I want tomorrow if the scale doesn't show a difference from this fast. although, knowing me, if i go over about 400 cals I'll probably have to throw it up anyway because I can't handle being normal...
anyway, to deal with my cravings I went to starbucks and got a skinny cinnamon latte (100 cal) yum. delicious, warm, filling, and definitely a liquid so i think I'm allowed. Plus, I make up the rules and I say it's allowed. and after just 100 liquid calories I should definitely be at the very least an even 132 by tomorrow morning. If not, tomorrow = binge time. and possibly purge time...but I hope not. I really am trying not to make myself throw up, that's partially why I did this fast in the first place, to feel so empty that I wouldn't be tempted to purge.

well that's enough whingeing. I have good news. I have two pairs of size 5 skinny jeans. One has always been looser than the other, idk why. but now, even the really tight pair is a bit loose around the waist, and I looked up the size charts for those jeans (pac sun) and the sizes match the size 4 from american eagle, which is what I normally wear. which means....I'm now officially a size 4 :) which according to just about everyone but those of us (like me) who are seriously disordered, is considered skinny :) so while I don't feel skinny, I do know that other people might consider me skinny, and that feels pretty good. And alot of people consider size 2 and 0 to be TOO skinny, which means i am now *this close* to being too skinny :) :) :) I can practically taste it. haha. what irony in phrasing. gotta love how twisted I am. I know if I was normal I'd probably be able to look at myself and go, ok a size 4, that's great, in fact according to alot of standards, that's perfect, now just work on maintaining that. but of course i can't. at the very least I won't be happy until I'm a 2. and if I was being honest with myself, deep inside I know I'm never going to be happy with it. it comes from BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) or whatever. I look in the mirror and I don't see how I could possibly fit into a size 4 pair of jeans, I feel like it must be a trick because I look freaking huge. Like I see the jeans by themselves before I put them on and I go wow, those are tiny, but it's something magical apparently because when I put them on, suddenly they look huge, simply because I'm in them. but logic would say that I must be tiny if my body parts can fit into something that tiny. ugh. I wish I could just see myself the way I am, maybe then I could be happy with myself and be normal. I kind of wish I could even be a "normal anorexic". i put that in quotes because really, how f-ed up of a term is that? but I see all these blogs from other anorexics, and they're consuming 500-800 cals a day, or bingeing like every other day or whatnot. and I just think, how are they skinnier than me? I eat less than half what they do, plus I have yet to actually consume over 600 calories in a day for like a month, and the one day I even came close to 600, I had to throw up. It makes me wonder, like are there levels of anorexia? and is it dependent upon your body or your mind? Like I would say my mind is probably more f-ed up than theirs, but obviously my body isn't since I weigh so much more than them. weird. I'm reading Wasted by Marya Hornbacher right now. In a weird way it comforts me to know that she was more messed up than I am. but even still she binged pretty often. I'm definitely stricter about mine than she was. God, I'm messed up. This girl ended up hospitalized several times and here I am feeling superior in some sick way for being a better anorexic than she was. and she was way way skinnier than me. I guess that's something else that screws with my mind, like I'm almost proud of how diligent I am with my screwed up food habits, and now I feel like I need the body to prove it. to say, yeah I am anorexic, and i'm f-ing good at it too. Because I know I'm good at it, it scares me sometimes but I know I'm better at it than just about any anorexic i've known or read about. My body just isn't showing it like other girls' bodies do. I feel like maybe they started out skinnier, or they've just been ana for longer. I guess logically I know it's because I gained so much weight when i "recovered" and that it's just going to take time to drop more weight, but in the meantime I'm feeling so impatient.

It feels so unfair that my body doesn't reflect my mind.